I Came to Dance

I went on a buying spree for building materials last night. Gathered up enough materials to generate a bill that equals three and one-half months’ worth of take home pay.  I was nauseous as we went over the list. The funny thing is, we didn’t end up buying any of it. My General Contractor didn’t get the price break he wanted, so we walked out of the store. Apparently these stores will wheel and deal a lot more with the contractors. But we did get a full list of items we need, and I got a taste of what it will really cost when we pull the trigger on buying all of it. The list didn’t include any appliances, and I am going to order kitchen cabinets today that will cost about 1.5 months’ worth of salary. Wow. Nice cabinets though!

I’ve gotten past the point of freaking out about the cost. I will be (already am) broke, but I won’t need to do anything more to the house except general upkeep. I’m also splurging on the initially expensive high-efficiency LED lighting so my utility cost should stay fairly low. I still think I’ve done the right decision on the house.

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I wasn’t able to make it to my regular Wednesday night dance class last night, and I really missed it. They have Ecstatic Dance in most major cities in North America. Sometimes it is called Soul Motion Dance. Usually the dances are held in yoga studios as they have nice open floors and usually a sound system.  I’ve often thought how much fun it would be to travel the countryside in an RV and rent space in dance studios, grange halls, or old ballrooms to hold a dance in some small town. All it takes is 5-6 people, a decent speaker system, and my laptop pre-loaded with the music. I could easily imagine a modest cover charge that would pay the space rental cost. It would have to be pretty small towns though. A quick Google search for “ecstatic dance”, “soul motion” or “5rhythms” will probably bring up something near you. 

What I find interesting about these dances, is the kind of people that go to them. I have met doctors and construction workers. I have met a nationally ranked Mixed Martial Arts Fighter. I met an older man with crippled legs that danced on crutches. I’ve met young families with small children that run around interacting with everyone. And you know something? It is also interesting in who I Don’t meet at these events. There seems to be a self-regulating process that weeds out the people that don’t have good intentions at the dance. These people may come once, but they seldom come back until they are ready to interact with the other dancers with respect. I find it amazing.

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I have another date with The Woo Woo woman  tonight. I seem to be drawn towards her quietness. It’s different than the quietness of Blind Date woman. 

I also don’t think Woo Woo is actually looking for “a relationship” in the standard sense. I get the impression she would like to hang out with me, but she would also want the freedom and space to hang out with whomever she pleases. This might be another good transition for me.

Molding to the Body Electric

Found the mold

The main water pipe coming into the house had a slow leak right at the foundation, keeping everything wet, but not enough leaking enough to noticeably see it through the sheetrock or flooring.  We found it only because I wanted a whole house water filter installed. We’ve ripped out one room of the basement already, and will open up a few more walls.

The concrete foundation is solid and looks good. We think the mold problem is a result of how the basement was framed in. They used 2X6 boards right up against the concrete, with heavy duty insulating foam board tightly glued to the wall and packed between the studs . We think they sealed it up too air-tight so there was nowhere for the normal moisture and humidity to go from the concrete foundation wall.

We may rip out all of the 2X6 boards and replace with metal studs and standard insulation held away from the wall for some breathing space, after we seal the wall.

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Last night, I went to a “contact” style of dance.  It was very physical and challenging. My body is very sore today. The gist of it is you lean into a partner as they lean into you, moving gently with the flow.

We touch shoulders and just leaned in, each slowly moving in opposite circles like two cogs in a machine. We locked arms and leaned back as a matter of trust. We rolled on the floor, putting our full weight on each other. There was pseudo leg wrestling. There were human pyramids.  There were simple gymnastic and acrobatic moves against each other.

It was kind of like slow motion wrestling, but without the aggression of trying to “win” anything or end up in any particular position.

The dance was filled with men and women, with no distinction for a dance partner. I did find the movement with other men was a bit harder and physical, gently testing each other’s strength and balance constantly. Dancing with the women was much slower and smoother, sensual without being sexual. At times there were three or four people moving together in a big pile. At one point a woman that was well into her 60’s laid on her back as her feet balanced my hips, and her arms supported my shoulders….I floated in the air supported by her strength. Amazing feeling of floating and letting go.

Why am I doing something like this?  Because I long for touch.  I long for connection. The dance  builds my confidence, raises my self-esteem, allows me to see myself as a beautiful and desirable human being.

I will be going back next week.

Ecstatic Estate Sales

Paperwork has been accepted, signed and returned on both ends. Ernest money check has been deposited. Loan Documents have been ordered. It’s way beyond official now. And of course I’m freaked out of my mind.

Realistically, the house will only be a couple of hundred a month more than what I am currently spending on rent and utilities. Still cheaper than the mortgage that was on the suburban ranch house I sold a year ago.

And really…. If I even get just one person to rent a room (and not two people like originally planned) I will be able to put a good chunk of extra payment towards the mortgage.

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Well, it didn’t take long, and I have already disabled my OkCupid account.  I don’t think there are many people on that site that fit the profile of people I am drawn to.   I’m much better off getting more active in my community doing the things I like to do, and meeting people organically.

It is time to focus on me. Focus on the house. Focus on setting up the house to be a home. I will have to buy a lot of yard tools again. Heck, I should be hitting the estate sales now, and getting some small things I know I will need. I love estate sales for that type of stuff. The items are cheap, usually better quality than new, and has character.

My usual Wednesday night dilemma is whether to go to Ecstatic Dance or to my friend’s Yoga and social hour in his backyard. Tonight I won’t be doing either. I have plans to go see a music group consisting of women that play all kinds of string instruments. I have a few friends in the band, and I have seen them many times before, always a great treat.

New Experiences! Pushing Boundaries! Exploring Outside of Normal Comfort Zone!

A house. Soon to be a home.

Did some yin yoga last night. Some people call it a restorative yoga. Yin yoga is a slower style of yoga, holding poses for much longer, and working more on the stretching and opening of the body, rather than the muscular strengthening of the yang yoga. Or at least that’s what I’ve interpreted the differences as. I ain’t no yogi so whadda I know?

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Two bedrooms, 1 bathroom on the main floor, another bedroom and bathroom in the basement. The basement also has another kitchen and large family room. A deep single car garage with room to park two vehicles in front, and another under the carport. A modest working-class home in a healthy and diverse neighborhood. Within walking distance of two grocery stores.

There is work that needs to be done, but the only thing that is necessary is a roof in the next year. And the hot tub. The hot tub in the back yard needs to work. Mmm hmmm.

Xmas Funk

I think my downer attitude is just the basic holiday blues.

I talked with my in-laws last night and they have invited me to their home for Christmas again. I don’t think I will go over there this year. My father-in-law and I talked again about a remembrance gathering for my wife on her birthday. It was a tear-filled phone call for me as I sat in the parking lot of a restaurant on my way to a Christmas dinner with my co-workers.

The last few days I have been looking at large vans/small RV’s again.  I am seeing some really sweet setups for about $20,000. I’ve been thinking of forced motivation if I had a small RV. I would still work at my current job.  I would want to join a gym for the nice showers. Hopefully a gym with a decent yoga instructor and frequent classes with multiple locations.  It might force me to want to socialize more. God forbid, I call my friends every once in a while.

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I will be going to an ugly sweater party on Friday night.  Should be lots of fun, and hopefully will get the funk out of my face.

JAMES BROWN Soulful Christmas  Santa's Got a Brand New Bag

What do you do?

I went to B.D.’s party last night. It was a bit overwhelming and definitely not the kind of crowd I normally move in. There were fancy haircuts, fancy shoes, and plenty of turned up noses. If I had to guess what most of the attendee’s favorite pastime was, I would guess “making more money”.

B.D. is comfortable in this crowd. I am not. I made the most of it, and tried to be engaging and talkative. Didn’t work out so much. I was pretty darn quiet. Especially when the first question on people’s lips is “what do you do?”. 

 

Hrmm…. What do I do?

And of course my over-active mind didn’t hear the question of “What do you do so you can eat”, but rather, “What do you do to make you, you?”

Great question. Difficult answer.

What is it that I do, that makes me, me? Sure, I do yoga, hike, karaoke, hippie dance church…..but what else? What do I do to nurture my soul? I’ve done more gentle holding of my soul than nurturing the last 3 years.  What do I do? I see a shrink every week. I used to see a hospice grief support group twice a month. I go to a young widows and widowers support dinner once a month.   

Is that who I am? When my wife was alive, it never seemed to be a question that needed answered. I was Husband, Best Friend, Confidant, Lover. Part of a Team. There was no need to ask “what do you do?”

The question of “Who Am I Now?”  is so very difficult for me to answer.

What makes you, you?

All Meat and no potatoes.

I finally dragged myself to a yoga class last night. It felt GREAT. Yoga is such a wonderful way for me to keep in shape. If I could do yoga twice a week, and do Hippie Dance Church twice a week, I would be much healthier, in both mind and spirit. But who has the time for that? Motivation kicks in and I will stick with a schedule for a month, but then something will throw me off, and I won’t get back into the groove.

Stick-to-it-ness…. Definitely lacking in my life.  I must look inward with that.

After yoga, I had dinner with a group of guys. We ate meat. Lots of it. Way too much of it. We started with Ohama Pork and ended with Tenderloin. On the BBQ. In the rain. With beer.  

I don’t eat much pork or red meat anymore. I eat chicken once or twice a week still.  Not out of any religious or ethical reasons, but rather the boring financial one. It’s just seems cheaper for me to eat more veggies. And Quinoa.  I eat a lot of quinoa. Every other day it seems. Lentils seem to be creeping into my diet more often lately also.

So I have the keys to the apartment. The carpet was cleaned and looks great. The windows have arrived and need to be installed. I’m only going to re-paint one room. I told the landlord I won’t be doing any repair work on the walls, just painting them. I won’t paint the trim though. I need to get my butt in gear in moving my stuff. If I paint this weekend, that only leaves two weekends before the Thanksgiving holiday and I want to be completely in by then. I can do it. Overcome Procrastination! 

And to balance out the carnage of meat, here is The Smiths telling me how horrible I am.

The Smiths- Meat is Murder- Steven Patrick Morrissey

In My Room

Looked at my new apartment today. The carpets have not been cleaned, and the promised new front windows have not been replaced. The windowpanes are barely connected in these windows, with wind flowing freely inside. The landlord also indicated she wasn’t going to paint the walls. Now that the previous tenant has removed all their paintings and posters, the walls look terrible. I will slap some paint on the pink bedroom, and cover the beige in the front room. I will probably pick a neutral grey to match the white trim.

I’m a bit freaked out that I need to get her to do these repairs while the apartment is empty, and also get myself moved from my current apartment by the end of the month. And there is a holiday in there as well.

On the bright side, there is a beautiful view across the city to the hills from my new front windows. There is ample closet space, and an actual kitchen.  The place has old electric wall heaters, so I will research space heaters to supplement the warmth.

I will need to consciously restrict my social activities this month! And I just got a text from my buddy who wants to hit a yoga class tonight with me. Must Have Willpower To Say No… starting next week J

Yaz / Yazoo Upstairs at Eric's - In My Room

Hiking with the Boogie Fever

A full weekend planned. Hiking with a new partner tomorrow (Saturday), someone I’ve known for a few years, but have never hiked with. He is a bit of an outdoorsman, so it will be interesting to see if I can keep up. Another hike is tentatively scheduled for Sunday with my regular hiking partner.

I will be skipping my standard Sunday morning routine of Ecstatic Dance yet again this month. Yeah, ecstatic dance. I’ll wait here while you google it…. Now don’t laugh. It’s a wonderful way to get the body moving. Nice and sweaty workout with good music and beautiful people. Every walk of life is there, from young families with children, to long-retired elder adults just trying to keep the bones moving. Sure, there are a few dirty-foot hippies, and some hot soccer moms in yoga pants, but most are regular folks just dancing around, trying to feel the groove and maybe burn a few calories while interacting with the community. You should look it up, and see if there is an ecstatic dance community in your town.