Like a moth to a flame.

Like a moth to a flame.

Beating my head against the brick wall because it feels good.

I saw WWW last night at Dance, and we had another great talk. Either she is a Master at Deception, or she is being completely honest with me. But how do I know if I am being honest with myself?

So we are going to continue to get to know each other, explore each other’s “baggage and stuff” and see where it goes. And she has said she is breaking off any physical relations she has with any others.

On one hand, she seems to be a woman with much heart to give, but has found herself with people that don’t want to receive it…so she seems to have tried to spread her heart around to get shallow bits from the Poly crowd.  When asked specifically about her 2.5 years of “celibacy” with hanky-panky on the side, she is quite sincere in her belief of holding fast in not giving completely of herself to this Poly crowd.

So what the heck am I doing? I have no idea. I am circling the flame, knowing I will get burned, but wanting to feel the heat and see the light.

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Did some Karaoke afterward dance with some other people.

I sang:

I saw the Light- Hank Williams Sr.

Treat Her Like a Lady- Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose

Sexx Laws- Beck

Male Compromise Theory on the dance floor

On Friday night, I went to see the movie “Pina” with Superbowl woman. The more time I spend with her, the more I realize it is just a physical attraction, and her personality and mine would not be compatible in a more intimate setting. She is an awesome friend though. And I intend to strengthen that friendship.

On Friday I ended up spending about 7 hours with Woo Woo Woman (WWW?). About 5 hours of that was full of deep conversation. I really liked it. Although she may be more subdued than the women I am usually attracted to (with disastrous results) we are very evenly matched. Our relationship lifestyles are quite different though………….I have a rather puritanical view of sexuality and monogamous relationships, while she is a lot more fluid without as many rules. In many respects, I admire this attitude.

Regardless, it was a great talk, and then we met some of my friends for karaoke. The friends were actually Superbowl woman and her ex-boyfriend who  is moving back into town.  I had never sung in front of these friends before, and I think they were pleasantly surprised. They are both accomplished musicians.

At the end of the night, I dropped WWW off at her place with a few tender kisses good night. We planned to meet Sunday morning at our regular dance. It was quite nice bouncing around the room, meeting friends, and sweating out the whiskey of the karaoke night.  WWW and I kept moving back and forth into dances with each other and at towards the end of the dance, we did some contact improv that ended up with us rolling around on the floor. The first time we have done that, actually. The most full contact our bodies have experienced together. It was nice.

Afterward, she invited me out for Dim Sum  with some of the her friends . Including one gentleman that is her Ex…or current…. I’m not exactly clear on that. I will need to ask her more about that. I do know that he is married in an open relationship, so his wife is aware of WWW.  With my more puritan view on this sort of thing….I just don’t know if this is the sort of “Boundary Pushing Experiences”   that I am looking for.

It was interesting to meet this guy though. He is quite the opposite from me. Tall, testosterone filled, muscled, loud and assertive, slightly overbearing… A regular dude’s dude.  Nice enough guy, certainly good looking, but I wouldn’t share a beer with him.

After the Dim Sum, they all made plans to go soak in a hot tub and asked me to join. I didn’t have any plans for the afternoon, but declined anyway. Not that I can’t get into a hot tub naked with people, I’m usually very ok with that. It just seemed like I was being vetted by the lunch group. And while I am usually comfortable being naked, I wouldn’t be comfortable with WWW. For some strange reason, if we are to enter into some type of physical relationship, I'd rather approach our bodies alone first.

Like I said, I admire some of this open attitude towards intimate relationships. It’s a little bit like non-monogamous dating. But there seems to be some intimate mischievousness that I may not be ok with. On the other hand, perhaps it is exactly what I need to experience to change my view of relationships from being a devoted husband to light-hearted dating. After all, some people view serial monogamy as not a healthy thing, referring to it as Male Compromise Theory.

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And on the house front, I have a friend coming over tonight to check out my water run-off problem. She is an expert on ground water management.

Bite the Bullet with Kitchen Cabinets?

Yup, did some Karaoke on Friday night. Had three shots of Bulleit whiskey, too. Good stuff. 

Maybe that’s the reason for my song choices. Two of my over-sung standards and one cheese-ball tune that my friend wanted me to sing:

Respect- Aretha Franklin

Vehicle- Ides of March

I’m Not in Love- 10cc

The friend I went with chose the 10cc tune. It was quite fun to sing, and those 70’s songwriters really knew how to craft a story. But what a downer song for the crowd. Not exactly the kind of upbeat song most people want to sing at midnight.

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I don’t usually drink that much, and the shots were an extremely generous pour…So I was not at 100% when I reported to duty on Saturday morning. My job was to help transport and set up music equipment, speakers and microphones and such. It was a volunteer gig for a friend’s band. There was a community event to plant trees all over the neighborhood and they volunteers all came back for lunch and live music. It was a fun time.

The pressure of the house is getting to me, so I wanted to move things along. I enlisted the help of my friend with the good fashion sense (of the Vintage Store Owner fame) and we went IKEA to look at their offerings. They have many styles to choose from, and I know for sure a couple of things. The first being….I don’t want IKEA kitchen cabinets.

I also know I do not ever want to eat there again.  I had a spinach and cheese crepe, and for only $1 more I added five meatballs….with gravy!  And some type of lingonberry drink. I was then talked into dessert. Some type of apple pie/cake that wasn’t very tasty.  I was not feeling well the remainder of the day.

I went home and crawled in bed, feeling sorry for myself on this fine mess of a house that I’ve gotten myself into.

I know it will all come together eventually, but I am quickly going broke and there is long way to go, and a short time to get there.

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I skipped my Sunday morning dance so I could have brunch with my hiking partner and his wife. It was a great time, and we had great conversation. I showed them the house and we commiserated on the amount of work that needs to be done as they have just completed a major remodel of their home. I picked her brain on kitchen cabinets, as they had a great remodel. I think the cost would be too much for me though. They spent an extremely large amount of money, but it sure looks nice.

I went back home and crawled in bed again. The house is really getting to me. The work is slowing down this week because my brother has an actual paying commercial job that he started today that his main crew needs to work at.  I am afraid this will drag slowly on for another couple of months.

My mind was racing all evening, and I couldn’t get to sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 2:30 am and I was still wide awake with a screaming brain. My alarm goes off at 5:15.

I’m Not in Love- 10cc

Oblivious to Demolition and Attraction

I need to go on more dates.

Last night, I went out for dinner with the woman that asked me out last weekend. We have many mutual friends, so it was a nice and easy conversation. We had a great time, checked each other out, and went on our separate ways. A nice friend connection was made, and the next time we see each other at dance or parties, the hug hello will be a bit warmer.

I need to make more connections like that. No romantic connection needed, but the experience of sharing and getting to know someone with comfortable ease.

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On the house front, the carport has been removed, the basement floor has been jackhammered open to expose sewer piping, and everything is partially done, but nothing is near completion. The crew was really fast and good at the demolition, but things have slowed way down with putting the house back together. I know this is normal, but still a bit unnerving to me.

The time is near to find some kitchen cabinet styles I like, and also pick out some paint colors for the exterior.

For the exterior paint, I’m thinking of a dusty sage green with warm white trim. Classic look with just a bit of flair.  The kitchen cabinets are giving me a headache. I have no idea what to get for this very small 1920’s home. I’m going to IKEA on Sunday for some style inspiration.

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First things first though, it’s the weekend and time to have fun.  Heading out for some karaoke tonight with a really groovy friend that I don’t get to see that often. We have never done karaoke together before, so it will be fun to experience her music choices.

Saturday I am helping some musician friends pack up their gear for an afternoon gathering. It’s some type of tree planting event so there should be lots of fun to be had. I suppose I should read up about the event so I know what to expect. I’m just there to help the band set up and tear down.

Oblivious- by Aztec Camera

Shine the Spotlight on Me?

Went to a birthday party Saturday night.  They were having a round of performances by the guests. These performances are usually somebody strumming a guitar and singing a song, a poem recital, or a monologue. I’ve never joined in before, as fear and insecurity keep me from standing up in a crowd. Except for karaoke. I can sing the stupidest songs at the drop of a hat… but that is a structured thing. I stand and sing a known song, following a guideline of the bouncing ball on the screen. My attention is not on the audience, but rather the TV monitor.

So the birthday girl wouldn’t take no for an answer, and requested that I do “something”.  There was plenty of time to freak out….I didn’t know most of these people. What the hell was I supposed to do? … I could sing a song!  But what song? And without backup music? Fear set in.

I turned to this blog.

Perhaps this would be the perfect time to lay bare some of my inner thoughts with these people. Most of them don’t know I’m widowed. Maybe that would be a downer for a birthday party if I talked about grief and death.

I finally figured out what I would do, right as they called my name to stand up in front of the crowd.

There were a few monologues already, and they were well received. I decided to just read verbatim my post on My First Horror Movie Experience.

The crowd loved it. I loved it. I found myself filled with intensity as I delivered the lines. It was light-hearted and delivered like a stand-up comedy routine. There was the rush I feel at the karaoke bar, only better, as this was of my own doing. My own thoughts.  My own writing.

The response was overwhelming. Afterwards people were asking if I had actually written it, if it was a true story. One of the people that had delivered a monologue earlier asked me if I normally do that sort of thing, as she was a speaking/debate teacher  and thought I did a great job, saying I was a natural if that really was my first time. Wow! That felt great! Another person asked if I was in local theater! 

I realize they might have just been overly generous with their accolades, but boy-howdy, it was nice.

This is all part of my inner self-work of  SpeakingUp, Being Seen, Being Heard .

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There was also a woman at the birthday party that I had previously met at Ecstatic Dance. Seems she facilitates a dance workshop that involves free-form partner dancing….. Kind of hard to explain, but it is a very physical partner dance where people sort of “roll” over each other, lifting their weight, and just basically interacting with the body of the other person. Think of a close partner interpretive modern dance routine and that is sort of what this woman helps teach.

I have watched people do this dance, and I have tried a bit myself. It is much harder than it looks. I have plans to go for the first time on Tuesday night.

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The young widows and widowers dinner group was Sunday night, and again I felt a disconnect. I started to mini-facilitate with questions and statements bout grief, but quickly stopped and let other people lead the discussion.  The topics quickly gravitated towards the food.

After the dinner, I spent a good 30 minutes in the car of the original organizer. She is ready to give up the group as well. I think it is time for both of us.

What do you do?

I went to B.D.’s party last night. It was a bit overwhelming and definitely not the kind of crowd I normally move in. There were fancy haircuts, fancy shoes, and plenty of turned up noses. If I had to guess what most of the attendee’s favorite pastime was, I would guess “making more money”.

B.D. is comfortable in this crowd. I am not. I made the most of it, and tried to be engaging and talkative. Didn’t work out so much. I was pretty darn quiet. Especially when the first question on people’s lips is “what do you do?”. 

 

Hrmm…. What do I do?

And of course my over-active mind didn’t hear the question of “What do you do so you can eat”, but rather, “What do you do to make you, you?”

Great question. Difficult answer.

What is it that I do, that makes me, me? Sure, I do yoga, hike, karaoke, hippie dance church…..but what else? What do I do to nurture my soul? I’ve done more gentle holding of my soul than nurturing the last 3 years.  What do I do? I see a shrink every week. I used to see a hospice grief support group twice a month. I go to a young widows and widowers support dinner once a month.   

Is that who I am? When my wife was alive, it never seemed to be a question that needed answered. I was Husband, Best Friend, Confidant, Lover. Part of a Team. There was no need to ask “what do you do?”

The question of “Who Am I Now?”  is so very difficult for me to answer.

What makes you, you?

Have you never been mellow?

Well aren’t I a contradiction of intention. Tonight I am going out once again with the Blind Date woman who I previously mentioned held no spark for me.  Seems the more we hang out and she opens up, the more enjoyable her company becomes.

I’ve been very sedate and mellow the last two days for some reason. I have literally made myself some dinner after work and then laid down in bed for the remainder of the night. I’m talking like 6:30 pm I’m in bed. Granted, I’m either reading, or emailing/web browsing on my iPhone, but still, there is no reason for me to be lying in bed for 11 hours a day.  I think it has more to do with the rain and lack of pre-scheduled events more than anything.

I have events scheduled every night until Sunday, so I should feel more productive in the coming days.

The excitement for moving into the new apartment is increasing, and I am anxious to see how this change could be another closure for me after my wife’s death.  This apartment might turn into an actual Bachelor Pad and that would be an extremely positive thing. Maybe the current mellowness is my body gearing up for the frenzy of moving ?

I need to get out and sing some Karaoke. It’s been a couple of months since I last went.

Olivia Newton John sings the original sugary version of Have You Never Been Mellow, but The Feederz do a great punk rock cover. Kenny and Junko are amazing as well, as witnessed in the youtube video above. Yeah, right? This is what they call a "bathroom break song" at the Karaoke Bars.

Upside Down You Turn Me

And the rollercoaster continues. I got a call yesterday late afternoon from my realtor. Apparently the investor that is trying to buy the house I have a backup offer on can’t get his finances together. The seller’s agent contacted my realtor to see if my backup offer still stands.

So what does this mean? The investor has until 5:00 tonight to close up the deal and if he fails, I have first crack purchasing it. I’m trying not to get too excited over it, but I really think it would be a wonderful house. I still need to get some serious professional inspections done on it, including getting a family member who is a General Contractor to take a walk-thru and pick his brain for rough estimates of what needs to be done.

My Brother-In-Law and his partner are coming to town on Saturday. I already had dinner plans with an ex-girlfriend, so we will be double dating for the night. The ex-girlfriend has become a great friend over the years (we dated almost 15 years ago). And no, before your eyebrows raise in question, we both realize we are better off as only good friends.

Ok, I’ve only had like 4 hours of sleep last night, my brain was on overdrive all night over the possibility of the house. I’ll enjoy the Sunday hippy dance and then Band Practice Sunday afternoon! I holler and scream into a microphone every once in a while with a great group of guys. It’s a great excuse to get together in a garage and drink tequila.

Life in the Slow Lane

So the house I had the backup offer on? The seller signed the papers with the first offer. I’m just too slow compared to those full-time investors.

Maybe I really should just buy a small RV without the comfort of a “Home Base.” But I still fret about what to do if I want to settle down after a year or two. Having a house to come back to would be a huge sense of safety. Plus, I have some artwork, and furniture I would like to keep. Not to mention boxes of pictures and papers of my married life. Where would I put those items? I just can’t see spending money on a storage unit.

In other news, I’m finding it difficult to actually post something every weekday on this blog. My life is rather boring, really. And you, gentle reader, do you really want to hear my inner thought processes? How much to tell, how much to hold back?

Maybe I need a stiff drink and some karaoke.

Midnight Karaoke - My Midnight Radio

I put an offer on a house yesterday. It’s an older home that hasn’t been updated in 30 years. Meaning every visible surface needs some type of work. But it’s a nice big house with strong bones. Except for the oil tank. And the rough neighborhood. And the roof.

I’m not holding my breath for it though. There is an investor that already bid cash. It was accepted, so I am in first back-up position. These investors like to come in with a strong offer, and then try to push the already low price down further with demands to the homeowner to pay for needed repairs via renegotiating to a lower offer. So there is a small chance that my offer could still be accepted.

It might be a pretty rough neighborhood, but it is right in walking distance (>1 mile) of 3 different really groovy areas.

It is a good sized lot, with no less than 1 oversized garage and THREE carports, PLUS an RV carport! I can picture the connected 3 carports being used as a “gathering” spot for friends (and the band!); it is shady in the summer, dry in the rain. And it rains a lot in the Pacific Northwest. So plenty of room for roommates, plus a spot to eventually park a small RV (I got my eye on those Sprinter conversions, if I ever win the lottery). And there could even be room for the occasional couchsurfing.com or airbnb.com guest.

So I went out last night with a bunch of friends for karaoke and stayed out way too late. Past midnight! My alarm goes off at 5:15 am so today will be a bit slow. Singing karaoke at midnight is so much fun though! How Can Be?

It was busy with all the folks, but was able to sing:
Runaround Sue - Dion & the Belmonts
Train in Vain - The Clash
I Saw the Light - Hank Williams Sr.
Vehicle - Ides of March

 I Love My Radio (midnight Radio) Taffy

Scattershot

I realize my ramblings are all over the place, with no focus. I rather like it that way.

I see my shrink today, so maybe she can help me bundle up my thoughts and present them in full sentences. I saw my psychiatrist every week for the first two years. Down to about twice a month now. We no longer focus on just my wife and my process of grieving. We now incorporate my whole life experience to allow growth and expansion in all aspects. Dunno if it is actually working, but at least I feel relatively ok about myself now.

The difficulty for me is living in the present tense. I am trying to look to far into the future and plan my life ahead. I need to constantly remind myself of the simple Ram Dass instruction of “remember, be here now”.

Dang it, I need a hobby.

In the meantime, I spent last evening with some friends at a very crowded karaoke bar:

Babe- Styx

Hit the Road Jack- Ray Charles (sang as duet with the lovely and talented MizBy)

Weak foundations won't support strong endeavors

I’m frustrated. My focus has been on finding a home. My “Passion & Purpose” for the time being, until something actually meaningful to me comes along, has been finding a home to center on.

Poking my finger through the crumbling sheet rock of yet another house, my hopes of finding a small and inexpensive home are fading quickly. This last house was extra special. A light tap of my shoe against the foundation wall dropped about 10 pounds of concrete onto the floor. The foundation was disintegrating as fast as the leaking and sagging roof.  And this house supposedly already had half a dozen offers.

I left the house fairly quickly as 2 more realtors showed up with happy clients in tow, eager to join the frenzy.

There is a housing crisis going on across the nation, but here in the Pacific Northwest, the hot location properties are still….well…. hot. It really does boil down to location, location, location.

So I went out with some friends last night for some therapeutic Karaoke instead.

I sang a few times:

I saw the Light – Hank Williams Sr.

Situation - Yaz

On the Darkside –John Cafferty

Everybody wants You- Billy Squire