How I quit my job

I quit my job 9 months ago after 2 years of planning.

The house has been remodeled, and I have two roommates covering the mortgage, taxes, insurance, and utilities.

This idea of quitting for a bit and traveling was discussed many times with my wife before she died.

I used many online retirement calculators to work the numbers. Many of the calculators were cumbersome to use, and very precise with tracking every tiny detail. I ended up finding a very useful retirement planner that was powerful once I understood how to create specific "rules" for my situation.

I highly recommend checking out RocketDog Software's website When Can I Quit? The creator of the website had a mini Q&A on Reddit.com and made some very useful changes with user input, and he also described how to set up rules. It's worth reading through if you plan to use the calculator.,

I had passive income from renters, money saved in the bank to last for at least 3 years, and I also still had some retirement investment accounts and a small pension that will kick in at age 65.  I had plans to re-enter the workforce in the next 1-2 years. I could quit, enjoy some time off, get another job in a few years and be none the worse for wear as far as retirement planning goes.

So now I had all my paperwork together, I had multiple website calculators that I fiddled with over and over and each time they showed at least a 95% success rate at quitting my job and living off savings for a few years.

I was ready, and I was afraid.  So I set a goal of quitting on a certain date. I set a goal of handing in my resignation letter to my company. I actually gave my company a 2 month notice, fully ready for them to tell me to go home that day.  I wanted to give them time to hire a new person, and for me to train them. I wanted to leave on the best note as possible in case I needed to go back.

So I did it. I was completely unemployed. Scared shitless.  My roommates threw a 'retirement' party for me at the house. We probably had 75 people show up. There was a band and everything. It was very humbling to see all the love and support.

And then Monday rolled around and I didn't go to work.

It was glorious....magical.... better than any vacation day.

I spent the summer travelling, working at music festivals, camping and hiking...it was amazing. I spent more than my budget, but I didn't care. I was free.

The Who I'm Free

How Life can completely change in a few short years.

Hello Dear World,

When we last spoke two and a half years ago, I was working a 9-5 job that was sucking my soul out, remodeling a house that was sucking my retirement fund dry, and in a relationship that was sucking out my life energy and moving it in a moral direction I did not want.

I changed many things in the last few years.

I quit my job. Yup, just up and quit, I have not worked full time for over 9 months and it feels great. I have traveled, explored and nourished my soul, and have worked at finding Passion and Purpose.

The house has been completely remodeled and I now have two roommates that pay enough rent to cover the the cost of the entire mortgage and utilities. That's right, I have zero living expenses in this house as long as I keep two roommates.

My last post in June, 2012 indicated all was well with WWW and we had re-confirmed a commitment to each other . Well..... I'm happy to say we broke up very soon after that last post. Our core beliefs were not a good match and I was tired of pushing personal boundaries that didn't need pushing.

So Where Am I Now?

I am in a very good place.

Life is much simpler. I am cooking most of my meals instead of eating out almost every day. My meals are mostly vegetarian with meat only 3-4 meals a week, This is saving me a huge amount of money and I've also lost about 20 pounds! My body feels great, and darn if I don't look pretty good with a healthy appearance!

I've slowed my social life down and no longer spending huge amounts of money on concert tickets, bars tabs, or fleeting moments of instant gratification.

I work a day or two each week helping an 88 year old woman with yard work and house work.  This feels really good.  She bosses me around quite a bit, but it's great to have moments of good conversation with her, and heck, she is even teaching me about gardening. I make enough money to pay for gas and some groceries each week.

My roommates are awesome, and they are really helping me stretch my savings. I am very blessed to have this situation. Years of saving and hard work has paid off. I can comfortably live in a nice home that is being paid for 100% by my roommates. My savings will last for quite a few years if I continue to work small jobs here and there.

When I started this blog, it was to document my progress in fulfilling a dream of traveling in a van across the country.  Well.... I can now say I've done a bit of that. With great pleasure, I bought an empty cargo van and outfitted it with a bed and some living accouterments and spent one full month traveling the west coast. It was wonderful.

And you know what else has happened in the last 2 1/2 years? Better than everything else?

I fell in love.

Yes, I fell in love with an amazing woman 9 months ago.

Life is Good. Passion and Purpose are slowly entering back into my life. I am happy. I am content.

It has truly been a Fantastic Voyage

Just a quick update

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything.

Life has been plodding along on cruise control.

The house is still being worked on, and I hope to move into it the first week of July.

WWW and I are doing much better as a couple. We are acting like a couple of teenagers with goo-goo eyeballs at each other. She’s lightened up on the boundary pushing, and I’ve lightened up on … well…everything, really.

I have thoughts of making this blog a private, invite only type of blog, so if you haven’t created a blogspot account and “followed” me…. This blog may disappear from public view.

Anyway, my schedule doesn’t allow me to post as often as I would like, but that may change again in the next month or so, and I will be able to get back to the regular posting schedule

Little by Little, the Lightness Becomes Truth

I went broke last night buying appliances for the house. Ended up with 6 major appliances, including a new gas stove that I hadn’t planned on buying so soon. There was a rebate thing directly from the manufacturer (Maytag) that made it worthwhile to buy it all together. I had to put the whole thing on a credit card…but on the bright side, it’s zero interest for 12 months.

The place is looking great though, and I am very happy with it.

I should be ok on finances once I get some roommates in the house.

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WWW and I seem to have hit a stride of compatibility lately. We are really enjoying each other’s company and the difficulties in communication seem to have minimized. Either we are both choosing to not fully disclose thoughts, or we truly are communicating well.

This upcoming 3-day Memorial Day weekend will be a great test. We are heading out in my Mini-Van for some boondock camping out on BLM land in the middle of a forest….with her dog. She has a little 10 pound pooper that is cute as all heck. It will be a bit cramped sleeping in the back with a dog, so this weekend will be a great test of our communication.

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I spent last weekend with my wife’s sister. My Sister-in-Law was in town for the weekend. I haven’t seen her since my wife’s memorial service almost 4 years ago. It was a very emotional yet wonderful visit. We met at a local micro-brew pub and shared a beer for about a 4 hour lunch. I told her about her sister’s grave marker that we had made, and the next day she visited it by herself.

It was another wonderful small closure for me. I feel lighter, and a bit more free. I am beginning to believe that it is ok to move forward and move on. Not to forget, but to begin living life to the fullest again.

Deeper and Deeper

Amazing how WWW and I can open up lines of communication and suddenly we start to understand and connect on a deeper level.

We had a talk about her “friend” and her earlier statements of desire for him. She says that is no longer the desire since our relationship has continued to get deeper.  She still hangs out with him at least twice a week, and I still have some trust issues with it…. And I just assume she is choosing to just not disclose information to me anymore.

A few weeks ago we were talking about how I conduct myself when I am away from my partner in public. I try to conduct myself in a way that my partner would always be comfortable and respected like they were actually in the room. I don’t treat it as an invisible prison guard watching my every move, but rather a respect in the community towards my partner. WWW gave me the impression that she usually follows the “out of sight, out of mind” mentality when in public without her partner. More trust issues for me to explore, I suppose….although I think WWW has given that some serious contemplation as well.

With all of this give and take, I wonder how much we are molding each other… quietly trying to shape the other into our ideal partner. I feel she is definitely continuing to explore my boundaries, just much quieter and subtler now. I am doing the same thing with her though, right?  Maybe it’s actually a healthy way of being honest with ourselves and slowing trying to show each other the real person?

I need to ease up on wanting and expecting deep connection and ease of honest communication with WWW.  My wife and I had 10 years to explore ourselves, with the urgency of her genetic disease moving things deeper on a much faster track than normal. It is completely unfair of me to expect WWW to compete with that.

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I’m also still struggling with emotions of moving forward with life after the death of my wife. Survivors Guilt I suppose….. How can I live a good life now? Admitting that I am a better person now?

Dave Gahan from Depeche Mode- Deeper and Deeper

Torn Asunder with the Runaround in my Mind

I’m frustrated and torn asunder from my feelings towards WWW.

I have a trust issue I need to work out within myself…or is it a possession issue? 

I went out to karaoke with some friends last night, and WWW was invited, and she asked if she could bring her “friend” along. It’s this supposedly plutonic friendship she has that she admittedly wants more from. When we first started dating, she flat out told me she wants a physical relationship with this guy, but he doesn’t want one with her. It’s exactly that type of conversation that makes me distant from her. She seems to relish joy in blunt shock value words. The funny part? My friends that we met for karaoke do not know about WWW and I dating…. My friend said “it was nice to meet WWW and her boyfriend” HA!

I keep thinking WWW will tire of me soon and move on. If I had to guess, most of her physical relationships only last 2-6 months, with a couple of long-term 1-2 years stints thrown in. By the way she talks, that seems to be her standard routine with guys. I wonder though…. If I will be the first to bail on this ‘relationship’.  I mean… come on, I said NO to this thing every week for the first 4 weeks or so…..

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The roommate situation is working out well. Mellow guy who isn’t home much, and when he is, he plays some sweet music on his multitude of instruments.

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The house is still slow. I don’t think I will be in by the end of the month.

Dion and the Belmonts- Runaround Sue

Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll for the Middle-Aged Set.

So it seems that WWW is constantly rebelling against the “Girl Next Door” image that people see in her. I, on the other hand, seem to want to embrace the “Boy Next Door” image that I want to see in myself.

Reality hits us in the middle and my subdued and understated outlook smacks against her fondness for trying to induce shock value. And then we are usually pretty close on the reality of the attitudes anyway.

This weekend was a great example.

We went to a Beltane party with her mischievous crowd, and WWW played it up like it was going to be some drunk and naked free-for-all. The reality was more frat-house than Bacchus. Sure there were some scanty see-through outfits… and people were wandering into some of the bedrooms and doors were being closed… but nothing too crazy.  The party was a bunch of middle-aged people acting like a bunch of horny 20somethings.  No big deal, really.  Although I was rather shocked at the amount of alcohol was consumed and the subtle undertone of drugs being used.

I tried to keep some distance between WWW and myself throughout the night. I didn’t want to be seen joined at the hip with her. I talked to a few people, but mostly the conversations were drunken nothings. I did sense a lot of neediness and low self-esteem though. It was rather strange, especially since I battle with my own issues on those matters.

Perhaps some of these folks are using shock-value sexuality to gain acceptance from others? I don’t know, but the whole event seemed like something I’ve already experienced 20 years ago. Not my cup of tea, but nothing I was uncomfortable with. I just keep my alcohol intake to a few glasses of wine, politely decline the drug offers, keep my clothes on and don’t go behind the green door and I’m ok.

Beyond the crazy party though, WWW and I seem to have hit a stride of good communication and recognizing boundaries. It turned out to be a beautiful and tender weekend. We spent over 50 hours straight together, as she even stayed over Sunday night.

I am enjoying her company. The more we share, more of the “Girl Next Door” comes out in her, and perhaps a bit of my shock-value side comes out as well.  Her softer side is very desirable. I fear I am rather smitten with her.

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On the house front, I am so broke and dirt poor, that I have rented out the front room of my apartment to the guy that is going to take over the whole place once I move into the house. This guy has just moved into town, and is friends with the landlord. Easy going fellow, I took a liking to him instantly.

It's a Thing

Not much time to write lately.

The house is still plodding along, and it is still draining my resources.  A friend is already lined up to rent my apartment when I finally move into the house. This friend just asked if he could stay in the front room and pay rent until I move out. YES!

So now I have a roommate for the next month, in a tiny one bedroom apartment. I barely used the front room anyway. Luckily he has been travelling and doesn’t have any large furniture, so I can keep my stuff in the room.

Quite the change in living situation, and it will be good practice for the house.

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Had some acupuncture yesterday. I try to get two sessions in a month. I had asked to be poked for some normal physical ills…. mouse wrist, sinus clearing, stiff neck, etc…. and then I asked for some non-physical stuff to be poked at… like acceptance of other people.

As I laid there with needles poking at me all over, I was overcome with the difficulty I have in accepting myself. Accepting self-worth. Accepting friendship. Accepting a New Life.  Being able to Receive joy and pleasure without guilt.

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I big step today with WWW.  A few weeks ago I asked her if she would be willing to take a full STD test. She said yes. Today we both go to Planned Parenthood and get the full meal deal.

Our relationship has turned into a “Thing” although we both are not quite sure what that thing is.  We seem to be able to spend quite a bit of time together, and really enjoy it. We have scheduled many events with our respective crowds, and it seems to be an easy flow.

Sonny & Cher variety show clip- Isley Brothers- it's your thing do what you want to do

Brain and Body Waves

So the Friday night hippie naked dance was way more tame and innocent than I had hyped it up to be. Sure, there were a few people that were topless, and even one or two people that were completely naked… but most of us (myself included) had some type of covering over our more sensitive areas. The dance itself was a lot of fun, and truth be told, WWW and I were probably raising just as many eyebrows with our interactions as anyone else.   The dance was mostly people around 55+ years of age, mostly women, and most of the men there were with partners.  The dancers seemed to flow easily around with each other, and since there was no overt touching or staring going on, it was quite innocent.  The scene at any 20something nightclub is much raunchier and sexually suggestive than anything that went on at this dance.

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I had volunteered to dog sit WWW’s puppy for the weekend while she was away at a Craniosacral therapy workshop .

It was quite fun until I tried to leave the dog alone while I went out with some friends on Saturday night. I got a call at midnight from my landlord asking me to come home and quiet the dog. Rut-Roh.

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WWW came home Sunday night and we had a great late afternoon and late night dinner. She’s quickly endearing herself to me….I’m going to try to relax and flow into it.

Ain't No Boundary High Enough

This weekend may prove to be either wonderful or crazy.

Tonight WWW and I are going to the local clothing thrift store to find  costumes for next weekend’s Beltane party and then we are going to a different sort of “dance” later tonight. WWW says she hasn’t been to one of these dances before.  From my understanding, it is a “clothing optional” sensuality dance. Designed to let the dancer “Awaken passions by allowing sensations and emotions to move through our bodies”. Yeah. Not sure what I am getting myself into, but since I am trying to be lighter with my interaction with WWW, I’m game.  This isn’t something that I would normally do, so bring on the boundary expansion! Just don’t stare, right?

WWW is going away for the weekend Saturday morning, off to some type of woo woo workshop. I volunteered to watch her dog while she is gone. Another boundary push. Saturday  I will take the dog to my grandfather’s house. Apparently my father is already throwing things away, before letting the family go through stuff. I need to stay out of the middle of that mess. Saturday night I am going to hang out with my old crowd, listening to some live music. It will be good to hang out with them, especially since the death of one of our crowd last weekend.

Sunday will find me at Dance, and then WWW will probably wander back to town to pick up her dog and we will perhaps have an early dinner together.

I'm really starting to like the "strangeness" of the events WWW is exposing me to.

Beginnings, Death, and all the trimmings

It feels good, now that I’ve embraced this fledgling relationship with WWW.

I really am going to try to roll with the flow. She’s got this *something* that is irresistible.  Frankly, even with all of her mischievousness, I’m rather surprised she is relatively single. And maybe that’s it… she has placed herself in a mischievous light intimacy world, and her potential for deep connectedness might be un-desirable in that world. And maybe that was my hesitation as well. I could see the potential for greatness and the hardened cold part of my heart was pushing me away with any little excuse it could find.

Hey, I’m still being realistic with all of it. I haven’t fallen head over heels with un-wavering devotion or anything silly like that. We are still learning about each other, and right now we are just learning all of the good parts.

But oh, how she enjoys pushing boundaries for herself and others. And maybe that’s also part of the early hesitation on my part. I’m happy pushing a boundary of my own choosing, but when asked to gently look at a boundary I may not have been aware of, I suddenly dig my heels into the ground and turn into Gilligan from the old TV show …crossing my arms and shouting “You can’t make me, You can’t make me!”

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A friend died last Saturday. I don’t know all the details, but I know he was a closet heavy drinker, with more than a few previous unsuccessful suicide attempts over the years. He’d been missing for a few weeks, and another friend found him dead in his house. 

This person was someone I met after my wife died.  He was part of this large community of people that I found myself in.  He was one of the first people to try to get to know me as just me, and not me and my wife.  We would very often find ourselves talking rather closely about personal and heartfelt topics.  I will miss his easy laughter, and will also miss his sharing of the Hot Sauce. He was a great cook, often creating huge feasts for us. We also shared some festivals that had poor to mediocre food that was served…. He always had a bottle of hot sauce in his back pocket for those festivals. He also was a great partner to share in my boundary expanding experience of The Rainbow Family Gathering last year.

I will also miss late night hot tubs soaks with him, talking about each other’s darkness. … I will miss his desire to push his tired and abused body in yoga classes….I will miss him.

I’ve had so much death in my life the last 4 years….. I’ve been to at least 8 funerals in that time. And maybe that’s normal as we get older….but I really need an emotional break from death.

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I’m still sick, and finally went to the doctor yesterday. Antibiotics for me, woo hoo!

I’m hoping to start feeling better quickly. I need to take care of some things at the house. Some of the upstairs inside trim/molding had been poorly replaced sometime in the past, and I decided to have it re-done to match the rest of the house. Yes, an extra extravagance that wasn't really needed to be done, but if I am doing all this work, it would be best to replace everything.  I couldn’t  justify installing a few  thousand dollars of kitchen cabinets and not replacing ugly and damaged window trim right next to the fancy new cabinets….. and that is exactly how this whole project keeps spiraling out of control!!!!!

Lighten Up!

I had decided to lighten the f@#$  up on my interactions with WWW….with some interesting results and observations. 

Most of our misunderstood situations that make each of us prickly towards each other seem to start at the end of some of our extremely long dates.  The longer our dates became, the more comfortable we each started to feel. With that comfort, we divulged a bit deeper and more intimate revelations about ourselves…. And that is the precise moment we start to misinterpret each other’s words. We are now trying to take a deep breath, and ask more specific questions before freaking out.  It seems to have worked, and we are realizing we are WAY more similar than first glance. And most of the things I’ve freaked out about were complete misunderstandings and we actually agree on the issue.

Those amazing characteristics in WWW that I was originally drawn to are shining a bit brighter. 

All I’m saying is this has some potential and I should experience this.

We have even talked about making appointments at Planned Parenthood for the full STD testing…. yeah crazy, right?

I’m really glad I’ve lightened up and started listening and communicating better with her. I’m sure we will still have some misunderstandings, but we have established some firm ground on how to talk about it.

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The house is looking great, and getting closer to the finish line. There are kitchen cabinets going in upstairs and downstairs. The paint (No VOC) is on the walls.  There is still concrete to pour outside, but the framing is done.  I’m still broke, and the bank had to call last Friday to let me know there were insufficient funds to cover some of substantial checks there were being cashed. I transferred more out of my retirement saving to cover, but even that account is almost empty.  You only live once, right?

Basement Kitchen cabinets going in.

Sucking too hard on a lollipop

I’m flip-flopping more than a politician on a late October Surprise afternoon.

WWW and I are back on again, only no physical hanky-panky (for the time being) and more trying to get to know each other. I have never pushed and pulled like this in my life. I’m not sure why this is happening.

WWW and I are sharing a cold. She went to the doctor for a chest x-ray today. I don’t seem to have it as bad as her.

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I’ve been hesitant to disclose too much on this blog about WWW and how we are interacting. The last few weeks I have this nagging fear that “Real Life” is going to stumble across these ramblings and expose these secrets. But that’s just it… these writings aren’t really secrets.  I just have this strong wall of boundaries around me and I wouldn’t disclose these writings to my inner circle of people. Granted, there isn’t anything Earth shattering on these pages…..

But there is much more to the story than I’m writing down here.

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As a reader of this blog commented, I just need to relax and flow into it. I'm not asking for her hand in marriage, so I just need to roll with it.

I see my shrink tonight. I will have no problem filling the hour up with my crazy.  And I do mean “My Crazy”.

Mika 

Sucking too hard on your lollipop, love is gonna get you down

Principles of Lust

Things are done with WWW.

Over some drinks at Happy Hour, I stood my ground and cut off all future physical contact. We will work on a platonic friendship. Neither one of us feels we are done with each other, so we will see what happens.

It was incredibly touching and sweet while it lasted. My boundaries were pushed, and I felt some of my edges….geeze, are they sharp, and I fear that WWW brushed against those sharp edges fairly hard also.

  I admit I am a bit conservative, with a touch of a carefully hidden Freak Flag…. while WWW seems to have her Freaky Deaky Flag waving high and proud, with a carefully hidden conservative streak. She is a wonderful and beautiful woman with a huge heart.

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I don’t like this pattern I see myself falling into.  Life has become so serious since the death of my wife. Everything must have “meaning”…  It’s no wonder that I escape to the dance floor with a big, goofy grin on my face…it’s just a little amount of time when life is light and airy. There are no worries or cares on the dance floor. WWW has told me I have a “Penchant for the Dramatic”… and she is unfortunately correct. I need to figure out how to cut myself some slack, and recognize that my life is good, and that I have goodness to share.

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So where to now?  The house is having lots of painting done on the inside, and we are still waiting for better weather to pour the remaining concrete.  I won’t be spending much time around the house this week with the paint fumes. 

Enigma

Principles of Lust: Sadeness/Find Love/Sadeness 

MCMXC A.D.

A Glorious Train Wreck

My grandfather’s funeral was Saturday afternoon. Lots of people I didn’t know, and the most un-personal funeral I’ve ever been to. Very Catholic. Very Proper.

The body wasn’t even in the ground two hours when the bickering started over how the estate is being handled.

I even got roped into some discussion with my mother, over her divorce agreement with my father regarding his inheritance. Aaargh. I don’t need to be involved with it, or pick sides.  I agreed to help them find a Mediator that could help facilitate another agreement between them.

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WWW and I continue to smash into each other…. A glorious train wreck if there ever was one.

It’s the same old story… and it seems every time we are together she offers up a little bit more information that is hard to swallow all at once. I have to pull my head out of my arse and stop seeing her. It’s no good for me or her. My slightly conservative upbringing will constantly be irritating to her, and her mischievousness in all things will constantly irritate me.

She claims the desire for monogamy, but I swear she flat out asked me who else I would like to date in the community…. What? That’s B.S. in my book.

Perhaps it would be different if this whole poly thing was in the past, and not something that she would “like to explore with me”. 

We haven’t even really explored each other’s “stuff” yet!  And we haven’t talked about her woo-woo side yet either!

And I’m seeing her tonight for some Happy Hour drinks. I’m a putz and a sucker. I need to stand up and cut this off….I’m being a complete idiot.

Like a moth to a flame.

Like a moth to a flame.

Beating my head against the brick wall because it feels good.

I saw WWW last night at Dance, and we had another great talk. Either she is a Master at Deception, or she is being completely honest with me. But how do I know if I am being honest with myself?

So we are going to continue to get to know each other, explore each other’s “baggage and stuff” and see where it goes. And she has said she is breaking off any physical relations she has with any others.

On one hand, she seems to be a woman with much heart to give, but has found herself with people that don’t want to receive it…so she seems to have tried to spread her heart around to get shallow bits from the Poly crowd.  When asked specifically about her 2.5 years of “celibacy” with hanky-panky on the side, she is quite sincere in her belief of holding fast in not giving completely of herself to this Poly crowd.

So what the heck am I doing? I have no idea. I am circling the flame, knowing I will get burned, but wanting to feel the heat and see the light.

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Did some Karaoke afterward dance with some other people.

I sang:

I saw the Light- Hank Williams Sr.

Treat Her Like a Lady- Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose

Sexx Laws- Beck

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye to this Tainted Love

I went to dinner with WWW on Monday night. She is very captivating. I am drawn in with desire and it isn’t physical, it is more than that. I feel an honest tenderness towards her. We both feel this is a situation where we could both delve deeper into each other with connectedness. I really do like her.

I also feel this isn’t good for me. The boundary push is too great.  There are also some health issues that I haven’t written about that were of concern for me.

After dinner, I broke things off with her. I should have waited until we were out of the restaurant and walking in the neighborhood. She is such a beautiful soul, it was difficult to forcefully push a wedge between us when there is so much beauty I see inside of her.

The health issue was my tipping point. I haven’t written about it earlier, but I have had more than enough of having a health issue involved with a relationship. While she doesn’t have a life-threatening problem, it would still weigh on my mind of how we would need to limit some physical interactions and being aware of restrictions on certain lifestyle choices.

We quickly and deeply affected each other. I think my tender and serious need for deep connection hit her like a brick wall, shattering some of her reality as much as she shattered mine with her sexual mischievousness and her claims of celibacy. 

I honestly hope we can continue a friendship with one another. I just can’t give her my heart, or share her bed.

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The house is starting to come together. There is lots of concrete being poured outside for walkways and patios, effectively diverting water away from the house. We have put drains and ABS pipes under the concrete to move the rain run-off.  We have over-engineered everything. Huge over-kill on prevention. But the long-term hands-off permanence of these solutions give me peace of mind.

The basement dry-wall is going up, and both kitchens will be installed soon. I need to get off my rear end and purchase the appliances… washer/dryer, two dishwashers, and a refrigerator. 

Soft Cell- Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye to this Tainted Love

Just remember that death is not the end

Saturday we buried some ashes. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I got home by 6:00 PM and went straight to bed, and didn’t wake up until 7:00 AM Sunday morning.

It seemed so final, staring at this giant hunk of granite with my wife’s name on it. There is no comfort in a “hereafter”.  There is no comfort from a “higher power”.  There is only a very heavy and cold chunk of highly polished granite in my heart.

I hurt.

I can also understand why some widowers go crazy with hedonistic and nihilist thoughts and actions. Why bother trying to live the good life? Screw it, and get as much as you can grab... we’ll all be dead soon enough anyway.

But rational thought slowly takes over. The community comes out to greet me, lift me up….

And life is relentless in its slow march. Persistent. Hopeful with each Spring day.

Ecclesiastes 1:4

One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever.

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My hiking partner and his wife took me up a mountain for Easter Sunday. It was a hard climb. We followed a mountain ridge straight up with very few switchbacks. My body screamed in pain to match my heart.

It was exactly what I needed to do.

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I have plans to meet WWW later this evening. I am breaking things off with her tonight.

Spiraling towards burying ashes

Maybe I’m spiraling out of control over the need for touch. To belong. To feel complete.

I’ve been eating too much lately. Granted, it’s been pistachios and mandarin oranges that I’ve been gorging on…. But still….. it’s too much.

I’ve been frantic about getting to some type of dance class almost every day. I went to a contact improv basics class last night and loved it. Heading out to another dance tonight.  I’ve invited WWW to the event tonight, she will meet me there. The crazy thing is, I am rather hoping she invites me over to her place after the dance. How crazy is that? So that I can rush around in the morning to shower and gather a death certificate and be at a cemetery an hour’s drive from my house?

Maybe it’s the frantic brain trying to keep me overly busy so I don’t focus on Saturday.

We had a nice gravestone plaque created for my wife. My in-laws, her brother and niece will all be there to see some of the ashes buried. My mother-in-law will be keeping the remaining ashes and urn at her home. It will be good to have some more closure. For all of us.

I have a hike planned on Sunday, skipping dance. WWW likes to hike as well, but I really need to show some restraint and NOT invite her to hike Sunday. This is the first hike of the season, and it would be good for just my regular hiking partner and I to go alone.

My Grandfather's funeral is scheduled for NEXT Saturday. 

These posts the last few days don’t even make sense to me.

Grandpa, Death, Life, New

This month has been rather insane.

My 93 year old grandfather died last night. He was a WW2 vet, an actual “Lineman for the County” back in the late 50’s, an industrial installer for Ma Bell working specifically in site specific maintenance on aerospace applications in the 60’s and 70’s ….. today’s equivalent of a Network Administrator.

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I still went to my normal Wednesday night dance last night. It was a great dance. As we were leaving the ballroom, a new male friend gave me a hug and asked how I was. I told him about my wife’s birthday and grandfather’s death. He very beautifully said that getting to know me, he can imagine how wonderful my wife must have been, and that he would have liked to meet her. For some reason, that triggered a huge wave of grief that had been bubbling on the surface all day. In the middle of a crowded room, I exploded with tears. He held space for me. I am grateful for his friendship.

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I had a good, long talk with WWW last night.  It seems we both were not communicating well together last weekend, and both of us misunderstood each other.

Without getting into the nitty-gritty details, the group of guys I was told about are EX- boyfriends that she remained friends with, in non-sexual relationships. The guy she had a date with (that she cancelled) this week was somebody she has been seeing for a month or so.  When it all comes down to the final answer, she has just been dating people. Dating much like people in the 50’s did. Some teenage groping in the backseat every once in a while, some slow getting to know a few people…normal dating stuff.

I feel I over-reacted to some partial information, and she reacted to me. We both acknowledged we got a little prickly with each other.   We plan on some more dates. I would like to further explore how my stuff interacts with her stuff.

Whew! Volatile life! I'm just winging it, and this experiment with WWW may crash and burn, but I owe it to myself to at least try.