Tuesday, January 31, 2012

A very very very fine house

My realtor called me yesterday afternoon. The Big Gubment financial institution Freddie Mac is about a week ahead of schedule, and they signed off on all of the paperwork.

I now have the keys in my hot little hand.  

Now comes the mad rush to get all the utilities lined up.

My New Front Room

Monday, January 30, 2012

Branching out

I took a friend to the Ukulele band on Friday night. It was a really wonderful time, as the opening band was a great County Western Swing band, in the style of Bob Wills. Damn, but that kinds of music is just plain good.

The friend I took is the owner of a vintage clothing store and I’ve known him since my late teens. We are very close. Since he owns a vintage clothing store, he is always impeccably dressed. I look like a shlumpadink standing next to him. He is also my “Foodie” friend that likes upscale eateries for pre-function meals and drinks. He is also gay.

So our friendly close demeanor at nice restaurants and gatherings guarantees we get a second glance, followed by a knowing wink. We recognize the dilemma, and laugh about it, jokingly saying “Neither of us is going to get any, at this rate”.

But the Ukulele band was awesome, and watching the swing dancers was a treat. It would be fun to take a class to learn.

No phone numbers were gotten, and the one woman I talked to was more interested in my friend, as she was wearing a 1940's  day dress with matching bakelite accessories.


I went to an amazing 40th birthday party on Saturday night. The birthday boy invited people to “do their  thing” for about 10 minutes on stage. There was a little bit of everything. Some guitar players/singers, some poetry, a few amazing acrobatic couples yoga, including this tree trunk (I mean “this guy”) that stood with five (yes, 5) people standing and hanging off of him. There was a beautiful African instrument that I can’t remember the name of, but it was like a small finger harp inside the biggest gourd I’ve ever seen. There was even a tap dancing troupe!

I only knew  a small handful of people there, but the crowd was quite nice. The birthday boy runs in a younger crowd, so most of the people were about 30.  I tried to keep myself open, and not have my wall automatically come up. I talked with a bunch of folks, but no real connection was made with anyone. I don’t think I was “hip” enough for the crowd since I didn’t perform anything.


Ecstatic Dance on Sunday morning was darn near incredible. Maybe it was the prompting of the party the night before, or maybe the new house is giving me some roots to stand up taller…… Whatever was going on, it felt great.  I was bouncing around giving hugs to people I barely know, and I felt like I really belonged in the space. I was even invited out to lunch afterwards with a group of people. It was fun socializing with these new friends. Now if I can only remember their names.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Me llamo Isherwood Wildwalker ¿Y tú?

I signed my life away yesterday for the new house. Normally when you sign you also get the keys, or at least that is how I remember it. Since this house was a foreclosed government owned home, I won’t get keys for another 3-4 business days. The great news is, I wasn’t really expecting keys until mid-February, so this is early!

I move really slow, so by the time I get all the repairs done, and finally move everything in, it might be late March.

First things first, I need to schedule the furnace and hot water heater people to come out and explain the crazy setup. I want to at least get an estimate from the alarm company to upgrade and activate the alarm system, not sure if I will actually activate the system.

Appliance shopping is early on the list as well.

But I don’t want to even make a phone call until I get the signed paperwork and the keys in my hand.


A friend of mine is trying to hold private Spanish language lessons in his front room. The first class was last night. Out of 6 people, I was the only one that didn’t already have conversational Spanish. Me llamo Isherwood Wildwalker ¿Y tú?

I don’t know if I will continue the classes, but it was kinda fun. I don’t have any passion for learning it though, I really only went to be supportive of my friend’s desire to teach it to us.


Going to another gig with my friend’s ukulele band Friday night. This is their first paying gig with an actual cover charge!

And another 40th birthday party Saturday night. This could be an interesting party. I might only know a couple of people. This will be a good test to see if I can talk to single women without automatically putting up a wall. I know it sounds cliché, but I should try to actually work to get a phone number of someone I feel interested in.

Since I’ve started dating again after my wife died, my latest M.O. is not to engage women that I find interesting, but rather sit and wait until women find ME interesting enough to pursue. That needs to change. I need to make the effort to seek out interesting people.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Advantage of a Misspent Youth

Yes, I realize my post from yesterday had some activities that might be frowned upon at that young of an age. Just to be clear, I don’t condone that type of behavior nowadays. The teenagers of the 1970’s experienced a wild time that was pre-HIV, pre-meth, and pro-disco.

And rest assured, my childhood did not include a steady diet of worldliness. If anything, I am grateful to be exposed to those things at an early age in a relatively safe environment. When the pressure from my school friends came around to try things a few years later, I already knew the effect things would have on me. I chose not to succumb to peer pressure and could easily divert myself into other situations, or limit my intake to a nominal amount.  At parties, I can still nurse a shot of whiskey for well over an hour thanks to my youth.


The house loan documents have been approved, we are now just waiting for the appointment to sign the closing papers. The house is a foreclosed Freddie Mac home, so it could take another couple of weeks.

The house is basically move-in ready if I am ok with the funky 60’s kitchen upstairs. It would be nice to re-do the kitchen and add a dishwasher and garbage disposal.

I suppose the roof can wait until spring.

I already have a few people interested in checking out the place and perhaps moving in. It would be great to have good quality friends move in. The friendship would either grow tighter, or end in a ball of flame.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

My First Horror Movie Experience

A wonderful blog writer over at Pearl, Why You Little……  tells a story of when she was a youngster going to the drive-in and watching a horror movie. It brought up memories of my own first horror movie drive-in experience.


The year was about 1978, maybe ‘79.  I was about 12 years old.  My mother’s sister is only seven years older than me. So she was maybe 19 years old.  She drove a 1976 Chevy Camaro V8 Rally Sport with the radio on, going faster miles an hour.

Her boyfriend at the time was one of the rich kids in the town she grew up in. His family home sat on the hill, with walls of windows looking down on us poor folk of the valley. The legal drinking age in that state was 18 years old back then.

They were fast, and they were trouble. The Eagles Hotel California cassette tape was the hottest sound of that endless Corvette Summer

It was a hot desert night and we were cruising The Strip of their small town, drinking Jack Daniels from the soda pop cans. I didn’t like the taste, but sipped it anyway. The strange mixture making my tummy rumble.

We ended up at the only large screen movie option in town. The Drive-in. With that big clunky mono speaker that hooked onto the window.

The move was rated R. No big deal. We had been through this before. My aunt snuck me into the R-rated Saturday Night Fever movie a few weeks earlier.

I curled up in a ball on the floor of the back seat, and they threw a blanket over me. Easy-peasy, I was eating popcorn and drinking Jack Daniels and Coke as the opening Snack Shop montage rolled across the screen.

It was a double feature extraordinaire.

Piranha  was the feature flick. A forgettable and campy summer movie. The buzz of the Jack & Coke kept me giggling and laughing at the terrifying flesh-eating scenes of gory high-camp.

During the movie intermission, my aunt and her boyfriend chose to enjoy another rite of teenage passage. The smoking of the oddly shaped cigarette. The smell was quite different from my parents Pall Malls and Virginia Slims.

I was offered a drag. I inhaled. I coughed. I felt my head become extremely heavy. I inhaled again and sipped on another strong tasting soda.

And then the second-run midnight movie came on.

I was enthralled, horrified, and completely grossed out. I screamed. I somehow kept my stomach intact the entire movie. For my young and sheltered life, this was the most horrifying movie I had ever seen.

And then we all went home to my aunt’s apartment. I was left to sleep on the couch to listen to the strange noises coming from her bedroom.

I was still feeling the effects of the toxic chemicals that had entered my body all night. I stumbled to the bathroom and looked in the mirror at my bloodshot eyes. My Eyes.  The Mansion of the Doomed images haunting me in my not quite normal state of mind. I gingerly poked a finger at the corner of my eye and watched my eyeball move in the mirror. 

I poked it again, a bit harder this time.  I screamed.


Most of us remember our first horror film. Was there a film that made an early impression on you?

Monday, January 23, 2012

End of Lethargic Apathy for the time being

Wow, the 40th birthday party for my friend was incredibly fun on Friday night. The evening didn’t progress to having people share, so my written bit that I posted about Friday was not recited.


I have a friend that owns a vintage clothing/antique store downtown. He sort of knows my hiking partner from years ago, so the three of us went out for breakfast and then out to an antique show at the county fairgrounds. There were about 600 vendors.

It was nice to get the two friends together and see them connect a bit. They ran in different crowds growing up, but we were such a small city back then, the downtown crowds intermingled constantly. It is always interesting to watch people interact when there is no connection between them, but they have a multitude of mutual friends and experiences.

A good day was had by all. My hiking partner indulged his other hobby of photography, and got some amazing shots of all the different vintage items. My vintage clothing friend picked up a few items for his shop. I had a great time as well.

I barely got home from antiquing when it was time to go to another party. This seemed to be a family themed affair, as there were more than a handful of young toddlers running around. The party ended around 11 PM. There was a great funk band playing in town, so a bunch of us went and danced the funk out of our rear ends for a couple of hours. Whew! That was fun.

Sunday is usually hippie dance church, but I really needed to do some laundry and I had a dinner party at 5 o’clock so I skipped it.  The dinner party was for the Widows/Widowers monthly dinner gathering. I had skipped last month, and there were new faces I had not met yet. I instantly fell into the facilitator roll again. I was asking members questions so the newcomers could hear the answers. That is usually my schtick. I will ask a question I already know the answer to, but I think it will help the newcomer, and the member also has to soul search for the answer. This gives all members pause to reflect and talk on what is their response to my question, and all newcomers to see the varying space of acceptance and growth.
I caught myself doing the facilitating, so after I asked for an opening round of introductions, I quit asking questions. The dinner once again became an event with strangers talking about the weather. I should be ok with that, right? I need to let it go. Time for me to move on.


I left the dinner party early, as I attended my very first Kirtan that was incredibly beautiful. A kirtan is a call and response type of meditative group chanting.  The friend who just turned 40 took me.

I will be doing this again. It was really hard to describe. It was peaceful, yet invigorating. I even got up to dance with a handful of other people.

At the end of the kirtan, as my friend and I were leaving the building, we took a back way out and ended up alone in a stairwell. I took the opportunity to finally share with my friend.

It was very warmly received, with much love and hugs.

It really does seem to come down to being willing to connect, and willing to accept connections with others.

I felt wonderful letting her know how much she has inspired me, and she felt wonderful learning she has touched a life.

Friday, January 20, 2012

An Electric Word, Life

Tonight I am going to a 40th birthday party for a friend. Quite a few people will be getting up and doing a “bit” in front of the audience. Some people will sing a song, others will recite their poetry, a performance art skit thrown in somewhere, and a general mish-mash of artistic showiness.

I have always been an observer at these group gatherings. Standing up and doing something… a “bit” in front of these people that love and support me is incredibly terrifying.
I would like to push my boundaries tonight, and stand up, and do a bit.
Below is what I would like to say. What do you think? It’s kind of a downer I think for a birthday party.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate this thing called life. Electric word, life. It means forever and that's a mighty long time…..

Happy Birthday XXXX, and Thank you for being exactly who you are.
 For everyone in this room. YOU are one of our favorite people.
YOU ARE Electric! And Full of Life.
And what does that mean to me?
*Because this whole party is all about me. Right?*
It means you have become a silent teacher for me.
You have unknowingly encouraged me to Stand Up! Feel The Music! Feel That Pulse of Life!
Cast off that self-doubt. Lift up my voice and sing with abandon …and be heard by others!  Embrace myself with my lightness AND my darkness.
To Make…A….Connection….with………..others.
All with a wink and a smile that holds a secret joy that promises there is more to be learned about this Electric word, life.
I’ve been asking myself a few questions lately……
How sure of that are you?
Very Certain?      Somewhat Certain?        Or, you think so?


I used to know the answer to that question.
So now I ask myself, How can I become my own favorite person?
And for me, the answer to THAT starts with the question of “ Who Am I ?”
And maybe even a deeper question…..
“Now that I am not the favorite person of Anybody, Who am I now?”


I don’t know how to answer any of those questions. But I’m working on it.
As we all do, I struggle to look deep within myself.
To Define myself.
To find that Passion and Purpose.
To live a life that is Full, and Electric.

So I look to you, This group, This Clan, This Family….

Help me express What becoming your own favorite person means to you ?

Help all of us answer the question of “Who Am I, Now?”

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Who ya gonna call?

I have a coworker who has earned his Falcon Scout Junior Over-Achievement Badge in Paranormal Ghost Whispering and he wants to check out my new house before I move anything in. He wants to check the place out for things like EVP(Electronic voice phenomenon) and other Ghost type stuff.

He wants to spend the night in the house with a couple of other people to do a full spectrum analysis of the home. I’m game. As long as it involves pizza and beer, it could be really interesting.

Maybe I could invite one of my hippie earth-mamma friends to burn some sage for a Smudge Ceremony.

Sounds like fun, eh?


The paperwork is still moving forward. The appraisal came in at a good number for the mortgage company. This could move faster than expected, and I might have the keys to the house in hand in just a few weeks. Now that it is much more official, I’ve started telling friends about the move.  Lots of great encouragement from them.

I need to start doing research on four major appliances. A stackable Washer/Dryer, portable dishwasher, and a refrigerator are all needed in the house. The basement kitchen has a fridge, so that could wait. The portable dishwasher could probably wait as well. But if I am going to do it….. I want to get it all purchased and delivered at the same time. That could be a boat load of money.  

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Rambling on

It’s funny how life changes so quickly. I started this blog with the intent to document my progress towards fulfilling a dream of travelling and living in a large van or small motorhome. I now find myself in the midst of buying a house, effectively tying me down to a location.

My dream of travel hasn’t left me, rather I feel it is being solidified. If I can stick with my plan of finding roommates for 4-5 years, I can catapult my travel/retirement plans onto a fast track.  If I am honest with myself, I would only want to travel for a year or two and then come back to a home. With this plan, I could have a home that is sustainable with no input from me, and I could look into taking month-long unpaid sabbaticals from my job. I say unpaid because my company is notoriously tight on paid vacation time.

If my life takes another turn and I find a life partner that I want to share my living space with, I have a wonderful home to either share, or move out of completely to rent it out. And if life were to really throw me for a crazy loop, there is space in this home to raise a family. Speaking of, I keep battling with myself about going to the doctor and getting that whole family option taken care of. I am 44 years old, and I really don’t need to start a family with anybody.


I am anxious to get into the house. It will probably be another 3-4 weeks before final document signing and I get the keys.

I’m not very technically savvy about all this blogging stuff, but I want to set up a picture storage situation. I suppose Google Picassa work, that’s where blogger stores pictures anyways?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Killing time unwillingly mine, but Mold free.

No Mold

I can breathe easier now. My brother and I went through the entire house last night. Pulling out drawers, looking under sinks, climbing in the attic, shining flashlights in every nook and cranny….and not one piece of evidence that there was ever a mold problem. We spent over an hour crawling over every place that we could look into.

I honestly believe the neighbor was just either misinformed by the previous owners that were trying to save reputation in the face of foreclosure or they were trying to scare away potential buyers so they could try to get a lower purchase price for themselves.

Either way, I have a new appreciation for the house, as I dug deeper into the quality of the home. I have some reading to do. Apparently what I thought was a normal gas furnace is actually some type of water boiler type furnace with forced air. There are gas lines AND water lines running to the furnace. A quick internet search makes it sound like a pretty nifty deal. The water heater is some fancy monstrosity as well, with two lines going in, and two lines going out. I saw new copper water lines everywhere, with some CPVC piping. They spent way too much on the purchase price of the home, and spent a ton of money on upgrades.

The more I dug around inside the house, the more I realized it is in great shape and “move-in ready” if I am ok with the late 60’s kitchen. I would like to get a dishwasher installed though.


Now I need to raise my energy level into my current living situation. Dishes and laundry need to be done. Desperately. No energy to complete the tasks. Some type of unwillingness has ahold of me.


There is also an unwillingness to respond to all the wonderful people that comment on my blog. I’m not sure what that is….perhaps another level of “If I respond, that creates correspondence, and if we have correspondence, then we become invested. If we become invested, then we might look inwards too closely.”

And lord knows I don’t want anyone to look too closely at me.

Maybe that is my homework. Starting now I should work on responding to comments left on this blog. It doesn’t need to be much, just an acknowledgement. Why am I afraid of responding?

Echo and the Bunnymen- Killing Moon
from the 1984 album Ocean Rain

Monday, January 16, 2012

moldy leftovers are never any fun

I have a friend that lives a couple of blocks away from the house I am buying. Apparently the previous owners told all the neighbors they are letting the house go into foreclosure because the bank won’t work with them on a mold issue. The neighborhood gossip is that the house is covered with mold, and the whole family was sick, even the babysitters.

Neither I nor the home inspector found any evidence of mold. Granted, we were looking before I got wind of the neighborhood rumor mill, but this is freaking me out.  I am having my brother look at the house today with me. He is a General Contractor and has dealt with mold many times.

We already plan on doing some remodeling where mold usually hangs out. A new roof, bathroom and kitchen are already planned. If we don’t see mold in those places of obvious water sources, I should be fine.

I plan on getting some relative humidity sensors and dehumidifiers to keep the moisture level below 55%.

After all of this freakout though…. I am still holding fast that the previous owners were trying to save face with not being able to make the mortgage payments. Apparently they owned three or four other homes as well, so they probably leveraged themselves to the outer edge of financial insanity. They bought at the very top of the market, and I am purchasing this home for literally $100,000 less than what they bought it for.


All of this turmoil and potential change in my life path has me strangely lethargic.

Another weekend has passed very similar to the previous. I did nothing Friday night, had a very leisurely breakfast and afternoon in a coffee shop reading and WiFi’ing  with my hiking partner, and then home alone Saturday night. The Sunday hike was called off due to the threat of snow, as we really didn’t want to push into the woods with any threat of unnecessarily bad weather. I went to ecstatic dance instead, and then straight back home to lay in bed the remainder of the day doing nothing. VERY LETHARGIC weekend 

There were some interesting private emails sent to my facebook account regarding yesterday’s post about prepping and survivalists.

I will clarify. I am very grateful for learning from these folks. These people have thought long and hard about preparing for disasters and are willingly sharing information. They are a very inclusive bunch that has space for everyone from lefty-liberals that want to live off-grid and kill all televisions and cars, to righty-righteous folks that want to “kill them all and let God sort ‘em out”.

Most folks are solidly in the middle of these two extremes, and we can all make use of some common sense preparedness. I invite you to respectfully check these two great resources out.

I might not be carrying a daily bag filled with enough provisions to last for a week anymore, but I am most assuredly using these skills to keep a full pantry, with knowledge to survive a week or more without electricity or other services  Or at least not go crazy without a smartphone and internet access!

Let’s be realistic….… You don’t rely on take-out for lunch and dinner every day, do you?

Friday, January 13, 2012

Prepare for the Mighty Roller Skater

I went roller skating last night. Much fun and quite the workout for the two hours I went around the rink. I waited all night for a “couples skate in the reverse direction” but they never called it out.

Roller-skating is a great ‘quiet’ workout for the legs and core. It is also very social. I could easily see myself adding this to my weekly options of activity.


My hiking partner and his wife have a great hike lined up for Sunday morning. I never know where we are going until that morning. It’s wonderful not needing to plan for any of the hikes.  I carry a nicely filled backpack that has a little bit of everything so I can make a fire, create a small shelter, and cover myself from the elements, so I feel pretty safe in the woods. It’s always good to be prepared.

I realize none of us are prepared for a partner’s death, but when my wife died, I felt so helpless and lost that I wanted to become prepared for anything. I found myself reading up on ‘preparedness’ and ‘preppers’. These are the new code words for the old-school term of ‘survivalists’. I’m sure there are a great many differences between the two groups, but in my early grief, I clumped the terms all together.

I found myself stockpiling food. I searched out more camping equipment. I upgraded my old camping water filtration items. I bought wilderness survival books like the US Army Survival Manual: FM 21-76.
My wife and I would sleep in the back of the mini-van for weeks at a time, so I started keeping all of my sleeping materials in the back.  I created a safety “Bug Out Bag” that I kept in my mini-van at all times. There were solar rechargeable flashlights stuck on my dashboard, always charged. I kept my entire camping setup in the storage compartments of the van. Everything from tent and tarps, to hatchets and 550 paracord. From hiking shoes and poles, to cooking equipment. I shoved as much as possible into the mini-van. I had travelled and memorized the back roads out of town. I could get myself away from the city and up in the hills with enough provisions to last 3-4 weeks.

I wanted to be ready. I wanted to prepare for the worst possible thing I could see myself facing. 

I wasn’t going to be caught unprepared, No Sir! I would be able to tackle Anything!

I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to realize the shit had already hit the fan the night my wife died.

I’ve spent the last three years working through the thoughts that lead me to stock the mini-van.

I can still go for an over-night camping trip with just a moment’s notice…but I’m getting better. 

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Might as well Jump away from Vapid Beauty

Last night, I went to a small restaurant that sometimes lets a sweet ukulele band play in a corner.  The place is pretty small, and I ended up going alone. As I sat at a fairly large table by myself in a crowded room, a group of young attractive women asked if they could join me. Sure, plenty of room, I said. These young women immediately started chatting Sex in the City style. Holy Garbage, Catwoman!

Here is one of the highlights:

First Woman introducing herself to me: Hi, I’m Yasmine.
Me: Hi Jasmine, nice to meet you.
First Woman: No, Yasmine with a Y
Second Woman: You pronounce it with a Y?
First Woman: Are you really asking me how I pronounce my name? How long have we been friends?
Second Woman: Since 3rd grade.
Third Woman: Yasmine, is that like Muslim or something?
First Woman: Well, I am Persian.
Fourth Woman: That’s like Arab, right? But like the good kind?
Me: Well nice to meet you Yasmine, (quickly looking to Second Woman) and what is your name?

I should have written down all the conversations last night. These women obviously had way too much money, talked about jetting across the states for their jobs, buying multiple homes, high-pitched voices with Valley Girl accents, college degree in business marketing….. you know the kind. And yet…. they were empty. Seriously empty. Gut-wrenchingly sad kind of empty. The kind of empty I am afraid of people seeing within me. 

Realistically, I acknowledge my life is full and rich with experience. I just need to learn how to accept it.

And on a completely different note, Van Halen has announced plans to tour with David Lee Roth again.  The original Van Halen lineup was my late wife’s favorite band growing up.  My wife and I had very different musical tastes, so she would subject me to Van Halen quite often. Sometimes I would quietly retaliate by playing this Jump cover song by Aztec Camera. She would cringe and laugh and we would sing along to both versions.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Ecstatic Estate Sales

Paperwork has been accepted, signed and returned on both ends. Ernest money check has been deposited. Loan Documents have been ordered. It’s way beyond official now. And of course I’m freaked out of my mind.

Realistically, the house will only be a couple of hundred a month more than what I am currently spending on rent and utilities. Still cheaper than the mortgage that was on the suburban ranch house I sold a year ago.

And really…. If I even get just one person to rent a room (and not two people like originally planned) I will be able to put a good chunk of extra payment towards the mortgage.


Well, it didn’t take long, and I have already disabled my OkCupid account.  I don’t think there are many people on that site that fit the profile of people I am drawn to.   I’m much better off getting more active in my community doing the things I like to do, and meeting people organically.

It is time to focus on me. Focus on the house. Focus on setting up the house to be a home. I will have to buy a lot of yard tools again. Heck, I should be hitting the estate sales now, and getting some small things I know I will need. I love estate sales for that type of stuff. The items are cheap, usually better quality than new, and has character.

My usual Wednesday night dilemma is whether to go to Ecstatic Dance or to my friend’s Yoga and social hour in his backyard. Tonight I won’t be doing either. I have plans to go see a music group consisting of women that play all kinds of string instruments. I have a few friends in the band, and I have seen them many times before, always a great treat.

New Experiences! Pushing Boundaries! Exploring Outside of Normal Comfort Zone!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Lonesome with Amazing Memories

It must be the calm before the storm. The new house is in a holding pattern, waiting for the paperwork to process. This last weekend was completely free of all obligations, with nothing planned. I had absolutely no desire to do anything all weekend, and I was pretty successful.

A session with my shrink on Friday after work, and then I basically went home to bed. I laid around all Saturday doing nothing but play on the computer, and Sunday I finally got motivated to go to Ecstatic Dance and then do some laundry.
So on Saturday I re-activated an old on-line dating profile with OkCupid. Lots of the same faces from a year ago. I put up some new photos, changes some descriptions, and had fun looking at all the pictures. I even spent some time checking out the competition of the other mid 40’s single guys in my demographic.  I gotta say, I may not be the most handsome guy around, but I do still have all of my hair with very little gray…and all my teeth too.

I am chalking up my absolutely lazy weekend to a number of things. 

My bank account still has my late wife’s name on it, and the underwriter for the home mortgage asked me to clarify my relationship status. I told them I would scan a copy of her death certificate to them on Monday. When I dug out her death certificate on Friday night, I do believe it was the very first time I had read the entire document. Amazing how much information that little piece of paper holds. Amazing how many memories a life can hold.   

While my relationship ended cleanly with B.D. early last week, I hadn’t made any plans with friends for the weekend, and more than a few friends are out of town. So I cruised on-line dating profiles all day long feeling sorry for myself, and laughing at the same time at how much I have it together compared to some of my competition. I may come with more baggage than a carry-on, but at least mine will fit in the over-head compartment. It’s taken 3 years of therapy to pack in in the bag, but at least I know what is in it now.

Hank Williams Sr. Nobody's Lonesome for Me

Friday, January 6, 2012

A house. Soon to be a home.

Did some yin yoga last night. Some people call it a restorative yoga. Yin yoga is a slower style of yoga, holding poses for much longer, and working more on the stretching and opening of the body, rather than the muscular strengthening of the yang yoga. Or at least that’s what I’ve interpreted the differences as. I ain’t no yogi so whadda I know?


Two bedrooms, 1 bathroom on the main floor, another bedroom and bathroom in the basement. The basement also has another kitchen and large family room. A deep single car garage with room to park two vehicles in front, and another under the carport. A modest working-class home in a healthy and diverse neighborhood. Within walking distance of two grocery stores.

There is work that needs to be done, but the only thing that is necessary is a roof in the next year. And the hot tub. The hot tub in the back yard needs to work. Mmm hmmm.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

looking within to see a small glimmer of something

Went to an Ecstatic Dance class last night, and I was watching a person that used to be very shy and withdrawn. This person was alive last night! Their body was moving wild with abandon, eye contact with other dancers, and physical interaction with others as dance partners.

I was very happy for them….and quite jealous.  I long to open myself to allow the eye contact, and physical connection with the other dancers. Something within myself keeps me withdrawn and isolated.

I think it goes back to the feeling of loss and becoming an empty shell of what I once was.  I don’t want people to get too close to me, for fear they find out there is really nothing inside. 

Back to that old mantra of finding Purpose and Passion. I have nothing in my life that moves me now.

As much as I hate to rely on materialistic trappings of consumerism, I think this house might just be a helpful boost.

It doesn’t address my shyness and unwillingness to let others in my mind, but it might give me a small focus at least.

So what stops me from making deeper contact with people? My wife and I had that connection with ourselves and our closest friends, why can’t I move that expression forward with my new life?

Why is that fear of rejection so strong in me?

Portishead- Sour Times- Dummy

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The beginning of paperwork signing

It finally feels official. I am leaving work early today to head over to my bank to get a Cashier’s Check for the ernest money for the house. I also signed the preliminary paperwork accepting the terms of the agreement.

Yup, I am officially on my way to a 30 year mortgage. It isn’t 40 acres and a mule, but 5,000 square feet of dirt and 1800 square feet of house.
I went for the 30 year mortgage so I have that buffer of a lower required minimum monthly payment, with the opportunity to pay off more every month. If I apply the same amount to the mortgage as I currently pay for rent (minus the extra utilities) I knock the mortgage term length down to 15 years.

If I can rent out the basement it will knock the mortgage term length down to just about 10 years.

If I rent out the basement and the second bedroom on the main floor, I knock the mortgage term length down to right at 6 years.

Six years to be able to own the home mortgage free. Six years of renters tearing up the house. Six years of no personal space.

So why don’t I just get a 15 year loan or a 10 year loan? Well, the interest rate creeps up ever so slightly the shorter the term, and I would also be locked into very high minimum monthly payments that would require me to always have renters.  I can see myself going in spurts renting out the spaces, with longish periods of time where the house contains only myself and no renters.

Long story short, it would be most realistic for me to plan on  10-12 years of mortgage payments.

I am excited!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The "Talk" talk

Had a New Year’s Eve party at my place. There were probably 75 people that wandered through by night’s end. Some wonderful people showed up. There were some top-grade musicians that were jamming downstairs, and there was a euro-techno dance party upstairs. Much fun was had by all.

I brought down the house with a remix of a great Dolly Parton song. Jolene remixed by Johnatron  It was a great song to end the dancing with.


I had dinner with B.D. last night. She came over to my place and we had a nice talk. About 20 minutes into catching up with each other over the last two weeks, I started “The Talk”.

I mentioned how much fun we have and how easily we get along. I then told her that I wouldn’t be able to move this relationship forward any further than it is. She responded much like I expected, with barely an eye blink. She said she has heard me state previously that I am not ready for a heavy relationship and that she had quickly slid me into “boyfriend” roll into her life and that she needed someone with more drive and desire in their life to make an effort to make plans with her.  We smiled and acknowledged we have a fun time together, and then we went and had dinner. It was a great dinner, and then we parted ways. I suspect we will run into each other at events, but I doubt either of us will make the effort to make specific plans to see each other.

Still waiting to start signing paperwork on the house. Since it is owned by the government, there is supposedly more paperwork than normal. It will feel real if I can sign something, and/or they put a PENDING status on the property.

Talk Talk- It's my Life