Beginnings, Death, and all the trimmings

It feels good, now that I’ve embraced this fledgling relationship with WWW.

I really am going to try to roll with the flow. She’s got this *something* that is irresistible.  Frankly, even with all of her mischievousness, I’m rather surprised she is relatively single. And maybe that’s it… she has placed herself in a mischievous light intimacy world, and her potential for deep connectedness might be un-desirable in that world. And maybe that was my hesitation as well. I could see the potential for greatness and the hardened cold part of my heart was pushing me away with any little excuse it could find.

Hey, I’m still being realistic with all of it. I haven’t fallen head over heels with un-wavering devotion or anything silly like that. We are still learning about each other, and right now we are just learning all of the good parts.

But oh, how she enjoys pushing boundaries for herself and others. And maybe that’s also part of the early hesitation on my part. I’m happy pushing a boundary of my own choosing, but when asked to gently look at a boundary I may not have been aware of, I suddenly dig my heels into the ground and turn into Gilligan from the old TV show …crossing my arms and shouting “You can’t make me, You can’t make me!”

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A friend died last Saturday. I don’t know all the details, but I know he was a closet heavy drinker, with more than a few previous unsuccessful suicide attempts over the years. He’d been missing for a few weeks, and another friend found him dead in his house. 

This person was someone I met after my wife died.  He was part of this large community of people that I found myself in.  He was one of the first people to try to get to know me as just me, and not me and my wife.  We would very often find ourselves talking rather closely about personal and heartfelt topics.  I will miss his easy laughter, and will also miss his sharing of the Hot Sauce. He was a great cook, often creating huge feasts for us. We also shared some festivals that had poor to mediocre food that was served…. He always had a bottle of hot sauce in his back pocket for those festivals. He also was a great partner to share in my boundary expanding experience of The Rainbow Family Gathering last year.

I will also miss late night hot tubs soaks with him, talking about each other’s darkness. … I will miss his desire to push his tired and abused body in yoga classes….I will miss him.

I’ve had so much death in my life the last 4 years….. I’ve been to at least 8 funerals in that time. And maybe that’s normal as we get older….but I really need an emotional break from death.

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I’m still sick, and finally went to the doctor yesterday. Antibiotics for me, woo hoo!

I’m hoping to start feeling better quickly. I need to take care of some things at the house. Some of the upstairs inside trim/molding had been poorly replaced sometime in the past, and I decided to have it re-done to match the rest of the house. Yes, an extra extravagance that wasn't really needed to be done, but if I am doing all this work, it would be best to replace everything.  I couldn’t  justify installing a few  thousand dollars of kitchen cabinets and not replacing ugly and damaged window trim right next to the fancy new cabinets….. and that is exactly how this whole project keeps spiraling out of control!!!!!