I had decided to lighten the f@#$ up on my interactions with WWW….with some
interesting results and observations.
Most of our misunderstood situations that make each of us
prickly towards each other seem to start at the end of some of our extremely
long dates. The longer our dates became,
the more comfortable we each started to feel. With that comfort, we divulged a
bit deeper and more intimate revelations about ourselves…. And that is the precise
moment we start to misinterpret each other’s words. We are now trying to take a
deep breath, and ask more specific questions before freaking out. It seems to have worked, and we are realizing
we are WAY more similar than first glance. And most of the things I’ve freaked
out about were complete misunderstandings and we actually agree on the issue.
Those amazing characteristics in WWW that I was originally
drawn to are shining a bit brighter.
All I’m saying is this has some potential and I should
experience this.
We have even talked about making appointments at Planned
Parenthood for the full STD testing…. yeah crazy, right?
I’m really glad I’ve lightened up and started listening and
communicating better with her. I’m sure we will still have some
misunderstandings, but we have established some firm ground on how to talk
about it.
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The house is looking great, and getting closer to the finish
line. There are kitchen cabinets going in upstairs and downstairs. The paint
(No VOC) is on the walls. There is still
concrete to pour outside, but the framing is done. I’m still broke, and the bank had to call last
Friday to let me know there were insufficient funds to cover some of
substantial checks there were being cashed. I transferred more out of my
retirement saving to cover, but even that account is almost empty. You only live once, right?
I’m flip-flopping more than a politician on a late October Surprise afternoon.
WWW and I are back on again, only no physical hanky-panky (for the time being) and more trying to get to know each other. I have never pushed and pulled like this in my life. I’m not sure why this is happening.
WWW and I are sharing a cold. She went to the doctor for a chest x-ray today. I don’t seem to have it as bad as her.
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I’ve been hesitant to disclose too much on this blog about WWW and how we are interacting. The last few weeks I have this nagging fear that “Real Life” is going to stumble across these ramblings and expose these secrets. But that’s just it… these writings aren’t really secrets. I just have this strong wall of boundaries around me and I wouldn’t disclose these writings to my inner circle of people. Granted, there isn’t anything Earth shattering on these pages…..
But there is much more to the story than I’m writing down here.
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As a reader of this blog commented, I just need to relax and flow into it. I'm not asking for her hand in marriage, so I just need to roll with it.
I see my shrink tonight. I will have no problem filling the hour up with my crazy. And I do mean “My Crazy”.
Mika
Sucking too hard on your lollipop, love is gonna get you down
Over some drinks at Happy Hour, I stood my ground and cut off all future physical contact. We will work on a platonic friendship. Neither one of us feels we are done with each other, so we will see what happens.
It was incredibly touching and sweet while it lasted. My boundaries were pushed, and I felt some of my edges….geeze, are they sharp, and I fear that WWW brushed against those sharp edges fairly hard also.
I admit I am a bit conservative, with a touch of a carefully hidden Freak Flag…. while WWW seems to have her Freaky Deaky Flag waving high and proud, with a carefully hidden conservative streak. She is a wonderful and beautiful woman with a huge heart.
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I don’t like this pattern I see myself falling into. Life has become so serious since the death of my wife. Everything must have “meaning”… It’s no wonder that I escape to the dance floor with a big, goofy grin on my face…it’s just a little amount of time when life is light and airy. There are no worries or cares on the dance floor. WWW has told me I have a “Penchant for the Dramatic”… and she is unfortunately correct. I need to figure out how to cut myself some slack, and recognize that my life is good, and that I have goodness to share.
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So where to now? The house is having lots of painting done on the inside, and we are still waiting for better weather to pour the remaining concrete. I won’t be spending much time around the house this week with the paint fumes.
My grandfather’s funeral was Saturday afternoon. Lots of people I didn’t know, and the most un-personal funeral I’ve ever been to. Very Catholic. Very Proper.
The body wasn’t even in the ground two hours when the bickering started over how the estate is being handled.
I even got roped into some discussion with my mother, over her divorce agreement with my father regarding his inheritance. Aaargh. I don’t need to be involved with it, or pick sides. I agreed to help them find a Mediator that could help facilitate another agreement between them.
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WWW and I continue to smash into each other…. A glorious train wreck if there ever was one.
It’s the same old story… and it seems every time we are together she offers up a little bit more information that is hard to swallow all at once. I have to pull my head out of my arse and stop seeing her. It’s no good for me or her. My slightly conservative upbringing will constantly be irritating to her, and her mischievousness in all things will constantly irritate me.
She claims the desire for monogamy, but I swear she flat out asked me who else I would like to date in the community…. What? That’s B.S. in my book.
Perhaps it would be different if this whole poly thing was in the past, and not something that she would “like to explore with me”.
We haven’t even really explored each other’s “stuff” yet! And we haven’t talked about her woo-woo side yet either!
And I’m seeing her tonight for some Happy Hour drinks. I’m a putz and a sucker. I need to stand up and cut this off….I’m being a complete idiot.
Beating my head against the brick wall because it feels good.
I saw WWW last night at Dance, and we had another great talk. Either she is a Master at Deception, or she is being completely honest with me. But how do I know if I am being honest with myself?
So we are going to continue to get to know each other, explore each other’s “baggage and stuff” and see where it goes. And she has said she is breaking off any physical relations she has with any others.
On one hand, she seems to be a woman with much heart to give, but has found herself with people that don’t want to receive it…so she seems to have tried to spread her heart around to get shallow bits from the Poly crowd. When asked specifically about her 2.5 years of “celibacy” with hanky-panky on the side, she is quite sincere in her belief of holding fast in not giving completely of herself to this Poly crowd.
So what the heck am I doing? I have no idea. I am circling the flame, knowing I will get burned, but wanting to feel the heat and see the light.
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Did some Karaoke afterward dance with some other people.
I sang:
I saw the Light- Hank Williams Sr.
Treat Her Like a Lady- Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose
I went to dinner with WWW on Monday night. She is very captivating. I am drawn in with desire and it isn’t physical, it is more than that. I feel an honest tenderness towards her. We both feel this is a situation where we could both delve deeper into each other with connectedness. I really do like her.
I also feel this isn’t good for me. The boundary push is too great. There are also some health issues that I haven’t written about that were of concern for me.
After dinner, I broke things off with her. I should have waited until we were out of the restaurant and walking in the neighborhood. She is such a beautiful soul, it was difficult to forcefully push a wedge between us when there is so much beauty I see inside of her.
The health issue was my tipping point. I haven’t written about it earlier, but I have had more than enough of having a health issue involved with a relationship. While she doesn’t have a life-threatening problem, it would still weigh on my mind of how we would need to limit some physical interactions and being aware of restrictions on certain lifestyle choices.
We quickly and deeply affected each other. I think my tender and serious need for deep connection hit her like a brick wall, shattering some of her reality as much as she shattered mine with her sexual mischievousness and her claims of celibacy.
I honestly hope we can continue a friendship with one another. I just can’t give her my heart, or share her bed.
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The house is starting to come together. There is lots of concrete being poured outside for walkways and patios, effectively diverting water away from the house. We have put drains and ABS pipes under the concrete to move the rain run-off. We have over-engineered everything. Huge over-kill on prevention. But the long-term hands-off permanence of these solutions give me peace of mind.
The basement dry-wall is going up, and both kitchens will be installed soon. I need to get off my rear end and purchase the appliances… washer/dryer, two dishwashers, and a refrigerator.
Saturday we buried some ashes. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I got home by 6:00 PM and went straight to bed, and didn’t wake up until 7:00 AM Sunday morning.
It seemed so final, staring at this giant hunk of granite with my wife’s name on it. There is no comfort in a “hereafter”. There is no comfort from a “higher power”. There is only a very heavy and cold chunk of highly polished granite in my heart.
I hurt.
I can also understand why some widowers go crazy with hedonistic and nihilist thoughts and actions. Why bother trying to live the good life? Screw it, and get as much as you can grab... we’ll all be dead soon enough anyway.
But rational thought slowly takes over. The community comes out to greet me, lift me up….
And life is relentless in its slow march. Persistent. Hopeful with each Spring day.
Ecclesiastes 1:4
One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever.
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My hiking partner and his wife took me up a mountain for Easter Sunday. It was a hard climb. We followed a mountain ridge straight up with very few switchbacks. My body screamed in pain to match my heart.
It was exactly what I needed to do.
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I have plans to meet WWW later this evening. I am breaking things off with her tonight.
Maybe I’m spiraling out of control over the need for touch. To belong. To feel complete.
I’ve been eating too much lately. Granted, it’s been pistachios and mandarin oranges that I’ve been gorging on…. But still….. it’s too much.
I’ve been frantic about getting to some type of dance class almost every day. I went to a contact improv basics class last night and loved it. Heading out to another dance tonight. I’ve invited WWW to the event tonight, she will meet me there. The crazy thing is, I am rather hoping she invites me over to her place after the dance. How crazy is that? So that I can rush around in the morning to shower and gather a death certificate and be at a cemetery an hour’s drive from my house?
Maybe it’s the frantic brain trying to keep me overly busy so I don’t focus on Saturday.
We had a nice gravestone plaque created for my wife. My in-laws, her brother and niece will all be there to see some of the ashes buried. My mother-in-law will be keeping the remaining ashes and urn at her home. It will be good to have some more closure. For all of us.
I have a hike planned on Sunday, skipping dance. WWW likes to hike as well, but I really need to show some restraint and NOT invite her to hike Sunday. This is the first hike of the season, and it would be good for just my regular hiking partner and I to go alone.
My Grandfather's funeral is scheduled for NEXT Saturday.
These posts the last few days don’t even make sense to me.
My 93 year old grandfather died last night. He was a WW2 vet, an actual “Lineman for the County” back in the late 50’s, an industrial installer for Ma Bell working specifically in site specific maintenance on aerospace applications in the 60’s and 70’s ….. today’s equivalent of a Network Administrator.
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I still went to my normal Wednesday night dance last night. It was a great dance. As we were leaving the ballroom, a new male friend gave me a hug and asked how I was. I told him about my wife’s birthday and grandfather’s death. He very beautifully said that getting to know me, he can imagine how wonderful my wife must have been, and that he would have liked to meet her. For some reason, that triggered a huge wave of grief that had been bubbling on the surface all day. In the middle of a crowded room, I exploded with tears. He held space for me. I am grateful for his friendship.
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I had a good, long talk with WWW last night. It seems we both were not communicating well together last weekend, and both of us misunderstood each other.
Without getting into the nitty-gritty details, the group of guys I was told about are EX- boyfriends that she remained friends with, in non-sexual relationships. The guy she had a date with (that she cancelled) this week was somebody she has been seeing for a month or so. When it all comes down to the final answer, she has just been dating people. Dating much like people in the 50’s did. Some teenage groping in the backseat every once in a while, some slow getting to know a few people…normal dating stuff.
I feel I over-reacted to some partial information, and she reacted to me. We both acknowledged we got a little prickly with each other. We plan on some more dates. I would like to further explore how my stuff interacts with her stuff.
Whew! Volatile life! I'm just winging it, and this experiment with WWW may crash and burn, but I owe it to myself to at least try.
Today is my late wife’s birthday. She would have been 44 years old today.
I don’t have much to say about it. The tears are flowing easily. The loss of a deep connection. One-sided now.
I miss her. I miss our connection.
This Saturday, my in-laws and I are spreading some of her ashes at the family cemetery. We have a flat stone plaque that will be near her biological father who also died at a young age from the same disease.
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Tonight at my regular Wednesday night dance, I will be seeing WWW.
It’s rather strange how the last few days have changed my thoughts. I was adamant about not sharing a bed with her when I wrote Monday’s blog post. Today, I feel ambivalent…
My wife and I had such a deep connection; I fear I will never meet another woman with her strength and charisma. So why bother looking? I can remain basically single with WWW and spend the night with her every so often. I could be selfish with my heart. Heck, I could even still date other women, with WWW’s encouragement! I could close my soul, keep this darkness barely held back. I could keep my grief close to the unsteady surface, instead of using it as a rock solid building block of a new life.
I could use WWW as an escape from the real world, and what little tenderness and connection I show her would still be more than most people ever experience.
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Good lord, I sound like an egotistical blow-hard, wallowing in self-righteous pity. This is a disgusting post.
My conservative religious upbringing ran headfirst into a brick wall of polyamory this weekend, and I found out too late to serve to miss it.
WWW and I went to a fun house party together on Saturday night. We ended up going back to her place for some innocent hanky-panky. Light-weight and non-committal fun is what I was seeking, right?
I stayed the night. Nothing too crazy happened. We woke up and acted like a couple of teenagers again and then started talking about some deeper topics.
It seems her light-heartedness towards physical relationships is just a bit too light-hearted for me. She had previously claimed 2.5 years of celibacy. Well, it all boiled down to what your definition of “is” is.
It appears she has more current lovers than I care to count. She just stops short of coitus with her partners, so she claims celibacy. Call me prude, but I call B.S.
I was faced with being asked to accept a rotating cast of characters that share her bed, and to be friendly with the other people…. I know I wanted to push boundaries and be lighter with my dating situation, but that is too much for me to handle.
She claims she has been taking a look at monogamy, and might want it in her future. But her current actions detail a very different story. She told me she has a “booty call” date this week with one of her lovers. I’m fine with that. She is a wonderful woman that chooses her own life. I also can choose how I interact with her with this new information. I will not be sharing a bed with her again, no matter how relatively innocent this past weekend was.
She texted me late last night informing me she cancelled her “date” this week with one of the guys so she can have a clear head before moving forward with any decisions she might want to make regarding entering into any type of dating situation with me. I’ve already made my decision.
I feel used. I feel taken advantage of. I feel emotions played with. I feel deceived.
Yes, she was almost completely up-front about her actions if I asked the right questions. But it was only after we had a physical encounter and I asked more questions to clarify, that she offered up the whole scenario.
But I’m done. I will of course remain extremely pleasant and friendly towards WWW. The characteristics that I found so attractive in her are still there, but I don’t need to share a bed with her to experience those characteristics.
On the bright and positive side. I can now honestly claim another known fact about myself and where my comfortable boundary is on this issue. And for that, the weekend was a perfect lesson on getting to know me.
On Friday night, I went to see the movie “Pina” with Superbowl woman. The more time I spend with her, the more I realize it is just a physical attraction, and her personality and mine would not be compatible in a more intimate setting. She is an awesome friend though. And I intend to strengthen that friendship.
On Friday I ended up spending about 7 hours with Woo Woo Woman (WWW?). About 5 hours of that was full of deep conversation. I really liked it. Although she may be more subdued than the women I am usually attracted to (with disastrous results) we are very evenly matched. Our relationship lifestyles are quite different though………….I have a rather puritanical view of sexuality and monogamous relationships, while she is a lot more fluid without as many rules. In many respects, I admire this attitude.
Regardless, it was a great talk, and then we met some of my friends for karaoke. The friends were actually Superbowl woman and her ex-boyfriend who is moving back into town. I had never sung in front of these friends before, and I think they were pleasantly surprised. They are both accomplished musicians.
At the end of the night, I dropped WWW off at her place with a few tender kisses good night. We planned to meet Sunday morning at our regular dance. It was quite nice bouncing around the room, meeting friends, and sweating out the whiskey of the karaoke night. WWW and I kept moving back and forth into dances with each other and at towards the end of the dance, we did some contact improv that ended up with us rolling around on the floor. The first time we have done that, actually. The most full contact our bodies have experienced together. It was nice.
Afterward, she invited me out for Dim Sum with some of the her friends . Including one gentleman that is her Ex…or current…. I’m not exactly clear on that. I will need to ask her more about that. I do know that he is married in an open relationship, so his wife is aware of WWW. With my more puritan view on this sort of thing….I just don’t know if this is the sort of “Boundary Pushing Experiences” that I am looking for.
It was interesting to meet this guy though. He is quite the opposite from me. Tall, testosterone filled, muscled, loud and assertive, slightly overbearing… A regular dude’s dude. Nice enough guy, certainly good looking, but I wouldn’t share a beer with him.
After the Dim Sum, they all made plans to go soak in a hot tub and asked me to join. I didn’t have any plans for the afternoon, but declined anyway. Not that I can’t get into a hot tub naked with people, I’m usually very ok with that. It just seemed like I was being vetted by the lunch group. And while I am usually comfortable being naked, I wouldn’t be comfortable with WWW. For some strange reason, if we are to enter into some type of physical relationship, I'd rather approach our bodies alone first.
Like I said, I admire some of this open attitude towards intimate relationships. It’s a little bit like non-monogamous dating. But there seems to be some intimate mischievousness that I may not be ok with. On the other hand, perhaps it is exactly what I need to experience to change my view of relationships from being a devoted husband to light-hearted dating. After all, some people view serial monogamy as not a healthy thing, referring to it as Male Compromise Theory.
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And on the house front, I have a friend coming over tonight to check out my water run-off problem. She is an expert on ground water management.
The date with Woo Woo Woman (I dislike this nickname for her) was pleasant. She is lots of fun, but perhaps a little too subdued for me. We talked a little about the Briggs-Myers Personality Test
The last time I took the test I was an ISFP. I just took the test linked above and came out as INTP, go figure.
I don’t put too much faith in these tests, especially the ones with so few questions. I took a 500 question Myers-Briggs test once. Ugh, that thing was excruciating. I think I was an ISFP on that one too.
We might do something together this Saturday. There is a Japanese themed dinner party I may try to drag her to. Although I'm not sure what type of Japanese food I would bring to the potluck. Maybe some seaweed salad. I love that stuff.
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I have a date tonight with SuperBowl Woman. Not really a date, but a get-together. We are either going to see the movie Pina or meet up with some other people for some late night dancing to 80’s music. Should be fun either way.
I went on a buying spree for building materials last night. Gathered up enough materials to generate a bill that equals three and one-half months’ worth of take home pay. I was nauseous as we went over the list. The funny thing is, we didn’t end up buying any of it. My General Contractor didn’t get the price break he wanted, so we walked out of the store. Apparently these stores will wheel and deal a lot more with the contractors. But we did get a full list of items we need, and I got a taste of what it will really cost when we pull the trigger on buying all of it. The list didn’t include any appliances, and I am going to order kitchen cabinets today that will cost about 1.5 months’ worth of salary. Wow. Nice cabinets though!
I’ve gotten past the point of freaking out about the cost. I will be (already am) broke, but I won’t need to do anything more to the house except general upkeep. I’m also splurging on the initially expensive high-efficiency LED lighting so my utility cost should stay fairly low. I still think I’ve done the right decision on the house.
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I wasn’t able to make it to my regular Wednesday night dance class last night, and I really missed it. They have Ecstatic Dance in most major cities in North America. Sometimes it is called Soul Motion Dance. Usually the dances are held in yoga studios as they have nice open floors and usually a sound system. I’ve often thought how much fun it would be to travel the countryside in an RV and rent space in dance studios, grange halls, or old ballrooms to hold a dance in some small town. All it takes is 5-6 people, a decent speaker system, and my laptop pre-loaded with the music. I could easily imagine a modest cover charge that would pay the space rental cost. It would have to be pretty small towns though. A quick Google search for “ecstatic dance”, “soul motion” or “5rhythms” will probably bring up something near you.
What I find interesting about these dances, is the kind of people that go to them. I have met doctors and construction workers. I have met a nationally ranked Mixed Martial Arts Fighter. I met an older man with crippled legs that danced on crutches. I’ve met young families with small children that run around interacting with everyone. And you know something? It is also interesting in who I Don’t meet at these events. There seems to be a self-regulating process that weeds out the people that don’t have good intentions at the dance. These people may come once, but they seldom come back until they are ready to interact with the other dancers with respect. I find it amazing.
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I have another date with The Woo Woo woman tonight. I seem to be drawn towards her quietness. It’s different than the quietness of Blind Date woman.
I also don’t think Woo Woo is actually looking for “a relationship” in the standard sense. I get the impression she would like to hang out with me, but she would also want the freedom and space to hang out with whomever she pleases. This might be another good transition for me.
Last night, I went out for dinner with the woman that asked me out last weekend. We have many mutual friends, so it was a nice and easy conversation. We had a great time, checked each other out, and went on our separate ways. A nice friend connection was made, and the next time we see each other at dance or parties, the hug hello will be a bit warmer.
I need to make more connections like that. No romantic connection needed, but the experience of sharing and getting to know someone with comfortable ease.
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On the house front, the carport has been removed, the basement floor has been jackhammered open to expose sewer piping, and everything is partially done, but nothing is near completion. The crew was really fast and good at the demolition, but things have slowed way down with putting the house back together. I know this is normal, but still a bit unnerving to me.
The time is near to find some kitchen cabinet styles I like, and also pick out some paint colors for the exterior.
For the exterior paint, I’m thinking of a dusty sage green with warm white trim. Classic look with just a bit of flair. The kitchen cabinets are giving me a headache. I have no idea what to get for this very small 1920’s home. I’m going to IKEA on Sunday for some style inspiration.
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First things first though, it’s the weekend and time to have fun. Heading out for some karaoke tonight with a really groovy friend that I don’t get to see that often. We have never done karaoke together before, so it will be fun to experience her music choices.
Saturday I am helping some musician friends pack up their gear for an afternoon gathering. It’s some type of tree planting event so there should be lots of fun to be had. I suppose I should read up about the event so I know what to expect. I’m just there to help the band set up and tear down.
I’m starting to feel better about the house remodel.
We are replacing all of the gray water drainage pipes in the house. The existing pipes were almost plugged with disgusting sludge because the pipes were installed without enough slope to let liquid drain properly. The basement walls have one coat of DryLok paint on them, and soon will have another. We see that water is still leaking into the basement though. We need to concentrate on the outside ground before we frame anything in the basement.
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I have a date on Thursday. A woman that I dance with came up to me the other day and asked me for a date. I said yes, and we will have a nice meal at one of my favorite Vietnamese restaurants that serves traditional “street vendor style” food. I have met this woman once before, at a friend’s birthday party. She actually has been around my new circle of friends for a very long time, and I have just never connected with her at any of the large gatherings.
She might be a bit woo woo for me, but a friendly date that could turn into a nice friendship is not unwelcome.
My new goal for myself though, is to go on a date with someone that I have approached, not with someone that has approached me, or a blind date. The few women I have been on dates with since my wife died have all approached me in some form or another. I really feel that ecstatic dance, and the contact improvisation dance jam, is helping me get the self-esteem and self-worth to encourage myself to be bold.
There is a woman at the contact improv that I would like to ask out on a date. I found out she has a child, so I automatically wanted to remove her from the dating pool. That’s just another excuse I can tell myself instead of gathering the courage to ask her out. It’s just a date, not a wedding proposal.
You Can Dance... For Inspiration - first line from Madonna's song "Into the Groove"
And I finally have heat in the new house. The hot water heater heats up to about 150 degrees for the heating coils, and then the hot water is tempered down to a cooler temperature before it reaches the shower or sinks.
Once the entire inside work is done, I will have all of the duct work cleaned. It should cost between $400 -$600 for a certified NADCA (National Air Duct Cleaners Association) job. There are giant wads of dog hair in the vents and duct work.
I took some good advice, and moved some kitchen stuff and books into the house. It felt non-threatening and ok!
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Met two of the neighbors, and got the low-down on the mold. Seems the upstairs kitchen sink leaked for months at a time and soaked the basement wall on the south side of the building. The sink no longer leaks and I will keep an eye on it.
The outside ground on the south side of the building slopes toward the house. A nice French Drain would work wonders in moving water away from the house during the rainy season.
The neighbor gave me a printout of a mold inspector and a DVD. The DVD didn’t have any pictures of mold, but it did have a very nice video of a sewer drain inspection from 2007. It looked great! The mold report listed some high indoor air particles… but I am still convinced that with proper water control, humidity monitoring, and general cleaning (I just found old mouse droppings in a cabinet dead space) I won’t have any problems. I might not move myself into the basement right away, but I don’t expect any difficulties once I do.
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Went out to dinner with Super Bowl Woman, and re-established some boundaries. We spent most of the dinner talking about website dating. It was quite fun, and I think we are building our existing friendship to a stronger place. We will definitely hang out again. And I also confirmed for myself that her intensity, while great for a friendship, would be a challenge for me.
But let’s face it. Half my problem is I’m just plain old horny. The great thing about that is Ecstatic Dance and Massage can at least give me Touch from another person. Sometimes we just need a hug.
Norman Cook, aka FatBoy Slim, FreakPower, Beats International, The Housemartins,Brighton Port Authority
Ecstatic Dance is more than just a physical exercise for me.
It is encouraging me to interact with people I normally would not interact with. Pushing my boundaries of acceptable closeness with people of all ages and differences. I find myself dancing sensuously with older women , aggressively with younger men , and playful joy with everyone in between.
Building a quiet self-esteem in my body, in my desirability towards others, giving me confidence to open up at the end of the dance and let my voice be heard by others. At 44 years old, I feel like I am just now beginning to learn how to communicate.
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I have a friend coming to look at the house today as a possible short term renter.
Going against some good advice, I am having dinner with Super Bowl woman on Sunday.
I would just like to acknowledge my attraction to her, and also keep up that boundary and not try to move anything forward more than good friends. I think we both realize we are too different for each other. She has a very strong intensity that is very desirable, yet I know that intensity doesn’t work well with me. And from a previous discussion with her, she is not one to be a friend with benefits…and I really don’t think I could be one of those either.
I have a reluctance to move any items into the new house. What is my hesitation?
The new path. The shift. The physical act of moving further away from my wife’s death. Acknowledging I have a new life. The unrealistic but very real guilt I feel at having this new life. How dare I enjoy this life. How dare I actually admit I feel like I am a better person since she died. All foolishness, I know.
Before my wife died, we talked about her expectations for my life after she was gone. She wants me to remarry. I have permission to be happy. I just need to accept it.
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It was a weekend full of parties. Literally.
On Friday I had dinner with my mentor and with a beautiful and amazing woman who was also a complete train wreck. A very successful business owner that divulged a large amount of very horrific personal information. The three of us had a great dinner, and I was both enthralled with this woman and reluctant to spend any more time with her. In my younger years, I would have pursued her with wild abandon with disastrous results. At the end of the night, she said something that really touched me. She said she felt comfortable about sharing her story with me. She said I had a gentle and un-judging nature, She had assumed I was a counselor or therapist… a colleague of my mentor. She invited us to a “Burning Man” type of party for Saturday night, with a theme of “glitter and sparkles”.
Saturday morning found myself up early to hit a couple of second hand clothing thrift stores for some glittery clothing. I found a black sequined blouse that looked vaguely masculine, so I ripped the shoulder pads out, threw on some shiny black tights and some short black athletic shorts and I was set.
Went to lunch with my father, and showed him the new house. He really liked it.
The first party of the night was a 41st birthday party for a friend early Saturday evening. Another small business owner that I have gone out on a date with a few times. I’ve known her for about 3 years. I would like to spend more time with her, but she has put some clear boundaries between us for dating. She has made it clear we can be wonderful friends, but that is it. But I constantly seem to be getting mixed messages from her.
I left her birthday party and made my way across town to the “Burner” gathering. These are a fun and crazy bunch. Very artistic and colorful. Not really my scene, but fun every once in a while. Saw the beautiful train wreck woman that had invited us, and once again, she thanked me for being open to her story and reiterated that she thought I would be a great counselor or “Life Coach”.
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Sunday morning found me with a hangover, but I still got myself up to sweat it out at Ecstatic Dance. The theme for the dance was “Happy” and it was a very happy dance right up until the end. As a tribute, they played Etta James’ At Last. This song was played at our wedding (along with millions of others weddings) and I immediately left the dance floor with tears streaming down my face. I gave myself a few moments, wiped my eyes, and slowly walked back into the room and closed my eyes and gently moved back and forth to the song. The darkness moving through me. Quickly dissipating.
And then the Superbowl party! The birthday girl from the previous night was there. We are very touchy feely. She will initiate contact with a hand on my back, of a pull of my hand in hers. Quite conflicting information for me. After the game ends, and after she had a few Adult Beverages, she exclaims to me in front of a few close friends of ours, that “everyone thinks we should be together” and that she should be “open to a relationship with me”.
I was a bit taken aback with this publicly made statement, and we casually made our way to a more private area to talk. We didn’t resolve much, but we did agree to get together again (without Adult Beverages).
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Am I keeping myself this busy so I don’t have time to think about moving into the new house? Probably.
I took a friend to the Ukulele band on Friday night. It was a really wonderful time, as the opening band was a great County Western Swing band, in the style of Bob Wills. Damn, but that kinds of music is just plain good.
The friend I took is the owner of a vintage clothing store and I’ve known him since my late teens. We are very close. Since he owns a vintage clothing store, he is always impeccably dressed. I look like a shlumpadink standing next to him. He is also my “Foodie” friend that likes upscale eateries for pre-function meals and drinks. He is also gay.
So our friendly close demeanor at nice restaurants and gatherings guarantees we get a second glance, followed by a knowing wink. We recognize the dilemma, and laugh about it, jokingly saying “Neither of us is going to get any, at this rate”.
But the Ukulele band was awesome, and watching the swing dancers was a treat. It would be fun to take a class to learn.
No phone numbers were gotten, and the one woman I talked to was more interested in my friend, as she was wearing a 1940's day dress with matching bakelite accessories.
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I went to an amazing 40th birthday party on Saturday night. The birthday boy invited people to “do their thing” for about 10 minutes on stage. There was a little bit of everything. Some guitar players/singers, some poetry, a few amazing acrobatic couples yoga, including this tree trunk (I mean “this guy”) that stood with five (yes, 5) people standing and hanging off of him. There was a beautiful African instrument that I can’t remember the name of, but it was like a small finger harp inside the biggest gourd I’ve ever seen. There was even a tap dancing troupe!
I only knew a small handful of people there, but the crowd was quite nice. The birthday boy runs in a younger crowd, so most of the people were about 30. I tried to keep myself open, and not have my wall automatically come up. I talked with a bunch of folks, but no real connection was made with anyone. I don’t think I was “hip” enough for the crowd since I didn’t perform anything.
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Ecstatic Dance on Sunday morning was darn near incredible. Maybe it was the prompting of the party the night before, or maybe the new house is giving me some roots to stand up taller…… Whatever was going on, it felt great. I was bouncing around giving hugs to people I barely know, and I felt like I really belonged in the space. I was even invited out to lunch afterwards with a group of people. It was fun socializing with these new friends. Now if I can only remember their names.
