tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81124846765409026762024-02-07T21:41:10.764-08:00Isherwood Wildwalker's Wanderoke MusingsA mid 40's young widower. Trying to find my new path in life and navigating the dating waters.Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.comBlogger169125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-62460346811623178802015-02-19T09:42:00.002-08:002015-02-19T09:42:32.490-08:00How I quit my jobI quit my job 9 months ago after 2 years of planning.The house has been remodeled, and I have two roommates covering the mortgage, taxes, insurance, and utilities.This idea of quitting for a bit and traveling was discussed many times with my wife before she died.
I used many online retirement calculators to work the numbers. Many of the calculators were cumbersome to use, and very precise with Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-66494551913544665072015-02-18T08:40:00.000-08:002015-02-18T08:56:02.925-08:00How Life can completely change in a few short years.Hello Dear World,
When we last spoke two and a half years ago, I was working a 9-5 job that was sucking my soul out, remodeling a house that was sucking my retirement fund dry, and in a relationship that was sucking out my life energy and moving it in a moral direction I did not want.
I changed many things in the last few years.
I quit my job. Yup, just up and quit, I have not worked full timeIsherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-10922438339430319182012-06-13T11:13:00.003-07:002012-06-13T11:13:53.821-07:00Just a quick update
Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything.
Life has been plodding along on cruise control.
The house is still being worked on, and I hope to move into it the first week of July.
WWW and I are doing much better as a couple. We are acting like a couple of teenagers with goo-goo eyeballs at each other. She’s lightened up on the boundary pushing, and I’ve lightened up on … well…Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-11626916208379822802012-05-23T09:45:00.002-07:002012-05-23T09:45:54.169-07:00Little by Little, the Lightness Becomes Truth
I went broke last night buying appliances for the house. Ended up with 6 major appliances, including a new gas stove that I hadn’t planned on buying so soon. There was a rebate thing directly from the manufacturer (Maytag) that made it worthwhile to buy it all together. I had to put the whole thing on a credit card…but on the bright side, it’s zero interest for 12 months.
The place is lookingIsherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-57690397201209754342012-05-17T08:14:00.003-07:002012-05-17T08:14:37.849-07:00Deeper and Deeper
Amazing how WWW and I can open up lines of communication and suddenly we start to understand and connect on a deeper level.
We had a talk about her “friend” and her earlier statements of desire for him. She says that is no longer the desire since our relationship has continued to get deeper. She still hangs out with him at least twice a week, and I still have some trust issues with it….Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-52599056217959805992012-05-15T09:49:00.001-07:002012-05-15T09:49:13.377-07:00Torn Asunder with the Runaround in my Mind
I’m frustrated and torn asunder from my feelings towards
WWW.
I have a trust issue I need to work out within myself…or is
it a possession issue?
I went out to karaoke with some friends last night, and WWW
was invited, and she asked if she could bring her “friend” along. It’s this
supposedly plutonic friendship she has that she admittedly wants more from.
When we first started Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-84241002120688786052012-05-07T13:55:00.000-07:002012-05-07T13:55:25.730-07:00Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll for the Middle-Aged Set.
So it seems that WWW is constantly rebelling against the “Girl
Next Door” image that people see in her. I, on the other hand, seem to want to
embrace the “Boy Next Door” image that I want to see in myself.
Reality hits us in the middle and my subdued and understated
outlook smacks against her fondness for trying to induce shock value. And then
we are usually pretty close on the reality of Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-4267266775930147752012-05-02T11:04:00.002-07:002012-05-02T11:04:57.972-07:00It's a Thing
Not much time to write lately.
The house is still plodding along, and it is still draining
my resources. A friend is already lined
up to rent my apartment when I finally move into the house. This friend just
asked if he could stay in the front room and pay rent until I move out. YES!
So now I have a roommate for the next month, in a tiny one
bedroom apartment. I barely used the Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-7068595030273826422012-04-30T12:31:00.000-07:002012-04-30T12:31:55.918-07:00Brain and Body Waves
So the Friday night hippie naked dance was way more tame and
innocent than I had hyped it up to be. Sure, there were a few people that were
topless, and even one or two people that were completely naked… but most of us (myself
included) had some type of covering over our more sensitive areas. The dance
itself was a lot of fun, and truth be told, WWW and I were probably raising just
as many Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-9363643811270661652012-04-27T14:22:00.000-07:002012-04-27T14:22:07.301-07:00Ain't No Boundary High Enough
This weekend may prove to be either wonderful or crazy.
Tonight WWW and I are going to the local clothing thrift
store to find costumes for next weekend’s
Beltane party and then we are going to a different sort of “dance” later
tonight. WWW says she hasn’t been to one of these dances before. From my understanding, it is a “clothing
optional” sensuality dance. Designed to let the Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-15510640626714495562012-04-25T10:54:00.002-07:002012-04-25T12:32:21.284-07:00Beginnings, Death, and all the trimmings
It feels good, now that I’ve embraced this fledgling
relationship with WWW.
I really am going to try to roll with the flow. She’s got
this *something* that is irresistible. Frankly,
even with all of her mischievousness, I’m rather surprised she is relatively single.
And maybe that’s it… she has placed herself in a mischievous light intimacy
world, and her potential for deep Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-15705820935985768262012-04-23T09:48:00.000-07:002012-04-23T09:48:37.268-07:00Lighten Up!
I had decided to lighten the f@#$ up on my interactions with WWW….with some
interesting results and observations.
Most of our misunderstood situations that make each of us
prickly towards each other seem to start at the end of some of our extremely
long dates. The longer our dates became,
the more comfortable we each started to feel. With that comfort, we divulged a
bit Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-38194187970181083562012-04-19T15:27:00.000-07:002012-04-19T15:27:25.671-07:00Sucking too hard on a lollipopI’m flip-flopping more than a politician on a late October Surprise afternoon.
WWW and I are back on again, only no physical hanky-panky (for the time being) and more trying to get to know each other. I have never pushed and pulled like this in my life. I’m not sure why this is happening.
WWW and I are sharing a cold. She went to the doctor for a chest x-ray today. I don’t seem to have it as bad Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-85661148930493091602012-04-17T08:19:00.000-07:002012-04-17T08:19:13.857-07:00Principles of LustThings are done with WWW.
Over some drinks at Happy Hour, I stood my ground and cut off all future physical contact. We will work on a platonic friendship. Neither one of us feels we are done with each other, so we will see what happens.
It was incredibly touching and sweet while it lasted. My boundaries were pushed, and I felt some of my edges….geeze, are they sharp, and I fear that WWW brushed Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-12141968805232297822012-04-16T14:02:00.002-07:002012-04-16T14:02:58.024-07:00A Glorious Train WreckMy grandfather’s funeral was Saturday afternoon. Lots of people I didn’t know, and the most un-personal funeral I’ve ever been to. Very Catholic. Very Proper.
The body wasn’t even in the ground two hours when the bickering started over how the estate is being handled.
I even got roped into some discussion with my mother, over her divorce agreement with my father regarding his inheritance. AaarghIsherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-27784554640665543142012-04-12T12:27:00.000-07:002012-04-12T12:27:30.679-07:00Like a moth to a flame.
Like a moth to a flame.
Beating my head against the brick wall because it feels good.
I saw WWW last night at Dance, and we had another great talk. Either she is a Master at Deception, or she is being completely honest with me. But how do I know if I am being honest with myself?
So we are going to continue to get to know each other, explore each other’s “baggage and stuff” and see where it goesIsherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-73429882235603501852012-04-11T09:26:00.000-07:002012-04-11T09:26:00.388-07:00Say Hello, Wave Goodbye to this Tainted LoveI went to dinner with WWW on Monday night. She is very captivating. I am drawn in with desire and it isn’t physical, it is more than that. I feel an honest tenderness towards her. We both feel this is a situation where we could both delve deeper into each other with connectedness. I really do like her.
I also feel this isn’t good for me. The boundary push is too great. There are also some Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-52633870209164182792012-04-09T13:58:00.000-07:002012-04-09T13:58:37.844-07:00Just remember that death is not the endSaturday we buried some ashes. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I got home by 6:00 PM and went straight to bed, and didn’t wake up until 7:00 AM Sunday morning.
It seemed so final, staring at this giant hunk of granite with my wife’s name on it. There is no comfort in a “hereafter”. There is no comfort from a “higher power”. There is only a very heavy and cold chunk Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-62086337415539901852012-04-06T10:54:00.000-07:002012-04-06T10:54:00.082-07:00Spiraling towards burying ashesMaybe I’m spiraling out of control over the need for touch. To belong. To feel complete.
I’ve been eating too much lately. Granted, it’s been pistachios and mandarin oranges that I’ve been gorging on…. But still….. it’s too much.
I’ve been frantic about getting to some type of dance class almost every day. I went to a contact improv basics class last night and loved it. Heading out to another Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-65404033333988181122012-04-05T08:31:00.000-07:002012-04-05T08:31:21.352-07:00Grandpa, Death, Life, NewThis month has been rather insane.
My 93 year old grandfather died last night. He was a WW2 vet, an actual “Lineman for the County” back in the late 50’s, an industrial installer for Ma Bell working specifically in site specific maintenance on aerospace applications in the 60’s and 70’s ….. today’s equivalent of a Network Administrator.
+++++++++++++++++++++++I still went to my normal Wednesday Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-30592325094199061932012-04-04T13:19:00.000-07:002012-04-04T13:19:00.270-07:00Today is my late wife’s birthday.Today is my late wife’s birthday. She would have been 44 years old today.
I don’t have much to say about it. The tears are flowing easily. The loss of a deep connection. One-sided now.
I miss her. I miss our connection.
This Saturday, my in-laws and I are spreading some of her ashes at the family cemetery. We have a flat stone plaque that will be near her biological father who also died at a Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-79012416780444626302012-04-02T10:42:00.001-07:002012-04-02T11:20:27.149-07:00What Time is it? It's Poly Time!My conservative religious upbringing ran headfirst into a brick wall of polyamory this weekend, and I found out too late to serve to miss it.
WWW and I went to a fun house party together on Saturday night. We ended up going back to her place for some innocent hanky-panky. Light-weight and non-committal fun is what I was seeking, right?
I stayed the night. Nothing too crazy happened. We Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-44152517645782395722012-03-28T12:20:00.001-07:002012-03-29T11:04:32.664-07:00Anger for Anger's sake? No Thank YouOn Monday night, I went to my second showing of the new Men’s Group I joined. It’s a new group, and it was only the third meeting, so they are still trying to gather steam and figure out the structure and direction of the group. There are some really strong personalities showing already.
One gentleman who appears to be a veteran of a multitude of self-help groups decided to be the facilitator on Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-30698408951177435042012-03-26T11:43:00.001-07:002012-03-26T12:13:19.693-07:00Male Compromise Theory on the dance floorOn Friday night, I went to see the movie “Pina” with Superbowl woman. The more time I spend with her, the more I realize it is just a physical attraction, and her personality and mine would not be compatible in a more intimate setting. She is an awesome friend though. And I intend to strengthen that friendship.
On Friday I ended up spending about 7 hours with Woo Woo Woman (WWW?). About 5 hours Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8112484676540902676.post-31149571036747544892012-03-23T11:32:00.002-07:002012-03-23T11:33:40.613-07:00Personality Testing with Various ResultsThe date with Woo Woo Woman (I dislike this nickname for her) was pleasant. She is lots of fun, but perhaps a little too subdued for me. We talked a little about the Briggs-Myers Personality Test
She is an INFJ
The last time I took the test I was an ISFP. I just took the test linked above and came out as INTP, go figure.
I don’t put too much faith in these tests, especially the Isherwood Wildwalkerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06194704394430876990noreply@blogger.com0