Drafty, with a chance for warmth

My new apartment is in a wonderful location, with great old built-ins and full of character. It also is drafty with poor plumbing and wiring. This morning I tripped the circuit breaker by using a hair dryer when the space heater decided to kick on. Great. I fumbled for a flashlight, threw on some clothes and walked ….outside… to the basement side door to reset the breaker. It was only 36 degrees outside…..

This is all great news though. It will force me to be active in looking for a place of my own. I won’t be complacent in mediocrity like my last apartment.  This will force me to look at what I really want in a home. Previously I was looking for someplace big enough to have two roommates help pay for a huge mortgage and maybe generate a little income. My new thoughts are to go very small with a minimal mortgage and keep the space just for myself with no roommates. This would also leave a bit of a nest egg of funds. With any luck, the space would have room to park a van or RV for future travels.

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B.D. is coming over tonight, and will probably stay until Saturday morning, when she needs to leave for an out-of-town trip. It will be interesting to see what my brain does. This is a new living space with no memories (except for the bed itself, with brand new sheets and mattress pad!) and we have no plans for the night…

I’m glad that she has to leave early though, as tomorrow is my only day to clean the old apartment. I hope to be completely out, and hand over the keys.  Should be easy as everything is out of the place and I just need to clean and scrub. I don’t know why I’m working so hard on it, as I seriously doubt the landlord will give me back my cleaning deposit anyway.

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I see my shrink today, and she will be happy to hear that I have a date with B.D tonight, but I will also be attending a dinner party Saturday night with the 28 year-old hottie, and then on Tuesday I have plans to have dinner with the woman I dated for 6 months that reminded me way too much of my wife. My shrink is encouraging me to see other people in social settings. Not necessarily a dating setting, but just getting myself out there talking with women that are desirable. I suppose she is trying to get my self –esteem back up to previous levels.

Sunday is an early afternoon 40^th Birthday party for one of my hiking partners.  This should be fun. She is a naturopathic doctor and the afternoon should be filled with interesting people. The late afternoon finds me once again going to the monthly young widows/widowers group. I told myself I was going to skip this month, but they went and scheduled it for a restaurant within walking distance of the new apartment.

Missing She & Him

Some days are easier than others.

There is absolutely no reason why the darkness settled down on me last night.

Yesterday was a roller coaster in the housing department. There is a Short Sale home I have been looking at for over 8 months that I am in second position for. The banks finally agreed to sell at a set price, and the buyer in first position indicated he no longer wanted it. My realtor pounced and we gathered up the appropriate paperwork and sent it in. At the eleventh hour, the first buyer changed his mind and decided to purchase the property a scant hour before the deadline.  Frustration.

Went home to a freezing cold apartment with drafty 100 year old windows and promptly started popping the circuit breakers when I turned on some space heaters. Apparently every outlet and every light switch is on one line. Wonderful. There is very little water pressure in the house, so the shower just barely gives out enough water to rinse my hair. The bathroom sink U-pipe is almost completely plugged.  I love my new apartment.

But I am able to walk just a few blocks to a wonderfully vibrant street filled with activities. I met some friends for Happy Hour drinks and the bar was sponsoring a “Trivia Night” so we joined in and held our own and came in 4^th place.

Maybe it was the two whiskey drinks, but as I walked home the grief started to settle down on me. I crawled into bed and wept. My life used to be so simple and filled with constant joy with tenderness and love.  Now, I don’t see the need to try and heat the apartment just for myself. The blocked drain is fine, it’s only me using it. Heck, even the shower isn’t a big deal since I don’t really need to be that clean for anyone. Why unpack everything? …………….I need to break out of this dip of negative emotion and get myself positive again!

Tonight I will start the final cleaning up the old apartment for an hour or so, and then I should get myself to the Wednesday night Hippie Dance. Push my body and sweat it out.

She & Him are Zooey Deschanel & M. Ward

C'est la vie

Again I am humbled by the recent uptick in readers. Thank you.

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As I pack up my belongings to move to the new apartment, I realize how much “stuff” I have that I never use. This draws me back to the dream of scaling down to the bare essentials and moving into an RV or Van. Have I abandoned this dream? I hope not. Perhaps my goal for the next several months is to put out a “free box” on the corner every week. I live in the type of inner urban area that “free boxes” are a common sight.

Perhaps I could take note of the 100 Thing Challenge  and try to get myself down to maybe 500 things first. I wonder how many items the typical Van or RV fulltimer owns?  How do you count a “Thing” anyway? Would a bed count as one? Or does it count as multiple items with the mattress, box spring, headboard, rails, etc……  bah,  why get hung up on the details! I’ll count it as one and move on!

I purged once before, about a year ago when I sold the house in the suburbs but that was with a different mindset. I was pushing through the darkness trying to force myself into a healthier space. This time around, it would be with a much clearer head. Besides, I kept some of the oddest things that my wife used.  I don’t know why I thought they were important to keep back then. Things like 3 different sets of table cloth settings, multiple plastic baskets she had in the bathroom drawers, kitchen utensils I don’t even know how to use… the list goes on. I don’t need to carry these things around. There isn’t any attachment to them.

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So I’m taking tomorrow off work to pack up, and Saturday I have friends helping me move the big stuff. Hopefully I can get everything out of the old apartment by Sunday and then spend the day deep cleaning. Should be fun.

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B.D. has invited me to dinner at her place Friday night. I’m a bit apprehensive as there might be some pressure to stay over, and I am not sure I have the willpower to say no. I miss being touched. I don’t mean sex, I mean touch. A gentle hand on my shoulder, an arm around my waist. The quietness of tenderness.  I fear that my physical attentiveness will be misinterpreted as emotional connection. We have had several “talks” and I think we are both on the same page, but this new interaction puts a twist on it. I suppose it is time to re-state our positions over dinner, before we tumble into dessert.

Jacques Dutronc ET MOI, ET MOI, ET MOI  60's French 

Naked Emotions & Raw Yearning

I left my quiet little blog on Friday afternoon and returned today to find some incredibly kind words from Teresa Evangeline.  I have been following Teresa for a short time, and have grown to admire her insightful and thoughtful posts. She’s a great writer.  Her writings flow smoothly and gracefully over a large pendulum of topics. 

I am humbled that people have been taking the time to read my scattershot crazy ramblings. Thank You.

We are all stumbling through life and it is nice to know that we are not alone, and that there are some people with sturdier footing that we can lean on every once in a while.

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I painted the bedroom in the new apartment on Saturday. It looks great. The room is bright and cheery. I picked a gray with a very slight tint of blue and once I put up some artwork on the walls, it should be a very welcoming space.

I also made a few more trips with the minivan, bringing over more items. The poor minivan has had an electrical problem for months now. The running lights, interior lights, and fog lights all stay on for up to 30 minutes after the engine is turned off, or the doors are opened. Since the doors were being opened and closed all day long, the battery went dead. Great. I finally got a jump and drove it back to my old apartment and parked it for the night.

I went out with some friends that night and since I wasn’t driving, I had a few more Adult Beverages than necessary. Between the hangover, the time change, and the potential for a dead battery on the minivan, I really didn’t want to get out of bed. Imagine my surprise when I finally motivated and got myself up and tried to start the car. It turned over on the first time and seemed happy. I went ahead and disconnected the fog lights, hoping not to repeat the dead battery.

B.D. came over to the new apartment on Sunday night, and we walked the 3 blocks to a really nice dinner (braised pork, greens gratin, and mashed taters). I actually heard a few belly laughs from her!  She is still quiet, but that is not for a lack of brain activity. She is super smart, and sometimes I wonder if she is trying to bring it down a notch to communicate with me.

We ended up back at my new apartment and things got a little hot and heavy. My mind was racing with crazy thoughts of my late wife. My heart was screaming “Stop!, you are being unfaithful!” and my brain was trying to calm myself down with “ You are just moving forward”. My body didn’t know what to do and chose not to respond.

And that’s ok. In fact, it’s best that things were kept light and breezy.

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I am now in a mad rush to empty out the old apartment. I have friends coming over Saturday to help move the big stuff. I want to have everything out before then. 

A Satisfied Mind

Did some Karaoke last night. Only sang two songs, neither were fun, nor  did I sing them very well.

I really like the song “A Satisfied Mind” by Red Foley. The karaoke bar had a version by Porter Wagoner that was a bit slower and rather boring. It was a real groaner for the audience.

My second song was “Photograph” by Ringo Starr. Upbeat song tempo, depressing lyrics. My friends were looking at me curiously as I sang this, looking for deeper meaning from me as a widower. There wasn’t any deeper meaning, I just like to sing new songs but this one didn’t translate well into karaoke and it was the second groaner of the night.

I took some tchotchke’s  to the new apartment last night. My first load of many.

The carpets were cleaned and there is way too much moisture in the house now. I tried to open some windows to let the moisture out but none of the windows would open. The house was painted a few weeks ago, and every single window has been painted shut on the outside. Joy. I was finally able to open one small window. The landlord says she will get the windows opened soon.

Tonight I will be hitting the Paint store for some supplies.

I plan to get the room ready to paint tonight, with painting on Saturday and dancing that evening with some friends. I think we are going to an 80’s night. Sunday will have me moving more items and then a date with B.D. in the evening. Maybe I should bring my camping bed over  and set it up in the front room….

Once again, as my activity level remains high, my mental outlook remains positive. My self-esteem seems to be slowly creeping upwards as well. I am encouraged with this move. More closure and one more step towards living life again. 

I feel satisfied right now.

Porter Wagoner- A satisfied mind - grand ole opry

All Meat and no potatoes.

I finally dragged myself to a yoga class last night. It felt GREAT. Yoga is such a wonderful way for me to keep in shape. If I could do yoga twice a week, and do Hippie Dance Church twice a week, I would be much healthier, in both mind and spirit. But who has the time for that? Motivation kicks in and I will stick with a schedule for a month, but then something will throw me off, and I won’t get back into the groove.

Stick-to-it-ness…. Definitely lacking in my life.  I must look inward with that.

After yoga, I had dinner with a group of guys. We ate meat. Lots of it. Way too much of it. We started with Ohama Pork and ended with Tenderloin. On the BBQ. In the rain. With beer.  

I don’t eat much pork or red meat anymore. I eat chicken once or twice a week still.  Not out of any religious or ethical reasons, but rather the boring financial one. It’s just seems cheaper for me to eat more veggies. And Quinoa.  I eat a lot of quinoa. Every other day it seems. Lentils seem to be creeping into my diet more often lately also.

So I have the keys to the apartment. The carpet was cleaned and looks great. The windows have arrived and need to be installed. I’m only going to re-paint one room. I told the landlord I won’t be doing any repair work on the walls, just painting them. I won’t paint the trim though. I need to get my butt in gear in moving my stuff. If I paint this weekend, that only leaves two weekends before the Thanksgiving holiday and I want to be completely in by then. I can do it. Overcome Procrastination! 

And to balance out the carnage of meat, here is The Smiths telling me how horrible I am.

The Smiths- Meat is Murder- Steven Patrick Morrissey

In My Room

Looked at my new apartment today. The carpets have not been cleaned, and the promised new front windows have not been replaced. The windowpanes are barely connected in these windows, with wind flowing freely inside. The landlord also indicated she wasn’t going to paint the walls. Now that the previous tenant has removed all their paintings and posters, the walls look terrible. I will slap some paint on the pink bedroom, and cover the beige in the front room. I will probably pick a neutral grey to match the white trim.

I’m a bit freaked out that I need to get her to do these repairs while the apartment is empty, and also get myself moved from my current apartment by the end of the month. And there is a holiday in there as well.

On the bright side, there is a beautiful view across the city to the hills from my new front windows. There is ample closet space, and an actual kitchen.  The place has old electric wall heaters, so I will research space heaters to supplement the warmth.

I will need to consciously restrict my social activities this month! And I just got a text from my buddy who wants to hit a yoga class tonight with me. Must Have Willpower To Say No… starting next week J

Yaz / Yazoo Upstairs at Eric's - In My Room

Halloween Poetry?

Ended up at a poetry reading last night. It wasn’t horrible, just not real exciting. Most of the readings were women pondering things like embryos clinging to red walls reminiscent of children hanging from monkey bars, or tucking children in at night with thoughts of being a better parent tomorrow. Yeah. That kind of poetry reading. But I was supporting a friend who was supporting one of the readers, so I got some cultural points this week.

I am going to put my deposit down on the new apartment today. With any luck I can start moving in next week, depending on the flooring situation. The carpets need cleaning desperately.  I want to hang pictures and artwork up as quickly as possible to make it home.

Halloween weekend. Could be fun, could be crazy. I have left tonight wide open, and have a party on to attend on Saturday. B.D. is attending a different party, but might show up to meet me later. Sunday I have an event to carve some pumpkins. Sunday is also Hippie Dance Church, but they are doing a Day of the Dead celebration type dance, and I don’t think I should subject myself to that.

I’m not so sure about my Halloween costume this year. I was talked into wearing a black negligee type top, with a black skirt. I found some cool boots at a local thrift store, they have a thick high heel and go up a little way over the ankle.  I will also be wearing a ¾ sleeve long gold lamé coat. Yeah, not sure how I was talked into this cute little number. 

Work for Love of yourself

Sometimes even boring days can be fun.

I had no plans last night, so I finally caught up on laundry (four loads!!) while I made dinner and cleaned up the apartment a bit.  An old friend called with boyfriend trouble, so we had a nice long chat. Relationships shouldn’t be a daily struggle, right?

I am in a holding pattern for so many things in my life right now, it’s rather frustrating.  I am hoping to be able to move into the new apartment in the next couple of weeks, waiting for my realtor to hear some good news on the house that I put an offer on earlier, and wanting to spend some more time with B.D. to see if it goes anywhere.

Writing this blog every workday is not as easy as I thought it would be. I feel like I am filling it with drivel and very little meat. I feel like if I skip a day, I will start skipping two days, and then it will start long stretches of no entries. At least this way, I am forced to look inward at least a little bit every day.

Boring for readers, but then again, I am not keeping this blog for readers. This is for my own discovery.

Ministry Work for Love

Have you never been mellow?

Well aren’t I a contradiction of intention. Tonight I am going out once again with the Blind Date woman who I previously mentioned held no spark for me.  Seems the more we hang out and she opens up, the more enjoyable her company becomes.

I’ve been very sedate and mellow the last two days for some reason. I have literally made myself some dinner after work and then laid down in bed for the remainder of the night. I’m talking like 6:30 pm I’m in bed. Granted, I’m either reading, or emailing/web browsing on my iPhone, but still, there is no reason for me to be lying in bed for 11 hours a day.  I think it has more to do with the rain and lack of pre-scheduled events more than anything.

I have events scheduled every night until Sunday, so I should feel more productive in the coming days.

The excitement for moving into the new apartment is increasing, and I am anxious to see how this change could be another closure for me after my wife’s death.  This apartment might turn into an actual Bachelor Pad and that would be an extremely positive thing. Maybe the current mellowness is my body gearing up for the frenzy of moving ?

I need to get out and sing some Karaoke. It’s been a couple of months since I last went.

Olivia Newton John sings the original sugary version of Have You Never Been Mellow, but The Feederz do a great punk rock cover. Kenny and Junko are amazing as well, as witnessed in the youtube video above. Yeah, right? This is what they call a "bathroom break song" at the Karaoke Bars.

The Operation of the Machine becomes so Odious

I updated my Facebook app for iPhone this morning, and of course it crashed my phone and it requires a system restore. Apple has also made it a requirement that a restore can only be accomplished with a connection to the internet. How nice. My company blocks the Apple domain so I can’t install iTunes to update the phone.  And since I don’t have internet access at home, I need to take my laptop to a coffee shop after work and try to find some fast WiFi.

Joy.

I told my landlord I am moving at the end of November. It really is a relief. I feel stifled in this basement.  I’m excited to decorate the new place, hanging up pictures and bringing out of storage some vintage knick-knacks. I hope to be able to have people over in a setting that more reflects my personality.

I was watching some YouTube videos last night of the #OccupyTogether march I attended on Sunday.  I was shocked to see my face on several of the videos. I was standing about 3 rows back from the front. I was amazed at how I looked on the video. I looked angry. My fist was clenched in the air. The muscles in my face and neck stretched tight. Wide open mouth shouting with the crowd. The reality of the march was very peaceful, with many smiles, and even laughter. Children were playing  and musical instruments were spread throughout.  The face on the videos was not the face I was actually feeling  while marching.

The march ended at a city park, where people stood and voiced their opinions. I was struck by their intensity, but I also noticed their lack of preparedness for the speeches.  I wanted to hear another Mario Savio:

"There's a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious—makes you so sick at heart—that you can't take part. You can't even passively take part. And you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you've got to make it stop. And you've got to indicate to the people who run it, to the people who own it, that unless you're free, the machine will be prevented from working at all." Mario Savio -Sproul Hall Steps, December 2, 1964

Movin on Up to the East side!

So much can change in so little of time. Last week, a friend wanted me to look at the upstairs apartment in their 100 year old house that they wanted me to rent. I took a look at it on Friday afternoon, and was instantly refreshed with the amount of sunlight streaming into the rooms. My basement apartment has very small windows that look out into bushes that block all the sunlight. I walked through it again on Saturday, and was enthralled with the amount of closet space. My current closet is as big as a breadbox.

I have agreed to rent the space, and will move in the first part of November.

The place also doubles as an instant boost to my social life, as my new landlord is the hub for my large circle of friends and we congregate on the porch frequently. I have no fear of being overwhelmed with visitors, as the bedroom is in the back of the house, and with the separate entrance, nobody would come up unless invited.

I’m stoked. This might just be the positive change I need. And it’s in the same neighborhood as I am in now!

I’ve sent an email to my current landlord and will be putting in notice on my current apartment any day now.

Whew! Changes!

 And if that wasn’t enough, I joined the #OccupyTogether  march on Sunday afternoon. It was great to see all walks of life there. Lots of families with young children. There were also many older people lending their voice to the cause. It was very peaceful, and while the local police were lining the path with bicycles and motorcycles ready to quell any disturbance, they also had the slightest smile and head nods towards the marchers that caught their eye. I do believe the police count themselves as part of the 99%. The police are one budget cut away from the unemployment line just like the rest of us.

I started the march with a cup of coffee with the 28 year old hottie. After we marched we had some dinner. I had a great time with her. I tried to gently encourage some more outings together. We shall see what happens.

I need to start packing!

And here is where I would post The Jefferson's Theme Song, but apparently those pesky uptight copyright laws prohibit YouTube posters from having the unauthorized audio.