I Came to Dance

I went on a buying spree for building materials last night. Gathered up enough materials to generate a bill that equals three and one-half months’ worth of take home pay.  I was nauseous as we went over the list. The funny thing is, we didn’t end up buying any of it. My General Contractor didn’t get the price break he wanted, so we walked out of the store. Apparently these stores will wheel and deal a lot more with the contractors. But we did get a full list of items we need, and I got a taste of what it will really cost when we pull the trigger on buying all of it. The list didn’t include any appliances, and I am going to order kitchen cabinets today that will cost about 1.5 months’ worth of salary. Wow. Nice cabinets though!

I’ve gotten past the point of freaking out about the cost. I will be (already am) broke, but I won’t need to do anything more to the house except general upkeep. I’m also splurging on the initially expensive high-efficiency LED lighting so my utility cost should stay fairly low. I still think I’ve done the right decision on the house.

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I wasn’t able to make it to my regular Wednesday night dance class last night, and I really missed it. They have Ecstatic Dance in most major cities in North America. Sometimes it is called Soul Motion Dance. Usually the dances are held in yoga studios as they have nice open floors and usually a sound system.  I’ve often thought how much fun it would be to travel the countryside in an RV and rent space in dance studios, grange halls, or old ballrooms to hold a dance in some small town. All it takes is 5-6 people, a decent speaker system, and my laptop pre-loaded with the music. I could easily imagine a modest cover charge that would pay the space rental cost. It would have to be pretty small towns though. A quick Google search for “ecstatic dance”, “soul motion” or “5rhythms” will probably bring up something near you. 

What I find interesting about these dances, is the kind of people that go to them. I have met doctors and construction workers. I have met a nationally ranked Mixed Martial Arts Fighter. I met an older man with crippled legs that danced on crutches. I’ve met young families with small children that run around interacting with everyone. And you know something? It is also interesting in who I Don’t meet at these events. There seems to be a self-regulating process that weeds out the people that don’t have good intentions at the dance. These people may come once, but they seldom come back until they are ready to interact with the other dancers with respect. I find it amazing.

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I have another date with The Woo Woo woman  tonight. I seem to be drawn towards her quietness. It’s different than the quietness of Blind Date woman. 

I also don’t think Woo Woo is actually looking for “a relationship” in the standard sense. I get the impression she would like to hang out with me, but she would also want the freedom and space to hang out with whomever she pleases. This might be another good transition for me.

It can be a wonderful life..... if I let it.

What a difference a few days makes.

On Friday night I went to a special Contact Improv Dance Jam at a different studio that I have never been to before.  It was very strange. When I first got there, I was the youngest person in the room. I was happy though, to recognize a few faces from some of the other dance activities I frequent.

The facilitator then had us sit in a circle and handed out blindfolds. Yup, blindfolds. It was voluntary to wear them, but since I was in for a penny, I went in for a pound and wore the blindfold. I was a bit creeped out for the first 20-30 minutes. The improv dance was nothing like what I had previously experienced. I was used to standing up, meeting a fellow dancer with eye contact to gauge approachability, keeping some distance for a few minutes as we moved together, and perhaps moving closer as we both agree to the terms of the dance.

With blindfolds on, we stayed on the ground, with a strange random slow feeling  and rolling around action. It was rather like a bunch of horny old people indiscriminately groping each other. I wasn’t actually groped or fondled in inappropriate areas, but the “feeling” of it was quite strong, especially in the first 20 minutes or so. Several times a got on my knees in Child’s Pose and just pushed myself backwards out of the circle to give myself some space. The facilitator was really great in checking in with me to gauge my comfortability level.

Once I eased myself into it, and let go of some fears, it was actually quite nice. And it was quite sensual as I rolled around on the floor with a rather sexy woman maybe five years my senior.  It’s difficult to guess though, as I look about 10 years younger than I actually am.  I accidentally took home the blindfold, so I need to go back again…. You know…. Just to return the blindfold.

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And If I thought Friday night was strange…….

After a nice breakfast with my hiking partner and picking out paint samples for the house, I met with a fellow dancer friend for coffee. She invited me to a party later that night, and since she lives so far out of town, we decided to hang out early.

The party. It was quite crazy. It was a dress-up party with an Alice in Wonderland theme. I got the memo late that it was a dress up party, so I went as a character from before Alice went into the looking glass and down the rabbit hole…. Just normal street clothes.

There were many people from the dance community here. I recognized more than a dozen faces….people I have danced with, but never actually spoken to.  It was really fun, and making new connections has been one of my goals this year.  It was great to put some names and voices to faces.  The crowd itself is very warm and welcoming, although perhaps a bit higher on the woo woo and Burning Man scale than I normally would hang out with.

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Sunday morning found me at my regular dance class, along with many of the people from Friday and Saturday night. The good morning Hello’s were more frequent, the hugs a little warmer. It was very nice.

They played the Brother Iz song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" during the dance. As soon as the opening notes were strummed on the ukulele, the emotion was too great.  I had to leave the room.  I sat in the foyer listening to the music, and hearing the hundreds of voices singing along. We played this song at my wife's memorial service. The name of the album this song is on is called "Facing Future". It was one of her favorite albums the last year of her life.

And at the end of the dance, a fellow dancer invited me to a new Men’s Group that was having its second meeting on Monday night.  Of course I said I would go.

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I had already arranged to take Monday off work so I could get some building materials and design decisions made on the house.  Found some awesome discontinued tile for only  $0.38 per square foot. Enough to tile quite a bit of the basement.  The day went by too quickly but I am feeling better about the house.

Yes, the house is bleeding me dry, but it will look great and I will be able to get roommates in pretty quickly after it is finished. I think I have made peace with the process…at least this week.

Monday night arrived it was time to head to the address listed for the Men’s Group. I wasn’t sure what to expect. The group lists over 45 members. When I got there, I was the only the 3^rd person to show up. There eventually were 8 men.

The meeting went well enough, for strangers getting to know each other. The facilitator kept things moving well, and there were great topics that were brought up. I will be going back again.

My life is good, and I should be good with that.

 Israel "IZ" Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole  "Over the Rainbow" and "What a Wonderful World" 

A Small Stone Marker.

We decided on a stone color called “Elite Green”

A simple stone marker with her name and years of birth and death. A simple rose on one side.

Her ashes will be placed near her father,  grandfather and grandmother, and many other family members.

Many in the direct lineage never reached 45 years old in this family. With the death of my wife, and no children between us, this is the end for this strain of EDS for this family.  My wife’s brother did not inherit the disease, and he has not passed it his daughter.

The funeral director in this small town grew up with my wife’s father, and it was a joy to hear some old stories of his wild youth. It’s always a treat for my wife’s brother to hear about his father.

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My father-in-law had asked me to bring my wife’s ashes on Saturday, just in case the funeral home wanted them right away. They didn’t.  I had already prepared my in-laws that I didn’t want to bring the ashes back home with me. My mother-in-law understood, and they took the ashes home with them. I think it will be good for them both to sit with the ashes for the next month while the marker stone is being cut.

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I spent the next few hours with just my brother-in-law. Sitting in his garage. It can be extremely hard for me to talk with him sometimes. I see and hear my wife in so many of his facial expressions, thought processes, speech patterns……..

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I woke up on Sunday morning and went to my normal ecstatic dance. I was overcome with grief when I realized this was the first morning I had woken up without my wife in the house. I realize we are just talking about ashes, but the significance was almost unbearable.

I feel rather numb since Sunday morning

A Weekend of Black Stone Heart and Mind

Tomorrow I meet with my in-laws to plan a final last memorial for my wife.

It will feel good, but painful.  I’ll bring my old man hanky and have a good cry.  I still hurt.

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I worked for 20 years at my previous job. Yup, straight out of High School, I joined a Union and was earning a family wage at 18 years old.  It was hard, physical work. My body was being torn apart. I met my wife, and she gently encouraged me to be easier on my body. I started working more in the office instead of on the production floor. I was eventually promoted to a supervisor position of overseeing 1 person (myself).  It was still hard work, but now I worked the old noggin instead of the old back.

At the 20 year mark, with my wife’s support, I quit my job in pursuit of another career. I landed in an incredible family owned business, and I am just about to pass the 5 year mark with them.  

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The house is slowly driving me crazy. Since I haven’t moved into the home yet, my insurance company mailed me a Notice of Cancellation that was also sent to my mortgage lender. I’ve called my insurance agent, and she will hopefully straighten everything out.

The house is completely unlivable right now. Even the upstairs kitchen and bath have been removed. When we tore off the remaining drywall in the basement, we found more shoddy wiring work and corroded pipes. We are now re-wiring and re-plumbing the entire house. Even the water drain lines needed to be replaced.  On the bright side though, I have re-configured the entire basement, and it should be great when it’s done. I’ll have spent my whole retirement nest egg on it, but what the heck, it will look great and outlast me.

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I guess I’m just trying to get through the weekend with my brain and heart turned off. Tomorrow will be an emotional train wreck…..And I don’t want to bring my wife’s urn back home with me. 

Bauhaus- Black Stone Heart- Peter Murphy

Best. Massage. Ever.With FEET! like as in toes, and heels and arches, and balls of the foot!

Ashiatsu Oriental Bar Therapy

Seriously. I’ve had a massage almost continuously every 6-8 weeks for the last 20 years from a multitude of massage therapists. This was the best I’ve ever had. I may need to switch every other massage with this.  I’ve been seeing the same massage therapist for about 6 years, so I’m not willing to switch completely.

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Tonight, I’m going to that new (new to me) dance class called Contact Improv. It will be interesting to see if it is as much fun the second time. I bought some lightweight kneepads, (the kind cheerleaders use) to help as I bang around on the hardwood floor.

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I’ve written about guilt a few times in past posts. The guilt that my life is moving forward in a really positive way that may not have happened when my wife was alive. Our life was fairly idyllic together. We had no real pressing wants or needs. We were able to float through life with the happy acceptance of everything.

When my wife died, and I had to look closer within myself to keep from going crazy, the guilt started to build. I was expanding myself, opening myself to look deeper. With the unrealistic thought of how horrible I was not to dig deeper and open wider with the relationship with my wife. What did I miss out on with her? What did I deny her of knowing? The guilt that our incredibly beautiful and loving relationship could possibly have been even better. Yes, unrealistic feelings.  We had a wonderful relationship that was extremely fulfilling for both of us. I am thankful and blessed for our lives being intertwined.

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Molding to the Body Electric

Found the mold

The main water pipe coming into the house had a slow leak right at the foundation, keeping everything wet, but not enough leaking enough to noticeably see it through the sheetrock or flooring.  We found it only because I wanted a whole house water filter installed. We’ve ripped out one room of the basement already, and will open up a few more walls.

The concrete foundation is solid and looks good. We think the mold problem is a result of how the basement was framed in. They used 2X6 boards right up against the concrete, with heavy duty insulating foam board tightly glued to the wall and packed between the studs . We think they sealed it up too air-tight so there was nowhere for the normal moisture and humidity to go from the concrete foundation wall.

We may rip out all of the 2X6 boards and replace with metal studs and standard insulation held away from the wall for some breathing space, after we seal the wall.

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Last night, I went to a “contact” style of dance.  It was very physical and challenging. My body is very sore today. The gist of it is you lean into a partner as they lean into you, moving gently with the flow.

We touch shoulders and just leaned in, each slowly moving in opposite circles like two cogs in a machine. We locked arms and leaned back as a matter of trust. We rolled on the floor, putting our full weight on each other. There was pseudo leg wrestling. There were human pyramids.  There were simple gymnastic and acrobatic moves against each other.

It was kind of like slow motion wrestling, but without the aggression of trying to “win” anything or end up in any particular position.

The dance was filled with men and women, with no distinction for a dance partner. I did find the movement with other men was a bit harder and physical, gently testing each other’s strength and balance constantly. Dancing with the women was much slower and smoother, sensual without being sexual. At times there were three or four people moving together in a big pile. At one point a woman that was well into her 60’s laid on her back as her feet balanced my hips, and her arms supported my shoulders….I floated in the air supported by her strength. Amazing feeling of floating and letting go.

Why am I doing something like this?  Because I long for touch.  I long for connection. The dance  builds my confidence, raises my self-esteem, allows me to see myself as a beautiful and desirable human being.

I will be going back next week.

End of Lethargic Apathy for the time being

Wow, the 40^th birthday party for my friend was incredibly fun on Friday night. The evening didn’t progress to having people share, so my written bit that I posted about Friday was not recited.

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I have a friend that owns a vintage clothing/antique store downtown. He sort of knows my hiking partner from years ago, so the three of us went out for breakfast and then out to an antique show at the county fairgrounds. There were about 600 vendors.

It was nice to get the two friends together and see them connect a bit. They ran in different crowds growing up, but we were such a small city back then, the downtown crowds intermingled constantly. It is always interesting to watch people interact when there is no connection between them, but they have a multitude of mutual friends and experiences.

A good day was had by all. My hiking partner indulged his other hobby of photography, and got some amazing shots of all the different vintage items. My vintage clothing friend picked up a few items for his shop. I had a great time as well.

I barely got home from antiquing when it was time to go to another party. This seemed to be a family themed affair, as there were more than a handful of young toddlers running around. The party ended around 11 PM. There was a great funk band playing in town, so a bunch of us went and danced the funk out of our rear ends for a couple of hours. Whew! That was fun.

Sunday is usually hippie dance church, but I really needed to do some laundry and I had a dinner party at 5 o’clock so I skipped it.  The dinner party was for the Widows/Widowers monthly dinner gathering. I had skipped last month, and there were new faces I had not met yet. I instantly fell into the facilitator roll again. I was asking members questions so the newcomers could hear the answers. That is usually my schtick. I will ask a question I already know the answer to, but I think it will help the newcomer, and the member also has to soul search for the answer. This gives all members pause to reflect and talk on what is their response to my question, and all newcomers to see the varying space of acceptance and growth.

I caught myself doing the facilitating, so after I asked for an opening round of introductions, I quit asking questions. The dinner once again became an event with strangers talking about the weather. I should be ok with that, right? I need to let it go. Time for me to move on.

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I left the dinner party early, as I attended my very first Kirtan that was incredibly beautiful. A kirtan is a call and response type of meditative group chanting.  The friend who just turned 40 took me.

I will be doing this again. It was really hard to describe. It was peaceful, yet invigorating. I even got up to dance with a handful of other people.

At the end of the kirtan, as my friend and I were leaving the building, we took a back way out and ended up alone in a stairwell. I took the opportunity to finally share with my friend.

It was very warmly received, with much love and hugs.

It really does seem to come down to being willing to connect, and willing to accept connections with others.

I felt wonderful letting her know how much she has inspired me, and she felt wonderful learning she has touched a life.

An Electric Word, Life

Tonight I am going to a 40^th birthday party for a friend. Quite a few people will be getting up and doing a “bit” in front of the audience. Some people will sing a song, others will recite their poetry, a performance art skit thrown in somewhere, and a general mish-mash of artistic showiness.

I have always been an observer at these group gatherings. Standing up and doing something… a “bit” in front of these people that love and support me is incredibly terrifying.

I would like to push my boundaries tonight, and stand up, and do a bit.

Below is what I would like to say. What do you think? It’s kind of a downer I think for a birthday party.

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Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate this thing called life. Electric word, life. It means forever and that's a mighty long time…..

Happy Birthday XXXX, and Thank you for being exactly who you are.

 For everyone in this room. YOU are one of our favorite people.

YOU ARE Electric! And Full of Life.

And what does that mean to me?

*Because this whole party is all about me. Right?*

It means you have become a silent teacher for me.

You have unknowingly encouraged me to Stand Up! Feel The Music! Feel That Pulse of Life!

Cast off that self-doubt. Lift up my voice and sing with abandon …and be heard by others!  Embrace myself with my lightness AND my darkness.

To Make…A….Connection….with………..others.

All with a wink and a smile that holds a secret joy that promises there is more to be learned about this Electric word, life.

(PAUSE)

I’ve been asking myself a few questions lately……

Are you the Favorite Person of Anybody?

How sure of that are you?

Very Certain?      Somewhat Certain?        Or, you think so?

(PAUSE)

I used to know the answer to that question.

So now I ask myself, How can I become my own favorite person?

And for me, the answer to THAT starts with the question of “ Who Am I ?”

And maybe even a deeper question…..

“Now that I am not the favorite person of Anybody, Who am I now?”

(PAUSE)

I don’t know how to answer any of those questions. But I’m working on it.

As we all do, I struggle to look deep within myself.

To Define myself.

To find that Passion and Purpose.

To live a life that is Full, and Electric.

So I look to you, This group, This Clan, This Family….

Help me express What becoming your own favorite person means to you ?

Help all of us answer the question of “Who Am I, Now?”

looking within to see a small glimmer of something

Went to an Ecstatic Dance class last night, and I was watching a person that used to be very shy and withdrawn. This person was alive last night! Their body was moving wild with abandon, eye contact with other dancers, and physical interaction with others as dance partners.

I was very happy for them….and quite jealous.  I long to open myself to allow the eye contact, and physical connection with the other dancers. Something within myself keeps me withdrawn and isolated.

I think it goes back to the feeling of loss and becoming an empty shell of what I once was.  I don’t want people to get too close to me, for fear they find out there is really nothing inside. 

Back to that old mantra of finding Purpose and Passion. I have nothing in my life that moves me now.

As much as I hate to rely on materialistic trappings of consumerism, I think this house might just be a helpful boost.

It doesn’t address my shyness and unwillingness to let others in my mind, but it might give me a small focus at least.

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So what stops me from making deeper contact with people? My wife and I had that connection with ourselves and our closest friends, why can’t I move that expression forward with my new life?

Why is that fear of rejection so strong in me?

Portishead- Sour Times- Dummy

Giving Yourself Permission to Forgive Yourself

I’m not feeling 100% healthy today and I have a company dinner tonight I should attend.  I don’t NEED to attend, but I’m a cheapskate and can’t turn down a free meal. Besides, it will force me to stay on this side of town after work and get some grocery shopping done.

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There is another wonderful post by Becky over at InterstellarOrchard  about Giving Yourself Permission. So very hard for me!  I would also add Forgiving Yourself for Past Mistakes to the list of difficult things for me to do.

So very often I am held back for lack of self-permission or guilt over past experiences.  A great example of this was last Sunday night. I went to a singer/songwriter event at a private residence. A bunch of people sharing poems, writings, songs….a wonderful exchange of non-judgmental  expression.

I just sat there and listened. I had a great time. But what would have happened if I stood up in front of my peers and sang a little song  “a cappella” ? I have so much fear of standing alone and expressing myself! All eyes directed on me!

These people don’t care if I can sing well, or if I sound like Oscar the Grouch. Lord knows there were plenty of people there that night that couldn’t carry a tune… but they got up anyway. .I know I can sing.  I can sing Karaoke like nobody’s business. I sing in a garage band with a bunch of other middle aged Tech guys. I’m not a great singer, but I can carry a tune.

So why can’t I give myself permission to stand up in front of a warm and caring group of friends that support and encourage me every day? What past failure might be keeping me in my seat?

How often does this lack of permission and forgiveness affect my daily routine? What else in life am I missing out on? Am I blocking off entire possible life paths because of a lack of permission? How high could I soar with permission and forgiveness? How open towards life could I become?

What do you do?

I went to B.D.’s party last night. It was a bit overwhelming and definitely not the kind of crowd I normally move in. There were fancy haircuts, fancy shoes, and plenty of turned up noses. If I had to guess what most of the attendee’s favorite pastime was, I would guess “making more money”.

B.D. is comfortable in this crowd. I am not. I made the most of it, and tried to be engaging and talkative. Didn’t work out so much. I was pretty darn quiet. Especially when the first question on people’s lips is “what do you do?”. 

 

Hrmm…. What do I do?

And of course my over-active mind didn’t hear the question of “What do you do so you can eat”, but rather, “What do you do to make you, you?”

Great question. Difficult answer.

What is it that I do, that makes me, me? Sure, I do yoga, hike, karaoke, hippie dance church…..but what else? What do I do to nurture my soul? I’ve done more gentle holding of my soul than nurturing the last 3 years.  What do I do? I see a shrink every week. I used to see a hospice grief support group twice a month. I go to a young widows and widowers support dinner once a month.   

Is that who I am? When my wife was alive, it never seemed to be a question that needed answered. I was Husband, Best Friend, Confidant, Lover. Part of a Team. There was no need to ask “what do you do?”

The question of “Who Am I Now?”  is so very difficult for me to answer.

What makes you, you?

skidding on the Plateau, slamming into the Wall

When life is in turmoil, my first reaction is to curl up on the couch and escape into television or mindless web surfing. I am currently in that mode, and am having a difficult time finding the motivation to do the daily tasks and chores.

Oh, don’t get me wrong… if there is some social activity to engage in I am happy as can be. I’m just at another plateau and the next hurdle is slamming me in the forehead.

My dating life is taking the hit. The relationship with my wife was such a deep connection, with lively and fun interaction...our wants and needs blending so well together….and that type of connection is something we worked on strengthening all of the time.  So now I feel if I don’t have that strong connection right away with someone, it’s not worth pursuing. I realize the fallacy of that, but I still can’t seem to get over it. Why expend all that energy and emotion on someone if I don’t “feel it” right away? Ahhh…. My brain tells me I should spend that energy and emotion on strengthening myself and everything will fall into place. I need to be my own favorite person. My Passion and Purpose should be within myself, and not wrapped up in someone else.

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Friday night I went to the home of a friend for a singer/songwriter jam fest. I have had the biggest physical attraction to this woman for over 2 years. But I know it isn’t worth pursuing. At least I think so. We are going to hang out together alone on Thursday. We have always been in a group when we meet, so the interaction will be interesting.

Saturday morning found me lazy and unmotivated. I literally lounged around feeling sorry for myself and surfed the web all day until late in the afternoon. Saturday night found me listening to a friend sing Christmas carols at a wine bar. It was a great time, and my friend was very well received by the customers. I met a friend of hers that is a doctor in Canada, but only works 3 weeks on, 2 weeks off, and has a house here in town.  Wow, what a life!

Sunday morning was incredibly lazy again. I forced myself up and to at least get out of the house. I had plans in the early afternoon to meet some dear friends from out of town. This couple was very close to my wife, and were considered family. They have been extremely supportive and encouraging to me these past 3 years. We ended up having dinner and I invited B.D along.  This was a huge big step. It felt surprisingly ok. 

Can I move forward? Maybe the question is…. Do I want to?

Missing She & Him

Some days are easier than others.

There is absolutely no reason why the darkness settled down on me last night.

Yesterday was a roller coaster in the housing department. There is a Short Sale home I have been looking at for over 8 months that I am in second position for. The banks finally agreed to sell at a set price, and the buyer in first position indicated he no longer wanted it. My realtor pounced and we gathered up the appropriate paperwork and sent it in. At the eleventh hour, the first buyer changed his mind and decided to purchase the property a scant hour before the deadline.  Frustration.

Went home to a freezing cold apartment with drafty 100 year old windows and promptly started popping the circuit breakers when I turned on some space heaters. Apparently every outlet and every light switch is on one line. Wonderful. There is very little water pressure in the house, so the shower just barely gives out enough water to rinse my hair. The bathroom sink U-pipe is almost completely plugged.  I love my new apartment.

But I am able to walk just a few blocks to a wonderfully vibrant street filled with activities. I met some friends for Happy Hour drinks and the bar was sponsoring a “Trivia Night” so we joined in and held our own and came in 4^th place.

Maybe it was the two whiskey drinks, but as I walked home the grief started to settle down on me. I crawled into bed and wept. My life used to be so simple and filled with constant joy with tenderness and love.  Now, I don’t see the need to try and heat the apartment just for myself. The blocked drain is fine, it’s only me using it. Heck, even the shower isn’t a big deal since I don’t really need to be that clean for anyone. Why unpack everything? …………….I need to break out of this dip of negative emotion and get myself positive again!

Tonight I will start the final cleaning up the old apartment for an hour or so, and then I should get myself to the Wednesday night Hippie Dance. Push my body and sweat it out.

She & Him are Zooey Deschanel & M. Ward

But all i got is a photograph

I started moving some framed pictures, photo albums, and other mementos into the new apartment last night. I was making good time packing things away until I got to our wedding photo album. It seems like a lifetime ago, and a bit surreal as if those wonderful times were really just a dream and never happened.  The reality of life came crushing back as I picked up the urn containing her ashes. That darkness from the early days came rushing back as I sat on the floor staring at most of what was physically left of my marriage.  A few photo albums, several CD’s filled with travel photos, some paperwork, and a box with her name on it.

I gathered myself up off the floor and continued on. I got the items packed into the car and drove down the street with tears still in my eyes. One grows accustomed to driving with watery eyes after a few years.  As I carried my wife’s ashes up the stairs to the new apartment, I was reminded of my intention to have some type of memorial created for my wife’s birthday in the spring.

Ev'ry time I see your face,

It reminds me of the places we used to go.

But all I've got is a photograph,

And I realise you're not coming back anymore.

I can't get used to living here,

While my heart is broke, my tears I cried for you.

I want you here to have and hold,

As the years go by and we grow old and grey

Ringo Starr - Photograph - co-written by that other Beatles guy George Harrison

A Satisfied Mind

Did some Karaoke last night. Only sang two songs, neither were fun, nor  did I sing them very well.

I really like the song “A Satisfied Mind” by Red Foley. The karaoke bar had a version by Porter Wagoner that was a bit slower and rather boring. It was a real groaner for the audience.

My second song was “Photograph” by Ringo Starr. Upbeat song tempo, depressing lyrics. My friends were looking at me curiously as I sang this, looking for deeper meaning from me as a widower. There wasn’t any deeper meaning, I just like to sing new songs but this one didn’t translate well into karaoke and it was the second groaner of the night.

I took some tchotchke’s  to the new apartment last night. My first load of many.

The carpets were cleaned and there is way too much moisture in the house now. I tried to open some windows to let the moisture out but none of the windows would open. The house was painted a few weeks ago, and every single window has been painted shut on the outside. Joy. I was finally able to open one small window. The landlord says she will get the windows opened soon.

Tonight I will be hitting the Paint store for some supplies.

I plan to get the room ready to paint tonight, with painting on Saturday and dancing that evening with some friends. I think we are going to an 80’s night. Sunday will have me moving more items and then a date with B.D. in the evening. Maybe I should bring my camping bed over  and set it up in the front room….

Once again, as my activity level remains high, my mental outlook remains positive. My self-esteem seems to be slowly creeping upwards as well. I am encouraged with this move. More closure and one more step towards living life again. 

I feel satisfied right now.

Porter Wagoner- A satisfied mind - grand ole opry

Aint no sunshine when she's gone

Went to look at the house yesterday with my realtor and the selling agent had removed the keylock for the home. That’s right. We couldn’t get into the house. And the selling agent was not answering her cell. We still spent a good hour checking over the property looking at siding, the outbuildings, and checking window sill rot. Lots of window sill rot. Like every window. Like pushing a finger through the wood, wondering how the glass plane has not fallen out kind or rot. A closer look at the outbuildings show a haphazard building style, predominantly comprised of 2 foot lengths of 2x4 bolted together to form 12+ foot support beams. DIY wiring projects everywhere. The previous owner was very handy with modifications that probably worked great 30 years ago, not so great today.

The universe is telling me something. I better listen. I’ve canceled the buying process on this house.

I need to look into why I want to move from my current situation so badly. Some of the benefits of staying where I am include:

1.       No yard work

2.       Within walking distance to one of the best neighborhoods in the city.

3.       Biking distance to a few other neighborhoods, including downtown.

4.       Relatively low rent compared to home ownership taxes and full utilities.

5.       Very nice remodeling of a basement living space of 600 sq ft.

Some of the disadvantages of staying when I am include:

1.       Crazy landlord

2.       Crazy landlord

3.       Lack of storage

4.       Difficult to entertain quietly (especially overnight guests)

5.       Basement living is not the best for sunlight and positive thinking.

6.       Lack of dishwasher and oven (have a stove top only, and a fancy kitchen faucet won’t easily allow a portable dishwasher hookup)

Really? Does it really only come down to I can’t have my stereo up loud and a dishwasher? If I want sunlight, get outside! Sure, I’m spending about $250 more a month in rent than I would if I had to pay property tax and full utilities, so most of my “rent” money goes to bills I would still need to pay if I owned my house outright, without a mortgage.

Sure, a sense of self-worth and accomplishment can be tied into home ownership. But maybe I just need to find that (here we go again) Passion and Purpose elsewhere in life?

I’m sure there are many more pros and cons I could list, but those were just the surface issues that came up quickly.

Pick up the Pieces

A comment on a previous post got me thinking of what I’ve shared so far on this blog. It may sound as if I’ve been wallowing in self-pity and despair, but there have also been some profound expansion in my psyche.  I admit it has not been an easy road since my wife’s death, and the old cliché of two steps forwards, one step back, easily sums up my life these last few years.

The most amazing realization to me, is how my grief is allowing me to work on parts of myself that have always needed attention, even before I was married.  I’ve talked with many older people that had lost Significant Others at a young age, and one of the common experiences I hear is that these people feel they have become better humans beings through the grief process. It’s not that they were glad their S.O. had died, but rather they learned to look deeper into themselves and others. Not so surprisingly, most of these folks have a deep spiritual calmness. These people are my new role models.

I do intend to hold open my heart for growth. I am actively stretching my social uneasiness. Gently allowing myself to open my feelings to new relationships. Opening my awareness of other possible paths.

 I also see many young people that are grieving in such a way that it has consumed them. They are bitter, dejected and waiting for time to pass. They keep themselves so closed off  from all emotion except the feeling of loss and emptiness. These people are also my new role models. I need them to show me the path I do not want.

Memories Fade but the Scars Still Linger

Going to a monthly dinner for Young Widows and Widowers tonight. I’ve been going every month since November 2008. There are 6 new people coming today. We are not a structured support group with a trained facilitator, but rather a social group for people with similar situations. With 6 new people coming today, with fresh and raw emotions, it could be an emotionally difficult dinner. We’ve never had 6 new people at once before.

There is a wonderful bulletin board forum for young widows/widowers that was very helpful to me early on. They even have a chat room that saved my sanity a few times in the wee hours of the morning.

www.ywbb.org/

I don’t want my widowhood to define who I am. I do not want to be a victim of this. I want to grow and expand as a human being through this experience. I want to become a better person because of this. I want my self-esteem back. I want to feel worthwhile again. I want to be able to stand straight and hold my head high.

Sorry for such a bummer post today. I had dinner last night with a woman that I dated over this last winter. We dated for 6 months. It was a good and healthy relationship. I ended it a few months ago because I freaked out about developing feelings for another woman other than my wife. Yes, it needs to happen eventually. But I wonder if I will ever be ready for true intimacy and connection again. I certainly hope to have it again.

Tears for Fears The Hurting Memories Fade But The Scars Still Linger

Dough Balls of Confusion

Maybe it all boils down to needing the right kind of excitement in my life. I had a great weekend of a Friday night birthday party, a Saturday morning 7 mile hike to some breathtaking waterfalls, a late-night dinner party that ended with an hour-long midnight walk through downtown, and on Sunday morning an ecstatic dance class, a few hours of boring laundry and housework, and another hour-long walk after dinner with friends. Pretty busy weekend, and the activity level was just about perfect. Lots of movement, sweat, and there were even 4 (yes FOUR) doughnuts thrown in. Regular old-fashioned doughnuts, for the record.

I’m Flip-Flopping on my goals again. I keep finding great houses, but just a day or two late. There are investors jumping on these homes. Again, there doesn’t seem to be any housing crisis in the normal urban working class neighborhoods. The rougher neighborhoods and the middle-upper suburban neighborhoods seem to have the stagnate housing sales.

With that said, I am putting a backup offer on yet another house. It needs lots of work, but it could work out great. And it has a really nice covered RV carport!

Finding Purpose and Passion

My life was shattered and destroyed October 2008.
Passion and Purpose was removed from my life in the space of time it took me to get out of bed and walk halfway down the hallway to the bathroom. It's not that I didn't expect it one day, I just didn't expect it so soon.

I've spent the last 2.5 years trying to redefine who I am.

It is the age old question of "who am I, and why am I here?" that all human beings ask of themselves at some point in their lives.

So here I am at 43 years of age. I've lost the most important person in my life, sold my home,distanced myself from my previous life, and feeling lost along the path.

I belong to a club that is usually reserved for older people. The membership initiation is way too steep, and you can't ever have your membership revoked.  Every major city and small town has members.The members of this club used to be somebody's favorite person, and that somebody was our favorite person as well. 

When our favorite person dies, we are automatically enrolled in the "Widows and Widowers Club", no paperwork necessary to join.

My wife, my Passion and Purpose, died on October 2008 at 40 years of age due to a genetic disease.