Today is my late wife’s birthday.

Today is my late wife’s birthday. She would have been 44 years old today.

I don’t have much to say about it. The tears are flowing easily. The loss of a deep connection. One-sided now.

I miss her. I miss our connection.

This Saturday, my in-laws and I are spreading some of her ashes at the family cemetery. We have a flat stone plaque that will be near her biological father who also died at a young age from the same disease.

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Tonight at my regular Wednesday night dance, I will be seeing WWW.

It’s rather strange how the last few days have changed my thoughts. I was adamant about not sharing a bed with her when I wrote Monday’s blog post.  Today, I feel ambivalent…

My wife and I had such a deep connection; I fear I will never meet another woman with her strength and charisma. So why bother looking? I can remain basically single with WWW and spend the night with her every so often. I could be selfish with my heart. Heck, I could even still date other women, with WWW’s encouragement!  I could close my soul, keep this darkness barely held back. I could keep my grief close to the unsteady surface, instead of using it as a rock solid building block of a new life.

I could use WWW as an escape from the real world, and what little tenderness and connection I show her would still be more than most people ever experience.

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Good lord, I sound like an egotistical blow-hard, wallowing in self-righteous pity. This is a disgusting post.