Thursday, May 17, 2012

Deeper and Deeper

Amazing how WWW and I can open up lines of communication and suddenly we start to understand and connect on a deeper level.

We had a talk about her “friend” and her earlier statements of desire for him. She says that is no longer the desire since our relationship has continued to get deeper.  She still hangs out with him at least twice a week, and I still have some trust issues with it…. And I just assume she is choosing to just not disclose information to me anymore.

A few weeks ago we were talking about how I conduct myself when I am away from my partner in public. I try to conduct myself in a way that my partner would always be comfortable and respected like they were actually in the room. I don’t treat it as an invisible prison guard watching my every move, but rather a respect in the community towards my partner. WWW gave me the impression that she usually follows the “out of sight, out of mind” mentality when in public without her partner. More trust issues for me to explore, I suppose….although I think WWW has given that some serious contemplation as well.

With all of this give and take, I wonder how much we are molding each other… quietly trying to shape the other into our ideal partner. I feel she is definitely continuing to explore my boundaries, just much quieter and subtler now. I am doing the same thing with her though, right?  Maybe it’s actually a healthy way of being honest with ourselves and slowing trying to show each other the real person?

I need to ease up on wanting and expecting deep connection and ease of honest communication with WWW.  My wife and I had 10 years to explore ourselves, with the urgency of her genetic disease moving things deeper on a much faster track than normal. It is completely unfair of me to expect WWW to compete with that.
I’m also still struggling with emotions of moving forward with life after the death of my wife. Survivors Guilt I suppose….. How can I live a good life now? Admitting that I am a better person now?

Dave Gahan from Depeche Mode- Deeper and Deeper

1 comment:

  1. Interesting.

    I think I comport myself without Annie the same way I do with her. Except, for me it feels the other way around. I behave the same way with her that I would without her.