Just remember that death is not the end

Saturday we buried some ashes. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I got home by 6:00 PM and went straight to bed, and didn’t wake up until 7:00 AM Sunday morning.

It seemed so final, staring at this giant hunk of granite with my wife’s name on it. There is no comfort in a “hereafter”.  There is no comfort from a “higher power”.  There is only a very heavy and cold chunk of highly polished granite in my heart.

I hurt.

I can also understand why some widowers go crazy with hedonistic and nihilist thoughts and actions. Why bother trying to live the good life? Screw it, and get as much as you can grab... we’ll all be dead soon enough anyway.

But rational thought slowly takes over. The community comes out to greet me, lift me up….

And life is relentless in its slow march. Persistent. Hopeful with each Spring day.

Ecclesiastes 1:4

One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever.

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My hiking partner and his wife took me up a mountain for Easter Sunday. It was a hard climb. We followed a mountain ridge straight up with very few switchbacks. My body screamed in pain to match my heart.

It was exactly what I needed to do.

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I have plans to meet WWW later this evening. I am breaking things off with her tonight.

Spiraling towards burying ashes

Maybe I’m spiraling out of control over the need for touch. To belong. To feel complete.

I’ve been eating too much lately. Granted, it’s been pistachios and mandarin oranges that I’ve been gorging on…. But still….. it’s too much.

I’ve been frantic about getting to some type of dance class almost every day. I went to a contact improv basics class last night and loved it. Heading out to another dance tonight.  I’ve invited WWW to the event tonight, she will meet me there. The crazy thing is, I am rather hoping she invites me over to her place after the dance. How crazy is that? So that I can rush around in the morning to shower and gather a death certificate and be at a cemetery an hour’s drive from my house?

Maybe it’s the frantic brain trying to keep me overly busy so I don’t focus on Saturday.

We had a nice gravestone plaque created for my wife. My in-laws, her brother and niece will all be there to see some of the ashes buried. My mother-in-law will be keeping the remaining ashes and urn at her home. It will be good to have some more closure. For all of us.

I have a hike planned on Sunday, skipping dance. WWW likes to hike as well, but I really need to show some restraint and NOT invite her to hike Sunday. This is the first hike of the season, and it would be good for just my regular hiking partner and I to go alone.

My Grandfather's funeral is scheduled for NEXT Saturday. 

These posts the last few days don’t even make sense to me.

What do you do?

I went to B.D.’s party last night. It was a bit overwhelming and definitely not the kind of crowd I normally move in. There were fancy haircuts, fancy shoes, and plenty of turned up noses. If I had to guess what most of the attendee’s favorite pastime was, I would guess “making more money”.

B.D. is comfortable in this crowd. I am not. I made the most of it, and tried to be engaging and talkative. Didn’t work out so much. I was pretty darn quiet. Especially when the first question on people’s lips is “what do you do?”. 

 

Hrmm…. What do I do?

And of course my over-active mind didn’t hear the question of “What do you do so you can eat”, but rather, “What do you do to make you, you?”

Great question. Difficult answer.

What is it that I do, that makes me, me? Sure, I do yoga, hike, karaoke, hippie dance church…..but what else? What do I do to nurture my soul? I’ve done more gentle holding of my soul than nurturing the last 3 years.  What do I do? I see a shrink every week. I used to see a hospice grief support group twice a month. I go to a young widows and widowers support dinner once a month.   

Is that who I am? When my wife was alive, it never seemed to be a question that needed answered. I was Husband, Best Friend, Confidant, Lover. Part of a Team. There was no need to ask “what do you do?”

The question of “Who Am I Now?”  is so very difficult for me to answer.

What makes you, you?

Life can move forward

Hiking both Saturday and Sunday was great. A little sore this Monday morning, but gorging myself on huckleberries on the side of a mountain was well worth it. Even dipped my feet into a beautiful alpine lake for a few minutes. Bliss.

Previously I mentioned looking for a house that I could plunk all of my retirement savings into and possibly not have a mortgage. With the current interest rates, I am rethinking that plan. I can’t stand the thought of paying the bank all that extra money for the interest, but if I am able to have roommates help pay for it for a few years, maybe it would be better not to spend the retirement funds. Again, playing it safe…the recurring theme in my life.

There has been no word yet on the house that I put the back-up offer on last week. The more I think about this home, the more I can see myself in it. There will always be other houses with just as good or better layouts, but this is the first one I have really been jazzed about. I’m 95% sure the first offer will close with no problems, and I will continue my search. I will know for sure this Friday.

Hiking with the Boogie Fever

A full weekend planned. Hiking with a new partner tomorrow (Saturday), someone I’ve known for a few years, but have never hiked with. He is a bit of an outdoorsman, so it will be interesting to see if I can keep up. Another hike is tentatively scheduled for Sunday with my regular hiking partner.

I will be skipping my standard Sunday morning routine of Ecstatic Dance yet again this month. Yeah, ecstatic dance. I’ll wait here while you google it…. Now don’t laugh. It’s a wonderful way to get the body moving. Nice and sweaty workout with good music and beautiful people. Every walk of life is there, from young families with children, to long-retired elder adults just trying to keep the bones moving. Sure, there are a few dirty-foot hippies, and some hot soccer moms in yoga pants, but most are regular folks just dancing around, trying to feel the groove and maybe burn a few calories while interacting with the community. You should look it up, and see if there is an ecstatic dance community in your town.