Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Just a quick update

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything.

Life has been plodding along on cruise control.

The house is still being worked on, and I hope to move into it the first week of July.

WWW and I are doing much better as a couple. We are acting like a couple of teenagers with goo-goo eyeballs at each other. She’s lightened up on the boundary pushing, and I’ve lightened up on … well…everything, really.

I have thoughts of making this blog a private, invite only type of blog, so if you haven’t created a blogspot account and “followed” me…. This blog may disappear from public view.

Anyway, my schedule doesn’t allow me to post as often as I would like, but that may change again in the next month or so, and I will be able to get back to the regular posting schedule

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Little by Little, the Lightness Becomes Truth

I went broke last night buying appliances for the house. Ended up with 6 major appliances, including a new gas stove that I hadn’t planned on buying so soon. There was a rebate thing directly from the manufacturer (Maytag) that made it worthwhile to buy it all together. I had to put the whole thing on a credit card…but on the bright side, it’s zero interest for 12 months.

The place is looking great though, and I am very happy with it.

I should be ok on finances once I get some roommates in the house.
WWW and I seem to have hit a stride of compatibility lately. We are really enjoying each other’s company and the difficulties in communication seem to have minimized. Either we are both choosing to not fully disclose thoughts, or we truly are communicating well.

This upcoming 3-day Memorial Day weekend will be a great test. We are heading out in my Mini-Van for some boondock camping out on BLM land in the middle of a forest….with her dog. She has a little 10 pound pooper that is cute as all heck. It will be a bit cramped sleeping in the back with a dog, so this weekend will be a great test of our communication.
I spent last weekend with my wife’s sister. My Sister-in-Law was in town for the weekend. I haven’t seen her since my wife’s memorial service almost 4 years ago. It was a very emotional yet wonderful visit. We met at a local micro-brew pub and shared a beer for about a 4 hour lunch. I told her about her sister’s grave marker that we had made, and the next day she visited it by herself.

It was another wonderful small closure for me. I feel lighter, and a bit more free. I am beginning to believe that it is ok to move forward and move on. Not to forget, but to begin living life to the fullest again.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Deeper and Deeper

Amazing how WWW and I can open up lines of communication and suddenly we start to understand and connect on a deeper level.

We had a talk about her “friend” and her earlier statements of desire for him. She says that is no longer the desire since our relationship has continued to get deeper.  She still hangs out with him at least twice a week, and I still have some trust issues with it…. And I just assume she is choosing to just not disclose information to me anymore.

A few weeks ago we were talking about how I conduct myself when I am away from my partner in public. I try to conduct myself in a way that my partner would always be comfortable and respected like they were actually in the room. I don’t treat it as an invisible prison guard watching my every move, but rather a respect in the community towards my partner. WWW gave me the impression that she usually follows the “out of sight, out of mind” mentality when in public without her partner. More trust issues for me to explore, I suppose….although I think WWW has given that some serious contemplation as well.

With all of this give and take, I wonder how much we are molding each other… quietly trying to shape the other into our ideal partner. I feel she is definitely continuing to explore my boundaries, just much quieter and subtler now. I am doing the same thing with her though, right?  Maybe it’s actually a healthy way of being honest with ourselves and slowing trying to show each other the real person?

I need to ease up on wanting and expecting deep connection and ease of honest communication with WWW.  My wife and I had 10 years to explore ourselves, with the urgency of her genetic disease moving things deeper on a much faster track than normal. It is completely unfair of me to expect WWW to compete with that.
I’m also still struggling with emotions of moving forward with life after the death of my wife. Survivors Guilt I suppose….. How can I live a good life now? Admitting that I am a better person now?

Dave Gahan from Depeche Mode- Deeper and Deeper

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Torn Asunder with the Runaround in my Mind

I’m frustrated and torn asunder from my feelings towards WWW.

I have a trust issue I need to work out within myself…or is it a possession issue? 

I went out to karaoke with some friends last night, and WWW was invited, and she asked if she could bring her “friend” along. It’s this supposedly plutonic friendship she has that she admittedly wants more from. When we first started dating, she flat out told me she wants a physical relationship with this guy, but he doesn’t want one with her. It’s exactly that type of conversation that makes me distant from her. She seems to relish joy in blunt shock value words. The funny part? My friends that we met for karaoke do not know about WWW and I dating…. My friend said “it was nice to meet WWW and her boyfriend” HA!
I keep thinking WWW will tire of me soon and move on. If I had to guess, most of her physical relationships only last 2-6 months, with a couple of long-term 1-2 years stints thrown in. By the way she talks, that seems to be her standard routine with guys. I wonder though…. If I will be the first to bail on this ‘relationship’.  I mean… come on, I said NO to this thing every week for the first 4 weeks or so…..

The roommate situation is working out well. Mellow guy who isn’t home much, and when he is, he plays some sweet music on his multitude of instruments.
The house is still slow. I don’t think I will be in by the end of the month.
Dion and the Belmonts- Runaround Sue

Monday, May 7, 2012

Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll for the Middle-Aged Set.

So it seems that WWW is constantly rebelling against the “Girl Next Door” image that people see in her. I, on the other hand, seem to want to embrace the “Boy Next Door” image that I want to see in myself.

Reality hits us in the middle and my subdued and understated outlook smacks against her fondness for trying to induce shock value. And then we are usually pretty close on the reality of the attitudes anyway.

This weekend was a great example.

We went to a Beltane party with her mischievous crowd, and WWW played it up like it was going to be some drunk and naked free-for-all. The reality was more frat-house than Bacchus. Sure there were some scanty see-through outfits… and people were wandering into some of the bedrooms and doors were being closed… but nothing too crazy.  The party was a bunch of middle-aged people acting like a bunch of horny 20somethings.  No big deal, really.  Although I was rather shocked at the amount of alcohol was consumed and the subtle undertone of drugs being used.

I tried to keep some distance between WWW and myself throughout the night. I didn’t want to be seen joined at the hip with her. I talked to a few people, but mostly the conversations were drunken nothings. I did sense a lot of neediness and low self-esteem though. It was rather strange, especially since I battle with my own issues on those matters.

Perhaps some of these folks are using shock-value sexuality to gain acceptance from others? I don’t know, but the whole event seemed like something I’ve already experienced 20 years ago. Not my cup of tea, but nothing I was uncomfortable with. I just keep my alcohol intake to a few glasses of wine, politely decline the drug offers, keep my clothes on and don’t go behind the green door and I’m ok.

Beyond the crazy party though, WWW and I seem to have hit a stride of good communication and recognizing boundaries. It turned out to be a beautiful and tender weekend. We spent over 50 hours straight together, as she even stayed over Sunday night.

I am enjoying her company. The more we share, more of the “Girl Next Door” comes out in her, and perhaps a bit of my shock-value side comes out as well.  Her softer side is very desirable. I fear I am rather smitten with her.

On the house front, I am so broke and dirt poor, that I have rented out the front room of my apartment to the guy that is going to take over the whole place once I move into the house. This guy has just moved into town, and is friends with the landlord. Easy going fellow, I took a liking to him instantly.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

It's a Thing

Not much time to write lately.

The house is still plodding along, and it is still draining my resources.  A friend is already lined up to rent my apartment when I finally move into the house. This friend just asked if he could stay in the front room and pay rent until I move out. YES!

So now I have a roommate for the next month, in a tiny one bedroom apartment. I barely used the front room anyway. Luckily he has been travelling and doesn’t have any large furniture, so I can keep my stuff in the room.

Quite the change in living situation, and it will be good practice for the house.


Had some acupuncture yesterday. I try to get two sessions in a month. I had asked to be poked for some normal physical ills…. mouse wrist, sinus clearing, stiff neck, etc…. and then I asked for some non-physical stuff to be poked at… like acceptance of other people.

As I laid there with needles poking at me all over, I was overcome with the difficulty I have in accepting myself. Accepting self-worth. Accepting friendship. Accepting a New Life.  Being able to Receive joy and pleasure without guilt.


I big step today with WWW.  A few weeks ago I asked her if she would be willing to take a full STD test. She said yes. Today we both go to Planned Parenthood and get the full meal deal.

Our relationship has turned into a “Thing” although we both are not quite sure what that thing is.  We seem to be able to spend quite a bit of time together, and really enjoy it. We have scheduled many events with our respective crowds, and it seems to be an easy flow.

Sonny & Cher variety show clip- Isley Brothers- it's your thing do what you want to do

Monday, April 30, 2012

Brain and Body Waves

So the Friday night hippie naked dance was way more tame and innocent than I had hyped it up to be. Sure, there were a few people that were topless, and even one or two people that were completely naked… but most of us (myself included) had some type of covering over our more sensitive areas. The dance itself was a lot of fun, and truth be told, WWW and I were probably raising just as many eyebrows with our interactions as anyone else.   The dance was mostly people around 55+ years of age, mostly women, and most of the men there were with partners.  The dancers seemed to flow easily around with each other, and since there was no overt touching or staring going on, it was quite innocent.  The scene at any 20something nightclub is much raunchier and sexually suggestive than anything that went on at this dance.

I had volunteered to dog sit WWW’s puppy for the weekend while she was away at a Craniosacral therapy workshop .

It was quite fun until I tried to leave the dog alone while I went out with some friends on Saturday night. I got a call at midnight from my landlord asking me to come home and quiet the dog. Rut-Roh.
WWW came home Sunday night and we had a great late afternoon and late night dinner. She’s quickly endearing herself to me….I’m going to try to relax and flow into it.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Ain't No Boundary High Enough

This weekend may prove to be either wonderful or crazy.

Tonight WWW and I are going to the local clothing thrift store to find  costumes for next weekend’s Beltane party and then we are going to a different sort of “dance” later tonight. WWW says she hasn’t been to one of these dances before.  From my understanding, it is a “clothing optional” sensuality dance. Designed to let the dancer “Awaken passions by allowing sensations and emotions to move through our bodies”. Yeah. Not sure what I am getting myself into, but since I am trying to be lighter with my interaction with WWW, I’m game.  This isn’t something that I would normally do, so bring on the boundary expansion! Just don’t stare, right?

WWW is going away for the weekend Saturday morning, off to some type of woo woo workshop. I volunteered to watch her dog while she is gone. Another boundary push. Saturday  I will take the dog to my grandfather’s house. Apparently my father is already throwing things away, before letting the family go through stuff. I need to stay out of the middle of that mess. Saturday night I am going to hang out with my old crowd, listening to some live music. It will be good to hang out with them, especially since the death of one of our crowd last weekend.

Sunday will find me at Dance, and then WWW will probably wander back to town to pick up her dog and we will perhaps have an early dinner together.

I'm really starting to like the "strangeness" of the events WWW is exposing me to.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Beginnings, Death, and all the trimmings

It feels good, now that I’ve embraced this fledgling relationship with WWW.

I really am going to try to roll with the flow. She’s got this *something* that is irresistible.  Frankly, even with all of her mischievousness, I’m rather surprised she is relatively single. And maybe that’s it… she has placed herself in a mischievous light intimacy world, and her potential for deep connectedness might be un-desirable in that world. And maybe that was my hesitation as well. I could see the potential for greatness and the hardened cold part of my heart was pushing me away with any little excuse it could find.

Hey, I’m still being realistic with all of it. I haven’t fallen head over heels with un-wavering devotion or anything silly like that. We are still learning about each other, and right now we are just learning all of the good parts.

But oh, how she enjoys pushing boundaries for herself and others. And maybe that’s also part of the early hesitation on my part. I’m happy pushing a boundary of my own choosing, but when asked to gently look at a boundary I may not have been aware of, I suddenly dig my heels into the ground and turn into Gilligan from the old TV show …crossing my arms and shouting “You can’t make me, You can’t make me!”


A friend died last Saturday. I don’t know all the details, but I know he was a closet heavy drinker, with more than a few previous unsuccessful suicide attempts over the years. He’d been missing for a few weeks, and another friend found him dead in his house. 
This person was someone I met after my wife died.  He was part of this large community of people that I found myself in.  He was one of the first people to try to get to know me as just me, and not me and my wife.  We would very often find ourselves talking rather closely about personal and heartfelt topics.  I will miss his easy laughter, and will also miss his sharing of the Hot Sauce. He was a great cook, often creating huge feasts for us. We also shared some festivals that had poor to mediocre food that was served…. He always had a bottle of hot sauce in his back pocket for those festivals. He also was a great partner to share in my boundary expanding experience of The Rainbow Family Gathering last year.
I will also miss late night hot tubs soaks with him, talking about each other’s darkness. … I will miss his desire to push his tired and abused body in yoga classes….I will miss him.

I’ve had so much death in my life the last 4 years….. I’ve been to at least 8 funerals in that time. And maybe that’s normal as we get older….but I really need an emotional break from death.


I’m still sick, and finally went to the doctor yesterday. Antibiotics for me, woo hoo!

I’m hoping to start feeling better quickly. I need to take care of some things at the house. Some of the upstairs inside trim/molding had been poorly replaced sometime in the past, and I decided to have it re-done to match the rest of the house. Yes, an extra extravagance that wasn't really needed to be done, but if I am doing all this work, it would be best to replace everything.  I couldn’t  justify installing a few  thousand dollars of kitchen cabinets and not replacing ugly and damaged window trim right next to the fancy new cabinets….. and that is exactly how this whole project keeps spiraling out of control!!!!!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Lighten Up!

I had decided to lighten the f@#$  up on my interactions with WWW….with some interesting results and observations. 

Most of our misunderstood situations that make each of us prickly towards each other seem to start at the end of some of our extremely long dates.  The longer our dates became, the more comfortable we each started to feel. With that comfort, we divulged a bit deeper and more intimate revelations about ourselves…. And that is the precise moment we start to misinterpret each other’s words. We are now trying to take a deep breath, and ask more specific questions before freaking out.  It seems to have worked, and we are realizing we are WAY more similar than first glance. And most of the things I’ve freaked out about were complete misunderstandings and we actually agree on the issue.

Those amazing characteristics in WWW that I was originally drawn to are shining a bit brighter. 

All I’m saying is this has some potential and I should experience this.

We have even talked about making appointments at Planned Parenthood for the full STD testing…. yeah crazy, right?

I’m really glad I’ve lightened up and started listening and communicating better with her. I’m sure we will still have some misunderstandings, but we have established some firm ground on how to talk about it.


The house is looking great, and getting closer to the finish line. There are kitchen cabinets going in upstairs and downstairs. The paint (No VOC) is on the walls.  There is still concrete to pour outside, but the framing is done.  I’m still broke, and the bank had to call last Friday to let me know there were insufficient funds to cover some of substantial checks there were being cashed. I transferred more out of my retirement saving to cover, but even that account is almost empty.  You only live once, right?

Basement Kitchen cabinets going in.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Sucking too hard on a lollipop

I’m flip-flopping more than a politician on a late October Surprise afternoon.

WWW and I are back on again, only no physical hanky-panky (for the time being) and more trying to get to know each other. I have never pushed and pulled like this in my life. I’m not sure why this is happening.

WWW and I are sharing a cold. She went to the doctor for a chest x-ray today. I don’t seem to have it as bad as her.


I’ve been hesitant to disclose too much on this blog about WWW and how we are interacting. The last few weeks I have this nagging fear that “Real Life” is going to stumble across these ramblings and expose these secrets. But that’s just it… these writings aren’t really secrets.  I just have this strong wall of boundaries around me and I wouldn’t disclose these writings to my inner circle of people. Granted, there isn’t anything Earth shattering on these pages…..

But there is much more to the story than I’m writing down here.

As a reader of this blog commented, I just need to relax and flow into it. I'm not asking for her hand in marriage, so I just need to roll with it.

I see my shrink tonight. I will have no problem filling the hour up with my crazy.  And I do mean “My Crazy”.
Sucking too hard on your lollipop, love is gonna get you down

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Principles of Lust

Things are done with WWW.

Over some drinks at Happy Hour, I stood my ground and cut off all future physical contact. We will work on a platonic friendship. Neither one of us feels we are done with each other, so we will see what happens.

It was incredibly touching and sweet while it lasted. My boundaries were pushed, and I felt some of my edges….geeze, are they sharp, and I fear that WWW brushed against those sharp edges fairly hard also.

  I admit I am a bit conservative, with a touch of a carefully hidden Freak Flag…. while WWW seems to have her Freaky Deaky Flag waving high and proud, with a carefully hidden conservative streak. She is a wonderful and beautiful woman with a huge heart.

I don’t like this pattern I see myself falling into.  Life has become so serious since the death of my wife. Everything must have “meaning”…  It’s no wonder that I escape to the dance floor with a big, goofy grin on my face…it’s just a little amount of time when life is light and airy. There are no worries or cares on the dance floor. WWW has told me I have a “Penchant for the Dramatic”… and she is unfortunately correct. I need to figure out how to cut myself some slack, and recognize that my life is good, and that I have goodness to share.

So where to now?  The house is having lots of painting done on the inside, and we are still waiting for better weather to pour the remaining concrete.  I won’t be spending much time around the house this week with the paint fumes. 

Principles of Lust: Sadeness/Find Love/Sadeness 

Monday, April 16, 2012

A Glorious Train Wreck

My grandfather’s funeral was Saturday afternoon. Lots of people I didn’t know, and the most un-personal funeral I’ve ever been to. Very Catholic. Very Proper.

The body wasn’t even in the ground two hours when the bickering started over how the estate is being handled.

I even got roped into some discussion with my mother, over her divorce agreement with my father regarding his inheritance. Aaargh. I don’t need to be involved with it, or pick sides.  I agreed to help them find a Mediator that could help facilitate another agreement between them.


WWW and I continue to smash into each other…. A glorious train wreck if there ever was one.

It’s the same old story… and it seems every time we are together she offers up a little bit more information that is hard to swallow all at once. I have to pull my head out of my arse and stop seeing her. It’s no good for me or her. My slightly conservative upbringing will constantly be irritating to her, and her mischievousness in all things will constantly irritate me.

She claims the desire for monogamy, but I swear she flat out asked me who else I would like to date in the community…. What? That’s B.S. in my book.

Perhaps it would be different if this whole poly thing was in the past, and not something that she would “like to explore with me”. 

We haven’t even really explored each other’s “stuff” yet!  And we haven’t talked about her woo-woo side yet either!

And I’m seeing her tonight for some Happy Hour drinks. I’m a putz and a sucker. I need to stand up and cut this off….I’m being a complete idiot.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Like a moth to a flame.

Like a moth to a flame.

Beating my head against the brick wall because it feels good.

I saw WWW last night at Dance, and we had another great talk. Either she is a Master at Deception, or she is being completely honest with me. But how do I know if I am being honest with myself?

So we are going to continue to get to know each other, explore each other’s “baggage and stuff” and see where it goes. And she has said she is breaking off any physical relations she has with any others.

On one hand, she seems to be a woman with much heart to give, but has found herself with people that don’t want to receive it…so she seems to have tried to spread her heart around to get shallow bits from the Poly crowd.  When asked specifically about her 2.5 years of “celibacy” with hanky-panky on the side, she is quite sincere in her belief of holding fast in not giving completely of herself to this Poly crowd.

So what the heck am I doing? I have no idea. I am circling the flame, knowing I will get burned, but wanting to feel the heat and see the light.


Did some Karaoke afterward dance with some other people.

I sang:

I saw the Light- Hank Williams Sr.

Treat Her Like a Lady- Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose

Sexx Laws- Beck

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye to this Tainted Love

I went to dinner with WWW on Monday night. She is very captivating. I am drawn in with desire and it isn’t physical, it is more than that. I feel an honest tenderness towards her. We both feel this is a situation where we could both delve deeper into each other with connectedness. I really do like her.

I also feel this isn’t good for me. The boundary push is too great.  There are also some health issues that I haven’t written about that were of concern for me.

After dinner, I broke things off with her. I should have waited until we were out of the restaurant and walking in the neighborhood. She is such a beautiful soul, it was difficult to forcefully push a wedge between us when there is so much beauty I see inside of her.

The health issue was my tipping point. I haven’t written about it earlier, but I have had more than enough of having a health issue involved with a relationship. While she doesn’t have a life-threatening problem, it would still weigh on my mind of how we would need to limit some physical interactions and being aware of restrictions on certain lifestyle choices.

We quickly and deeply affected each other. I think my tender and serious need for deep connection hit her like a brick wall, shattering some of her reality as much as she shattered mine with her sexual mischievousness and her claims of celibacy. 

I honestly hope we can continue a friendship with one another. I just can’t give her my heart, or share her bed.

The house is starting to come together. There is lots of concrete being poured outside for walkways and patios, effectively diverting water away from the house. We have put drains and ABS pipes under the concrete to move the rain run-off.  We have over-engineered everything. Huge over-kill on prevention. But the long-term hands-off permanence of these solutions give me peace of mind.

The basement dry-wall is going up, and both kitchens will be installed soon. I need to get off my rear end and purchase the appliances… washer/dryer, two dishwashers, and a refrigerator. 

Soft Cell- Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret
Say Hello, Wave Goodbye to this Tainted Love

Monday, April 9, 2012

Just remember that death is not the end

Saturday we buried some ashes. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I got home by 6:00 PM and went straight to bed, and didn’t wake up until 7:00 AM Sunday morning.

It seemed so final, staring at this giant hunk of granite with my wife’s name on it. There is no comfort in a “hereafter”.  There is no comfort from a “higher power”.  There is only a very heavy and cold chunk of highly polished granite in my heart.

I hurt.

I can also understand why some widowers go crazy with hedonistic and nihilist thoughts and actions. Why bother trying to live the good life? Screw it, and get as much as you can grab... we’ll all be dead soon enough anyway.

But rational thought slowly takes over. The community comes out to greet me, lift me up….

And life is relentless in its slow march. Persistent. Hopeful with each Spring day.

Ecclesiastes 1:4
One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever.

My hiking partner and his wife took me up a mountain for Easter Sunday. It was a hard climb. We followed a mountain ridge straight up with very few switchbacks. My body screamed in pain to match my heart.

It was exactly what I needed to do.
I have plans to meet WWW later this evening. I am breaking things off with her tonight.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Spiraling towards burying ashes

Maybe I’m spiraling out of control over the need for touch. To belong. To feel complete.

I’ve been eating too much lately. Granted, it’s been pistachios and mandarin oranges that I’ve been gorging on…. But still….. it’s too much.

I’ve been frantic about getting to some type of dance class almost every day. I went to a contact improv basics class last night and loved it. Heading out to another dance tonight.  I’ve invited WWW to the event tonight, she will meet me there. The crazy thing is, I am rather hoping she invites me over to her place after the dance. How crazy is that? So that I can rush around in the morning to shower and gather a death certificate and be at a cemetery an hour’s drive from my house?

Maybe it’s the frantic brain trying to keep me overly busy so I don’t focus on Saturday.

We had a nice gravestone plaque created for my wife. My in-laws, her brother and niece will all be there to see some of the ashes buried. My mother-in-law will be keeping the remaining ashes and urn at her home. It will be good to have some more closure. For all of us.

I have a hike planned on Sunday, skipping dance. WWW likes to hike as well, but I really need to show some restraint and NOT invite her to hike Sunday. This is the first hike of the season, and it would be good for just my regular hiking partner and I to go alone.

My Grandfather's funeral is scheduled for NEXT Saturday. 

These posts the last few days don’t even make sense to me.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Grandpa, Death, Life, New

This month has been rather insane.

My 93 year old grandfather died last night. He was a WW2 vet, an actual “Lineman for the County” back in the late 50’s, an industrial installer for Ma Bell working specifically in site specific maintenance on aerospace applications in the 60’s and 70’s ….. today’s equivalent of a Network Administrator.

I still went to my normal Wednesday night dance last night. It was a great dance. As we were leaving the ballroom, a new male friend gave me a hug and asked how I was. I told him about my wife’s birthday and grandfather’s death. He very beautifully said that getting to know me, he can imagine how wonderful my wife must have been, and that he would have liked to meet her. For some reason, that triggered a huge wave of grief that had been bubbling on the surface all day. In the middle of a crowded room, I exploded with tears. He held space for me. I am grateful for his friendship.


I had a good, long talk with WWW last night.  It seems we both were not communicating well together last weekend, and both of us misunderstood each other.

Without getting into the nitty-gritty details, the group of guys I was told about are EX- boyfriends that she remained friends with, in non-sexual relationships. The guy she had a date with (that she cancelled) this week was somebody she has been seeing for a month or so.  When it all comes down to the final answer, she has just been dating people. Dating much like people in the 50’s did. Some teenage groping in the backseat every once in a while, some slow getting to know a few people…normal dating stuff.

I feel I over-reacted to some partial information, and she reacted to me. We both acknowledged we got a little prickly with each other.   We plan on some more dates. I would like to further explore how my stuff interacts with her stuff.

Whew! Volatile life! I'm just winging it, and this experiment with WWW may crash and burn, but I owe it to myself to at least try.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Today is my late wife’s birthday.

Today is my late wife’s birthday. She would have been 44 years old today.

I don’t have much to say about it. The tears are flowing easily. The loss of a deep connection. One-sided now.

I miss her. I miss our connection.

This Saturday, my in-laws and I are spreading some of her ashes at the family cemetery. We have a flat stone plaque that will be near her biological father who also died at a young age from the same disease.


Tonight at my regular Wednesday night dance, I will be seeing WWW.

It’s rather strange how the last few days have changed my thoughts. I was adamant about not sharing a bed with her when I wrote Monday’s blog post.  Today, I feel ambivalent…

My wife and I had such a deep connection; I fear I will never meet another woman with her strength and charisma. So why bother looking? I can remain basically single with WWW and spend the night with her every so often. I could be selfish with my heart. Heck, I could even still date other women, with WWW’s encouragement!  I could close my soul, keep this darkness barely held back. I could keep my grief close to the unsteady surface, instead of using it as a rock solid building block of a new life.

I could use WWW as an escape from the real world, and what little tenderness and connection I show her would still be more than most people ever experience.


Good lord, I sound like an egotistical blow-hard, wallowing in self-righteous pity. This is a disgusting post.

Monday, April 2, 2012

What Time is it? It's Poly Time!

My conservative religious upbringing ran headfirst into a brick wall of polyamory this weekend, and I found out too late to serve to miss it.

WWW and I went to a fun house party together on Saturday night. We ended up going back to her place for some innocent hanky-panky.  Light-weight and non-committal fun is what I was seeking, right?

I stayed the night. Nothing too crazy happened. We woke up and acted like a couple of teenagers again and then started talking about some deeper topics.

It seems her light-heartedness towards physical relationships is just a bit too light-hearted for me.  She had previously claimed 2.5 years of celibacy. Well, it all boiled down to what your definition of “is” is.

It appears she has more current lovers than I care to count. She just stops short of coitus with her partners, so she claims celibacy. Call me prude, but I call B.S. 

I was faced with being asked to accept a rotating cast of characters that share her bed, and to be friendly with the other people…. I know I wanted to push boundaries and be lighter with my dating situation, but that is too much for me to handle.

She claims she has been taking a look at monogamy, and might want it in her future. But her current actions detail a very different story.  She told me she has a “booty call” date this week with one of her lovers.  I’m fine with that. She is a wonderful woman that chooses her own life. I also can choose how I interact with her with this new information. I will not be sharing a bed with her again, no matter how relatively innocent this past weekend was.

She texted me late last night informing me she cancelled her “date” this week with one of the guys so she can have a clear head before moving forward with any decisions she might want to make regarding entering into any type of dating situation with me.  I’ve already made my decision.

I feel used. I feel taken advantage of. I feel emotions played with. I feel deceived.

Yes, she was almost completely up-front about her actions if I asked the right questions. But it was only after we had a physical encounter and I asked more questions to clarify, that she offered up the whole scenario.

But I’m done. I will of course remain extremely pleasant and friendly towards WWW. The characteristics that I found so attractive in her are still there, but I don’t need to share a bed with her to experience those characteristics.

On the bright and positive side. I can now honestly claim another known fact about myself and where my comfortable boundary is on this issue. And for that, the weekend was a perfect lesson on getting to know me.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Anger for Anger's sake? No Thank You

On Monday night, I went to my second showing of the new Men’s Group I joined. It’s a new group, and it was only the third meeting, so they are still trying to gather steam and figure out the structure and direction of the group. There are some really strong personalities showing already.

One gentleman who appears to be a veteran of a multitude of self-help groups decided to be the facilitator on Monday night. There was also an extremely self-assured and confident intellectual that knew he had the correct response for everything. Some reason, the facilitator wanted me to join in an anger exercise with this guy.

It felt really strange. I honestly felt this smug and real anger coming from him, but I didn’t know what to do with it. The facilitator kept asking me to explore an angry response back to him, but I just didn’t feel it. I tried to “blow up” at him, and I must have succeeded, as we stopped the exercise.  I plan on talking about my experience next week, as to how I resented being forced into an angry confrontation in which I had no vested interest. Getting angry for anger’s sake is not my idea of a positive interaction. I ended up really liking the guy, and respected his different approach to life. We had a nice long talk after the meeting and I think we both came away with a mutual respect. I would share a beer with him any time. He even called me out on my need to always appear that I am calm and in control of my emotions…and I agreed with him.

I didn’t have such a positive experience with the facilitator. If an emotion comes up naturally, sure, let’s utilize it and work with it. But there is a very huge difference in facilitating a meeting by shepherding the ebb and flow of the topics along and forcefully leading a crowd that is kicking and screaming along a path that only the leader wants to go down. .  .

Luckily we plan on having different people run the group each week


My ground-water environmentalist friend came by the house Monday before the Men’s Group. She had some incredibly great ideas, and I hope to use some of them. Unfortunately I am going to add more concrete around the house to divert the rain water. She understands my fear and supports whatever I choose to do, and I plan on using her ideas to move the rainwater off of the concrete and into a Bioswale   so I will have a nice relatively maintenance-free yard. My whole goal is to get as much groundwater away from the house so the mold does not come right back into the basement after all of this expensive work.


WWW has invited me to a party on Saturday night. Apparently her crowd really enjoys the naked hot tubbing.  I guess I’m game after all.  I will see WWW tonight at the regular Wednesday night dance but we won’t have much of a chance to talk, as she leaves right away to go to another late night event. 

Monday, March 26, 2012

Male Compromise Theory on the dance floor

On Friday night, I went to see the movie “Pina” with Superbowl woman. The more time I spend with her, the more I realize it is just a physical attraction, and her personality and mine would not be compatible in a more intimate setting. She is an awesome friend though. And I intend to strengthen that friendship.

On Friday I ended up spending about 7 hours with Woo Woo Woman (WWW?). About 5 hours of that was full of deep conversation. I really liked it. Although she may be more subdued than the women I am usually attracted to (with disastrous results) we are very evenly matched. Our relationship lifestyles are quite different though………….I have a rather puritanical view of sexuality and monogamous relationships, while she is a lot more fluid without as many rules. In many respects, I admire this attitude.

Regardless, it was a great talk, and then we met some of my friends for karaoke. The friends were actually Superbowl woman and her ex-boyfriend who  is moving back into town.  I had never sung in front of these friends before, and I think they were pleasantly surprised. They are both accomplished musicians.

At the end of the night, I dropped WWW off at her place with a few tender kisses good night. We planned to meet Sunday morning at our regular dance. It was quite nice bouncing around the room, meeting friends, and sweating out the whiskey of the karaoke night.  WWW and I kept moving back and forth into dances with each other and at towards the end of the dance, we did some contact improv that ended up with us rolling around on the floor. The first time we have done that, actually. The most full contact our bodies have experienced together. It was nice.

Afterward, she invited me out for Dim Sum  with some of the her friends . Including one gentleman that is her Ex…or current…. I’m not exactly clear on that. I will need to ask her more about that. I do know that he is married in an open relationship, so his wife is aware of WWW.  With my more puritan view on this sort of thing….I just don’t know if this is the sort of “Boundary Pushing Experiences”   that I am looking for.

It was interesting to meet this guy though. He is quite the opposite from me. Tall, testosterone filled, muscled, loud and assertive, slightly overbearing… A regular dude’s dude.  Nice enough guy, certainly good looking, but I wouldn’t share a beer with him.

After the Dim Sum, they all made plans to go soak in a hot tub and asked me to join. I didn’t have any plans for the afternoon, but declined anyway. Not that I can’t get into a hot tub naked with people, I’m usually very ok with that. It just seemed like I was being vetted by the lunch group. And while I am usually comfortable being naked, I wouldn’t be comfortable with WWW. For some strange reason, if we are to enter into some type of physical relationship, I'd rather approach our bodies alone first.

Like I said, I admire some of this open attitude towards intimate relationships. It’s a little bit like non-monogamous dating. But there seems to be some intimate mischievousness that I may not be ok with. On the other hand, perhaps it is exactly what I need to experience to change my view of relationships from being a devoted husband to light-hearted dating. After all, some people view serial monogamy as not a healthy thing, referring to it as Male Compromise Theory.


And on the house front, I have a friend coming over tonight to check out my water run-off problem. She is an expert on ground water management.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Personality Testing with Various Results

The date with Woo Woo Woman (I dislike this nickname for her) was pleasant. She is lots of fun, but perhaps a little too subdued for me. We talked a little about the Briggs-Myers Personality Test 

She is an INFJ 

The last time I took the test I was an ISFP. I just took the test linked above and came out as INTP, go figure.

I don’t put too much faith in these tests, especially the ones with so few questions. I took a 500 question Myers-Briggs test once. Ugh, that thing was excruciating. I think I was an ISFP on that one too.

We might do something together this Saturday.   There is a Japanese themed dinner party I may try to drag her to.  Although I'm not sure what type of Japanese food I would bring to the potluck. Maybe some seaweed salad. I love that stuff.


I have a date tonight with SuperBowl Woman.  Not really a date, but a get-together. We are either going to see the movie Pina  or  meet up with some other people for some late night dancing to 80’s music. Should be fun either way.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I Came to Dance

I went on a buying spree for building materials last night. Gathered up enough materials to generate a bill that equals three and one-half months’ worth of take home pay.  I was nauseous as we went over the list. The funny thing is, we didn’t end up buying any of it. My General Contractor didn’t get the price break he wanted, so we walked out of the store. Apparently these stores will wheel and deal a lot more with the contractors. But we did get a full list of items we need, and I got a taste of what it will really cost when we pull the trigger on buying all of it. The list didn’t include any appliances, and I am going to order kitchen cabinets today that will cost about 1.5 months’ worth of salary. Wow. Nice cabinets though!

I’ve gotten past the point of freaking out about the cost. I will be (already am) broke, but I won’t need to do anything more to the house except general upkeep. I’m also splurging on the initially expensive high-efficiency LED lighting so my utility cost should stay fairly low. I still think I’ve done the right decision on the house.

I wasn’t able to make it to my regular Wednesday night dance class last night, and I really missed it. They have Ecstatic Dance in most major cities in North America. Sometimes it is called Soul Motion Dance. Usually the dances are held in yoga studios as they have nice open floors and usually a sound system.  I’ve often thought how much fun it would be to travel the countryside in an RV and rent space in dance studios, grange halls, or old ballrooms to hold a dance in some small town. All it takes is 5-6 people, a decent speaker system, and my laptop pre-loaded with the music. I could easily imagine a modest cover charge that would pay the space rental cost. It would have to be pretty small towns though. A quick Google search for “ecstatic dance”, “soul motion” or “5rhythms” will probably bring up something near you. 

What I find interesting about these dances, is the kind of people that go to them. I have met doctors and construction workers. I have met a nationally ranked Mixed Martial Arts Fighter. I met an older man with crippled legs that danced on crutches. I’ve met young families with small children that run around interacting with everyone. And you know something? It is also interesting in who I Don’t meet at these events. There seems to be a self-regulating process that weeds out the people that don’t have good intentions at the dance. These people may come once, but they seldom come back until they are ready to interact with the other dancers with respect. I find it amazing.


I have another date with The Woo Woo woman  tonight. I seem to be drawn towards her quietness. It’s different than the quietness of Blind Date woman

I also don’t think Woo Woo is actually looking for “a relationship” in the standard sense. I get the impression she would like to hang out with me, but she would also want the freedom and space to hang out with whomever she pleases. This might be another good transition for me.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

It can be a wonderful life..... if I let it.

What a difference a few days makes.

On Friday night I went to a special Contact Improv Dance Jam at a different studio that I have never been to before.  It was very strange. When I first got there, I was the youngest person in the room. I was happy though, to recognize a few faces from some of the other dance activities I frequent.

The facilitator then had us sit in a circle and handed out blindfolds. Yup, blindfolds. It was voluntary to wear them, but since I was in for a penny, I went in for a pound and wore the blindfold. I was a bit creeped out for the first 20-30 minutes. The improv dance was nothing like what I had previously experienced. I was used to standing up, meeting a fellow dancer with eye contact to gauge approachability, keeping some distance for a few minutes as we moved together, and perhaps moving closer as we both agree to the terms of the dance.

With blindfolds on, we stayed on the ground, with a strange random slow feeling  and rolling around action. It was rather like a bunch of horny old people indiscriminately groping each other. I wasn’t actually groped or fondled in inappropriate areas, but the “feeling” of it was quite strong, especially in the first 20 minutes or so. Several times a got on my knees in Child’s Pose and just pushed myself backwards out of the circle to give myself some space. The facilitator was really great in checking in with me to gauge my comfortability level.

Once I eased myself into it, and let go of some fears, it was actually quite nice. And it was quite sensual as I rolled around on the floor with a rather sexy woman maybe five years my senior.  It’s difficult to guess though, as I look about 10 years younger than I actually am.  I accidentally took home the blindfold, so I need to go back again…. You know…. Just to return the blindfold.

And If I thought Friday night was strange…….

After a nice breakfast with my hiking partner and picking out paint samples for the house, I met with a fellow dancer friend for coffee. She invited me to a party later that night, and since she lives so far out of town, we decided to hang out early.

The party. It was quite crazy. It was a dress-up party with an Alice in Wonderland theme. I got the memo late that it was a dress up party, so I went as a character from before Alice went into the looking glass and down the rabbit hole…. Just normal street clothes.
There were many people from the dance community here. I recognized more than a dozen faces….people I have danced with, but never actually spoken to.  It was really fun, and making new connections has been one of my goals this year.  It was great to put some names and voices to faces.  The crowd itself is very warm and welcoming, although perhaps a bit higher on the woo woo and Burning Man scale than I normally would hang out with.


Sunday morning found me at my regular dance class, along with many of the people from Friday and Saturday night. The good morning Hello’s were more frequent, the hugs a little warmer. It was very nice.

They played the Brother Iz song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" during the dance. As soon as the opening notes were strummed on the ukulele, the emotion was too great.  I had to leave the room.  I sat in the foyer listening to the music, and hearing the hundreds of voices singing along. We played this song at my wife's memorial service. The name of the album this song is on is called "Facing Future". It was one of her favorite albums the last year of her life.

And at the end of the dance, a fellow dancer invited me to a new Men’s Group that was having its second meeting on Monday night.  Of course I said I would go.


I had already arranged to take Monday off work so I could get some building materials and design decisions made on the house.  Found some awesome discontinued tile for only  $0.38 per square foot. Enough to tile quite a bit of the basement.  The day went by too quickly but I am feeling better about the house.

Yes, the house is bleeding me dry, but it will look great and I will be able to get roommates in pretty quickly after it is finished. I think I have made peace with the process…at least this week.

Monday night arrived it was time to head to the address listed for the Men’s Group. I wasn’t sure what to expect. The group lists over 45 members. When I got there, I was the only the 3rd person to show up. There eventually were 8 men.

The meeting went well enough, for strangers getting to know each other. The facilitator kept things moving well, and there were great topics that were brought up. I will be going back again.

My life is good, and I should be good with that.

 Israel "IZ" Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole  "Over the Rainbow" and "What a Wonderful World" 

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Look Upon my Works, ye Mighty, and Despair

There is no change in the situation. The downward spiral continues.

I am feeling overwhelmed at all of the past costs of this home remodel, and the future costs still needed to pay out. The previous luxury of having roommates to pay extra on the mortgage will now be a necessity. I would like to call it massive Scope Creep on this project, but the mold in the house required all of these additional costs. My original goal of trying to make a self-sufficient lifestyle has now degenerated into a consumer-driven, mortgage-laden, privacy-stealing chain around my neck.

Since my brother is doing all of the work with his crew, I am getting a screaming deal on labor costs, but it still costs money, and the materials are expensive. Paying rent on the apartment, the mortgage payments, utilities …… I’m broke and the credit will run out all too soon if I am not careful.

I just need to plow through all of these upgrades and everything will be fine, but for right now, I am not feeling very good about the decision to buy this house. I am contemplating cashing in a frozen retirement account and taking the large hit in taxes so I can put it directly onto the mortgage. Using a mortgage calculator, the money I would save on interest would more than make up for the taxes lost.  This is an account I need to deal with anyway, as it is my wife’s profit sharing account from her old company.

The rest of my life is suffering as well. I have the same dishes in the sink for 2 weeks, my laundry basket has been full and I am out of clean clothes. The mail has been piling up and bills need to be paid. When I do have free time, I curl up in bed and try to sleep with my mind racing.

This too shall pass.

Title from the poem Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley

Monday, March 12, 2012

Bite the Bullet with Kitchen Cabinets?

Yup, did some Karaoke on Friday night. Had three shots of Bulleit whiskey, too. Good stuff. 

Maybe that’s the reason for my song choices. Two of my over-sung standards and one cheese-ball tune that my friend wanted me to sing:

Respect- Aretha Franklin
Vehicle- Ides of March
I’m Not in Love- 10cc

The friend I went with chose the 10cc tune. It was quite fun to sing, and those 70’s songwriters really knew how to craft a story. But what a downer song for the crowd. Not exactly the kind of upbeat song most people want to sing at midnight.


I don’t usually drink that much, and the shots were an extremely generous pour…So I was not at 100% when I reported to duty on Saturday morning. My job was to help transport and set up music equipment, speakers and microphones and such. It was a volunteer gig for a friend’s band. There was a community event to plant trees all over the neighborhood and they volunteers all came back for lunch and live music. It was a fun time.

The pressure of the house is getting to me, so I wanted to move things along. I enlisted the help of my friend with the good fashion sense (of the Vintage Store Owner fame) and we went IKEA to look at their offerings. They have many styles to choose from, and I know for sure a couple of things. The first being….I don’t want IKEA kitchen cabinets.

I also know I do not ever want to eat there again.  I had a spinach and cheese crepe, and for only $1 more I added five meatballs….with gravy!  And some type of lingonberry drink. I was then talked into dessert. Some type of apple pie/cake that wasn’t very tasty.  I was not feeling well the remainder of the day.

I went home and crawled in bed, feeling sorry for myself on this fine mess of a house that I’ve gotten myself into.

I know it will all come together eventually, but I am quickly going broke and there is long way to go, and a short time to get there.


I skipped my Sunday morning dance so I could have brunch with my hiking partner and his wife. It was a great time, and we had great conversation. I showed them the house and we commiserated on the amount of work that needs to be done as they have just completed a major remodel of their home. I picked her brain on kitchen cabinets, as they had a great remodel. I think the cost would be too much for me though. They spent an extremely large amount of money, but it sure looks nice.

I went back home and crawled in bed again. The house is really getting to me. The work is slowing down this week because my brother has an actual paying commercial job that he started today that his main crew needs to work at.  I am afraid this will drag slowly on for another couple of months.

My mind was racing all evening, and I couldn’t get to sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 2:30 am and I was still wide awake with a screaming brain. My alarm goes off at 5:15.

I’m Not in Love- 10cc

Friday, March 9, 2012

Oblivious to Demolition and Attraction

I need to go on more dates.

Last night, I went out for dinner with the woman that asked me out last weekend. We have many mutual friends, so it was a nice and easy conversation. We had a great time, checked each other out, and went on our separate ways. A nice friend connection was made, and the next time we see each other at dance or parties, the hug hello will be a bit warmer.

I need to make more connections like that. No romantic connection needed, but the experience of sharing and getting to know someone with comfortable ease.


On the house front, the carport has been removed, the basement floor has been jackhammered open to expose sewer piping, and everything is partially done, but nothing is near completion. The crew was really fast and good at the demolition, but things have slowed way down with putting the house back together. I know this is normal, but still a bit unnerving to me.

The time is near to find some kitchen cabinet styles I like, and also pick out some paint colors for the exterior.
For the exterior paint, I’m thinking of a dusty sage green with warm white trim. Classic look with just a bit of flair.  The kitchen cabinets are giving me a headache. I have no idea what to get for this very small 1920’s home. I’m going to IKEA on Sunday for some style inspiration.


First things first though, it’s the weekend and time to have fun.  Heading out for some karaoke tonight with a really groovy friend that I don’t get to see that often. We have never done karaoke together before, so it will be fun to experience her music choices.

Saturday I am helping some musician friends pack up their gear for an afternoon gathering. It’s some type of tree planting event so there should be lots of fun to be had. I suppose I should read up about the event so I know what to expect. I’m just there to help the band set up and tear down.

Oblivious- by Aztec Camera

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

You Can Dance... For Inspiration

I’m starting to feel better about the house remodel.

We are replacing all of the gray water drainage pipes in the house. The existing pipes were almost plugged with disgusting sludge because the pipes were installed without enough slope to let liquid drain properly. The basement walls have one coat of DryLok paint on them, and soon will have another. We see that water is still leaking into the basement though. We need to concentrate on the outside ground before we frame anything in the basement.


I have a date on Thursday. A woman that I dance with came up to me the other day and asked me for a date. I said yes, and we will have a nice meal at one of my favorite Vietnamese restaurants that serves traditional “street vendor style” food.  I have met this woman once before, at a friend’s birthday party. She actually has been around my new circle of friends for a very long time, and I have just never connected with her at any of the large gatherings.

She might be a bit woo woo for me, but a friendly date that could turn into a nice friendship is not unwelcome.

My new goal for myself though, is to go on a date with someone that I have approached, not with someone that has approached me, or a blind date. The few women I have been on dates with since my wife died have all approached me in some form or another. I really feel that ecstatic dance, and the contact improvisation dance jam, is helping me get the self-esteem and self-worth to encourage myself to be bold.

There is a woman at the contact improv that I would like to ask out on a date. I found out she has a child, so I automatically wanted to remove her from the dating pool.  That’s just another excuse I can tell myself instead of gathering the courage to ask her out. It’s just a date, not a wedding proposal.

You Can Dance... For Inspiration - first line from Madonna's song "Into the Groove"

Monday, March 5, 2012

A Small Stone Marker.

We decided on a stone color called “Elite Green”

A simple stone marker with her name and years of birth and death. A simple rose on one side.

Her ashes will be placed near her father,  grandfather and grandmother, and many other family members.

Many in the direct lineage never reached 45 years old in this family. With the death of my wife, and no children between us, this is the end for this strain of EDS for this family.  My wife’s brother did not inherit the disease, and he has not passed it his daughter.

The funeral director in this small town grew up with my wife’s father, and it was a joy to hear some old stories of his wild youth. It’s always a treat for my wife’s brother to hear about his father.


My father-in-law had asked me to bring my wife’s ashes on Saturday, just in case the funeral home wanted them right away. They didn’t.  I had already prepared my in-laws that I didn’t want to bring the ashes back home with me. My mother-in-law understood, and they took the ashes home with them. I think it will be good for them both to sit with the ashes for the next month while the marker stone is being cut.


I spent the next few hours with just my brother-in-law. Sitting in his garage. It can be extremely hard for me to talk with him sometimes. I see and hear my wife in so many of his facial expressions, thought processes, speech patterns……..


I woke up on Sunday morning and went to my normal ecstatic dance. I was overcome with grief when I realized this was the first morning I had woken up without my wife in the house. I realize we are just talking about ashes, but the significance was almost unbearable.

I feel rather numb since Sunday morning

Friday, March 2, 2012

A Weekend of Black Stone Heart and Mind

Tomorrow I meet with my in-laws to plan a final last memorial for my wife.

It will feel good, but painful.  I’ll bring my old man hanky and have a good cry.  I still hurt.


I worked for 20 years at my previous job. Yup, straight out of High School, I joined a Union and was earning a family wage at 18 years old.  It was hard, physical work. My body was being torn apart. I met my wife, and she gently encouraged me to be easier on my body. I started working more in the office instead of on the production floor. I was eventually promoted to a supervisor position of overseeing 1 person (myself).  It was still hard work, but now I worked the old noggin instead of the old back.

At the 20 year mark, with my wife’s support, I quit my job in pursuit of another career. I landed in an incredible family owned business, and I am just about to pass the 5 year mark with them.  


The house is slowly driving me crazy. Since I haven’t moved into the home yet, my insurance company mailed me a Notice of Cancellation that was also sent to my mortgage lender. I’ve called my insurance agent, and she will hopefully straighten everything out.

The house is completely unlivable right now. Even the upstairs kitchen and bath have been removed. When we tore off the remaining drywall in the basement, we found more shoddy wiring work and corroded pipes. We are now re-wiring and re-plumbing the entire house. Even the water drain lines needed to be replaced.  On the bright side though, I have re-configured the entire basement, and it should be great when it’s done. I’ll have spent my whole retirement nest egg on it, but what the heck, it will look great and outlast me.


I guess I’m just trying to get through the weekend with my brain and heart turned off. Tomorrow will be an emotional train wreck…..And I don’t want to bring my wife’s urn back home with me. 

Bauhaus- Black Stone Heart- Peter Murphy