Monday, April 30, 2012

Brain and Body Waves

So the Friday night hippie naked dance was way more tame and innocent than I had hyped it up to be. Sure, there were a few people that were topless, and even one or two people that were completely naked… but most of us (myself included) had some type of covering over our more sensitive areas. The dance itself was a lot of fun, and truth be told, WWW and I were probably raising just as many eyebrows with our interactions as anyone else.   The dance was mostly people around 55+ years of age, mostly women, and most of the men there were with partners.  The dancers seemed to flow easily around with each other, and since there was no overt touching or staring going on, it was quite innocent.  The scene at any 20something nightclub is much raunchier and sexually suggestive than anything that went on at this dance.

I had volunteered to dog sit WWW’s puppy for the weekend while she was away at a Craniosacral therapy workshop .

It was quite fun until I tried to leave the dog alone while I went out with some friends on Saturday night. I got a call at midnight from my landlord asking me to come home and quiet the dog. Rut-Roh.
WWW came home Sunday night and we had a great late afternoon and late night dinner. She’s quickly endearing herself to me….I’m going to try to relax and flow into it.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Ain't No Boundary High Enough

This weekend may prove to be either wonderful or crazy.

Tonight WWW and I are going to the local clothing thrift store to find  costumes for next weekend’s Beltane party and then we are going to a different sort of “dance” later tonight. WWW says she hasn’t been to one of these dances before.  From my understanding, it is a “clothing optional” sensuality dance. Designed to let the dancer “Awaken passions by allowing sensations and emotions to move through our bodies”. Yeah. Not sure what I am getting myself into, but since I am trying to be lighter with my interaction with WWW, I’m game.  This isn’t something that I would normally do, so bring on the boundary expansion! Just don’t stare, right?

WWW is going away for the weekend Saturday morning, off to some type of woo woo workshop. I volunteered to watch her dog while she is gone. Another boundary push. Saturday  I will take the dog to my grandfather’s house. Apparently my father is already throwing things away, before letting the family go through stuff. I need to stay out of the middle of that mess. Saturday night I am going to hang out with my old crowd, listening to some live music. It will be good to hang out with them, especially since the death of one of our crowd last weekend.

Sunday will find me at Dance, and then WWW will probably wander back to town to pick up her dog and we will perhaps have an early dinner together.

I'm really starting to like the "strangeness" of the events WWW is exposing me to.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Beginnings, Death, and all the trimmings

It feels good, now that I’ve embraced this fledgling relationship with WWW.

I really am going to try to roll with the flow. She’s got this *something* that is irresistible.  Frankly, even with all of her mischievousness, I’m rather surprised she is relatively single. And maybe that’s it… she has placed herself in a mischievous light intimacy world, and her potential for deep connectedness might be un-desirable in that world. And maybe that was my hesitation as well. I could see the potential for greatness and the hardened cold part of my heart was pushing me away with any little excuse it could find.

Hey, I’m still being realistic with all of it. I haven’t fallen head over heels with un-wavering devotion or anything silly like that. We are still learning about each other, and right now we are just learning all of the good parts.

But oh, how she enjoys pushing boundaries for herself and others. And maybe that’s also part of the early hesitation on my part. I’m happy pushing a boundary of my own choosing, but when asked to gently look at a boundary I may not have been aware of, I suddenly dig my heels into the ground and turn into Gilligan from the old TV show …crossing my arms and shouting “You can’t make me, You can’t make me!”


A friend died last Saturday. I don’t know all the details, but I know he was a closet heavy drinker, with more than a few previous unsuccessful suicide attempts over the years. He’d been missing for a few weeks, and another friend found him dead in his house. 
This person was someone I met after my wife died.  He was part of this large community of people that I found myself in.  He was one of the first people to try to get to know me as just me, and not me and my wife.  We would very often find ourselves talking rather closely about personal and heartfelt topics.  I will miss his easy laughter, and will also miss his sharing of the Hot Sauce. He was a great cook, often creating huge feasts for us. We also shared some festivals that had poor to mediocre food that was served…. He always had a bottle of hot sauce in his back pocket for those festivals. He also was a great partner to share in my boundary expanding experience of The Rainbow Family Gathering last year.
I will also miss late night hot tubs soaks with him, talking about each other’s darkness. … I will miss his desire to push his tired and abused body in yoga classes….I will miss him.

I’ve had so much death in my life the last 4 years….. I’ve been to at least 8 funerals in that time. And maybe that’s normal as we get older….but I really need an emotional break from death.


I’m still sick, and finally went to the doctor yesterday. Antibiotics for me, woo hoo!

I’m hoping to start feeling better quickly. I need to take care of some things at the house. Some of the upstairs inside trim/molding had been poorly replaced sometime in the past, and I decided to have it re-done to match the rest of the house. Yes, an extra extravagance that wasn't really needed to be done, but if I am doing all this work, it would be best to replace everything.  I couldn’t  justify installing a few  thousand dollars of kitchen cabinets and not replacing ugly and damaged window trim right next to the fancy new cabinets….. and that is exactly how this whole project keeps spiraling out of control!!!!!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Lighten Up!

I had decided to lighten the f@#$  up on my interactions with WWW….with some interesting results and observations. 

Most of our misunderstood situations that make each of us prickly towards each other seem to start at the end of some of our extremely long dates.  The longer our dates became, the more comfortable we each started to feel. With that comfort, we divulged a bit deeper and more intimate revelations about ourselves…. And that is the precise moment we start to misinterpret each other’s words. We are now trying to take a deep breath, and ask more specific questions before freaking out.  It seems to have worked, and we are realizing we are WAY more similar than first glance. And most of the things I’ve freaked out about were complete misunderstandings and we actually agree on the issue.

Those amazing characteristics in WWW that I was originally drawn to are shining a bit brighter. 

All I’m saying is this has some potential and I should experience this.

We have even talked about making appointments at Planned Parenthood for the full STD testing…. yeah crazy, right?

I’m really glad I’ve lightened up and started listening and communicating better with her. I’m sure we will still have some misunderstandings, but we have established some firm ground on how to talk about it.


The house is looking great, and getting closer to the finish line. There are kitchen cabinets going in upstairs and downstairs. The paint (No VOC) is on the walls.  There is still concrete to pour outside, but the framing is done.  I’m still broke, and the bank had to call last Friday to let me know there were insufficient funds to cover some of substantial checks there were being cashed. I transferred more out of my retirement saving to cover, but even that account is almost empty.  You only live once, right?

Basement Kitchen cabinets going in.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Sucking too hard on a lollipop

I’m flip-flopping more than a politician on a late October Surprise afternoon.

WWW and I are back on again, only no physical hanky-panky (for the time being) and more trying to get to know each other. I have never pushed and pulled like this in my life. I’m not sure why this is happening.

WWW and I are sharing a cold. She went to the doctor for a chest x-ray today. I don’t seem to have it as bad as her.


I’ve been hesitant to disclose too much on this blog about WWW and how we are interacting. The last few weeks I have this nagging fear that “Real Life” is going to stumble across these ramblings and expose these secrets. But that’s just it… these writings aren’t really secrets.  I just have this strong wall of boundaries around me and I wouldn’t disclose these writings to my inner circle of people. Granted, there isn’t anything Earth shattering on these pages…..

But there is much more to the story than I’m writing down here.

As a reader of this blog commented, I just need to relax and flow into it. I'm not asking for her hand in marriage, so I just need to roll with it.

I see my shrink tonight. I will have no problem filling the hour up with my crazy.  And I do mean “My Crazy”.
Sucking too hard on your lollipop, love is gonna get you down

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Principles of Lust

Things are done with WWW.

Over some drinks at Happy Hour, I stood my ground and cut off all future physical contact. We will work on a platonic friendship. Neither one of us feels we are done with each other, so we will see what happens.

It was incredibly touching and sweet while it lasted. My boundaries were pushed, and I felt some of my edges….geeze, are they sharp, and I fear that WWW brushed against those sharp edges fairly hard also.

  I admit I am a bit conservative, with a touch of a carefully hidden Freak Flag…. while WWW seems to have her Freaky Deaky Flag waving high and proud, with a carefully hidden conservative streak. She is a wonderful and beautiful woman with a huge heart.

I don’t like this pattern I see myself falling into.  Life has become so serious since the death of my wife. Everything must have “meaning”…  It’s no wonder that I escape to the dance floor with a big, goofy grin on my face…it’s just a little amount of time when life is light and airy. There are no worries or cares on the dance floor. WWW has told me I have a “Penchant for the Dramatic”… and she is unfortunately correct. I need to figure out how to cut myself some slack, and recognize that my life is good, and that I have goodness to share.

So where to now?  The house is having lots of painting done on the inside, and we are still waiting for better weather to pour the remaining concrete.  I won’t be spending much time around the house this week with the paint fumes. 

Principles of Lust: Sadeness/Find Love/Sadeness 

Monday, April 16, 2012

A Glorious Train Wreck

My grandfather’s funeral was Saturday afternoon. Lots of people I didn’t know, and the most un-personal funeral I’ve ever been to. Very Catholic. Very Proper.

The body wasn’t even in the ground two hours when the bickering started over how the estate is being handled.

I even got roped into some discussion with my mother, over her divorce agreement with my father regarding his inheritance. Aaargh. I don’t need to be involved with it, or pick sides.  I agreed to help them find a Mediator that could help facilitate another agreement between them.


WWW and I continue to smash into each other…. A glorious train wreck if there ever was one.

It’s the same old story… and it seems every time we are together she offers up a little bit more information that is hard to swallow all at once. I have to pull my head out of my arse and stop seeing her. It’s no good for me or her. My slightly conservative upbringing will constantly be irritating to her, and her mischievousness in all things will constantly irritate me.

She claims the desire for monogamy, but I swear she flat out asked me who else I would like to date in the community…. What? That’s B.S. in my book.

Perhaps it would be different if this whole poly thing was in the past, and not something that she would “like to explore with me”. 

We haven’t even really explored each other’s “stuff” yet!  And we haven’t talked about her woo-woo side yet either!

And I’m seeing her tonight for some Happy Hour drinks. I’m a putz and a sucker. I need to stand up and cut this off….I’m being a complete idiot.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Like a moth to a flame.

Like a moth to a flame.

Beating my head against the brick wall because it feels good.

I saw WWW last night at Dance, and we had another great talk. Either she is a Master at Deception, or she is being completely honest with me. But how do I know if I am being honest with myself?

So we are going to continue to get to know each other, explore each other’s “baggage and stuff” and see where it goes. And she has said she is breaking off any physical relations she has with any others.

On one hand, she seems to be a woman with much heart to give, but has found herself with people that don’t want to receive it…so she seems to have tried to spread her heart around to get shallow bits from the Poly crowd.  When asked specifically about her 2.5 years of “celibacy” with hanky-panky on the side, she is quite sincere in her belief of holding fast in not giving completely of herself to this Poly crowd.

So what the heck am I doing? I have no idea. I am circling the flame, knowing I will get burned, but wanting to feel the heat and see the light.


Did some Karaoke afterward dance with some other people.

I sang:

I saw the Light- Hank Williams Sr.

Treat Her Like a Lady- Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose

Sexx Laws- Beck

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye to this Tainted Love

I went to dinner with WWW on Monday night. She is very captivating. I am drawn in with desire and it isn’t physical, it is more than that. I feel an honest tenderness towards her. We both feel this is a situation where we could both delve deeper into each other with connectedness. I really do like her.

I also feel this isn’t good for me. The boundary push is too great.  There are also some health issues that I haven’t written about that were of concern for me.

After dinner, I broke things off with her. I should have waited until we were out of the restaurant and walking in the neighborhood. She is such a beautiful soul, it was difficult to forcefully push a wedge between us when there is so much beauty I see inside of her.

The health issue was my tipping point. I haven’t written about it earlier, but I have had more than enough of having a health issue involved with a relationship. While she doesn’t have a life-threatening problem, it would still weigh on my mind of how we would need to limit some physical interactions and being aware of restrictions on certain lifestyle choices.

We quickly and deeply affected each other. I think my tender and serious need for deep connection hit her like a brick wall, shattering some of her reality as much as she shattered mine with her sexual mischievousness and her claims of celibacy. 

I honestly hope we can continue a friendship with one another. I just can’t give her my heart, or share her bed.

The house is starting to come together. There is lots of concrete being poured outside for walkways and patios, effectively diverting water away from the house. We have put drains and ABS pipes under the concrete to move the rain run-off.  We have over-engineered everything. Huge over-kill on prevention. But the long-term hands-off permanence of these solutions give me peace of mind.

The basement dry-wall is going up, and both kitchens will be installed soon. I need to get off my rear end and purchase the appliances… washer/dryer, two dishwashers, and a refrigerator. 

Soft Cell- Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret
Say Hello, Wave Goodbye to this Tainted Love

Monday, April 9, 2012

Just remember that death is not the end

Saturday we buried some ashes. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I got home by 6:00 PM and went straight to bed, and didn’t wake up until 7:00 AM Sunday morning.

It seemed so final, staring at this giant hunk of granite with my wife’s name on it. There is no comfort in a “hereafter”.  There is no comfort from a “higher power”.  There is only a very heavy and cold chunk of highly polished granite in my heart.

I hurt.

I can also understand why some widowers go crazy with hedonistic and nihilist thoughts and actions. Why bother trying to live the good life? Screw it, and get as much as you can grab... we’ll all be dead soon enough anyway.

But rational thought slowly takes over. The community comes out to greet me, lift me up….

And life is relentless in its slow march. Persistent. Hopeful with each Spring day.

Ecclesiastes 1:4
One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever.

My hiking partner and his wife took me up a mountain for Easter Sunday. It was a hard climb. We followed a mountain ridge straight up with very few switchbacks. My body screamed in pain to match my heart.

It was exactly what I needed to do.
I have plans to meet WWW later this evening. I am breaking things off with her tonight.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Spiraling towards burying ashes

Maybe I’m spiraling out of control over the need for touch. To belong. To feel complete.

I’ve been eating too much lately. Granted, it’s been pistachios and mandarin oranges that I’ve been gorging on…. But still….. it’s too much.

I’ve been frantic about getting to some type of dance class almost every day. I went to a contact improv basics class last night and loved it. Heading out to another dance tonight.  I’ve invited WWW to the event tonight, she will meet me there. The crazy thing is, I am rather hoping she invites me over to her place after the dance. How crazy is that? So that I can rush around in the morning to shower and gather a death certificate and be at a cemetery an hour’s drive from my house?

Maybe it’s the frantic brain trying to keep me overly busy so I don’t focus on Saturday.

We had a nice gravestone plaque created for my wife. My in-laws, her brother and niece will all be there to see some of the ashes buried. My mother-in-law will be keeping the remaining ashes and urn at her home. It will be good to have some more closure. For all of us.

I have a hike planned on Sunday, skipping dance. WWW likes to hike as well, but I really need to show some restraint and NOT invite her to hike Sunday. This is the first hike of the season, and it would be good for just my regular hiking partner and I to go alone.

My Grandfather's funeral is scheduled for NEXT Saturday. 

These posts the last few days don’t even make sense to me.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Grandpa, Death, Life, New

This month has been rather insane.

My 93 year old grandfather died last night. He was a WW2 vet, an actual “Lineman for the County” back in the late 50’s, an industrial installer for Ma Bell working specifically in site specific maintenance on aerospace applications in the 60’s and 70’s ….. today’s equivalent of a Network Administrator.

I still went to my normal Wednesday night dance last night. It was a great dance. As we were leaving the ballroom, a new male friend gave me a hug and asked how I was. I told him about my wife’s birthday and grandfather’s death. He very beautifully said that getting to know me, he can imagine how wonderful my wife must have been, and that he would have liked to meet her. For some reason, that triggered a huge wave of grief that had been bubbling on the surface all day. In the middle of a crowded room, I exploded with tears. He held space for me. I am grateful for his friendship.


I had a good, long talk with WWW last night.  It seems we both were not communicating well together last weekend, and both of us misunderstood each other.

Without getting into the nitty-gritty details, the group of guys I was told about are EX- boyfriends that she remained friends with, in non-sexual relationships. The guy she had a date with (that she cancelled) this week was somebody she has been seeing for a month or so.  When it all comes down to the final answer, she has just been dating people. Dating much like people in the 50’s did. Some teenage groping in the backseat every once in a while, some slow getting to know a few people…normal dating stuff.

I feel I over-reacted to some partial information, and she reacted to me. We both acknowledged we got a little prickly with each other.   We plan on some more dates. I would like to further explore how my stuff interacts with her stuff.

Whew! Volatile life! I'm just winging it, and this experiment with WWW may crash and burn, but I owe it to myself to at least try.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Today is my late wife’s birthday.

Today is my late wife’s birthday. She would have been 44 years old today.

I don’t have much to say about it. The tears are flowing easily. The loss of a deep connection. One-sided now.

I miss her. I miss our connection.

This Saturday, my in-laws and I are spreading some of her ashes at the family cemetery. We have a flat stone plaque that will be near her biological father who also died at a young age from the same disease.


Tonight at my regular Wednesday night dance, I will be seeing WWW.

It’s rather strange how the last few days have changed my thoughts. I was adamant about not sharing a bed with her when I wrote Monday’s blog post.  Today, I feel ambivalent…

My wife and I had such a deep connection; I fear I will never meet another woman with her strength and charisma. So why bother looking? I can remain basically single with WWW and spend the night with her every so often. I could be selfish with my heart. Heck, I could even still date other women, with WWW’s encouragement!  I could close my soul, keep this darkness barely held back. I could keep my grief close to the unsteady surface, instead of using it as a rock solid building block of a new life.

I could use WWW as an escape from the real world, and what little tenderness and connection I show her would still be more than most people ever experience.


Good lord, I sound like an egotistical blow-hard, wallowing in self-righteous pity. This is a disgusting post.

Monday, April 2, 2012

What Time is it? It's Poly Time!

My conservative religious upbringing ran headfirst into a brick wall of polyamory this weekend, and I found out too late to serve to miss it.

WWW and I went to a fun house party together on Saturday night. We ended up going back to her place for some innocent hanky-panky.  Light-weight and non-committal fun is what I was seeking, right?

I stayed the night. Nothing too crazy happened. We woke up and acted like a couple of teenagers again and then started talking about some deeper topics.

It seems her light-heartedness towards physical relationships is just a bit too light-hearted for me.  She had previously claimed 2.5 years of celibacy. Well, it all boiled down to what your definition of “is” is.

It appears she has more current lovers than I care to count. She just stops short of coitus with her partners, so she claims celibacy. Call me prude, but I call B.S. 

I was faced with being asked to accept a rotating cast of characters that share her bed, and to be friendly with the other people…. I know I wanted to push boundaries and be lighter with my dating situation, but that is too much for me to handle.

She claims she has been taking a look at monogamy, and might want it in her future. But her current actions detail a very different story.  She told me she has a “booty call” date this week with one of her lovers.  I’m fine with that. She is a wonderful woman that chooses her own life. I also can choose how I interact with her with this new information. I will not be sharing a bed with her again, no matter how relatively innocent this past weekend was.

She texted me late last night informing me she cancelled her “date” this week with one of the guys so she can have a clear head before moving forward with any decisions she might want to make regarding entering into any type of dating situation with me.  I’ve already made my decision.

I feel used. I feel taken advantage of. I feel emotions played with. I feel deceived.

Yes, she was almost completely up-front about her actions if I asked the right questions. But it was only after we had a physical encounter and I asked more questions to clarify, that she offered up the whole scenario.

But I’m done. I will of course remain extremely pleasant and friendly towards WWW. The characteristics that I found so attractive in her are still there, but I don’t need to share a bed with her to experience those characteristics.

On the bright and positive side. I can now honestly claim another known fact about myself and where my comfortable boundary is on this issue. And for that, the weekend was a perfect lesson on getting to know me.