Today is my late wife’s birthday. She would have been 44 years old today.
I don’t have much to say about it. The tears are flowing easily. The loss of a deep connection. One-sided now.
I miss her. I miss our connection.
This Saturday, my in-laws and I are spreading some of her ashes at the family cemetery. We have a flat stone plaque that will be near her biological father who also died at a young age from the same disease.
Tonight at my regular Wednesday night dance, I will be seeing WWW.
It’s rather strange how the last few days have changed my thoughts. I was adamant about not sharing a bed with her when I wrote Monday’s blog post. Today, I feel ambivalent…
My wife and I had such a deep connection; I fear I will never meet another woman with her strength and charisma. So why bother looking? I can remain basically single with WWW and spend the night with her every so often. I could be selfish with my heart. Heck, I could even still date other women, with WWW’s encouragement! I could close my soul, keep this darkness barely held back. I could keep my grief close to the unsteady surface, instead of using it as a rock solid building block of a new life.
I could use WWW as an escape from the real world, and what little tenderness and connection I show her would still be more than most people ever experience.
Good lord, I sound like an egotistical blow-hard, wallowing in self-righteous pity. This is a disgusting post.