Thursday, January 5, 2012

looking within to see a small glimmer of something

Went to an Ecstatic Dance class last night, and I was watching a person that used to be very shy and withdrawn. This person was alive last night! Their body was moving wild with abandon, eye contact with other dancers, and physical interaction with others as dance partners.

I was very happy for them….and quite jealous.  I long to open myself to allow the eye contact, and physical connection with the other dancers. Something within myself keeps me withdrawn and isolated.

I think it goes back to the feeling of loss and becoming an empty shell of what I once was.  I don’t want people to get too close to me, for fear they find out there is really nothing inside. 

Back to that old mantra of finding Purpose and Passion. I have nothing in my life that moves me now.

As much as I hate to rely on materialistic trappings of consumerism, I think this house might just be a helpful boost.

It doesn’t address my shyness and unwillingness to let others in my mind, but it might give me a small focus at least.

So what stops me from making deeper contact with people? My wife and I had that connection with ourselves and our closest friends, why can’t I move that expression forward with my new life?

Why is that fear of rejection so strong in me?

Portishead- Sour Times- Dummy


  1. I've that same thing with not wanting anyone to get too close to me. I think it stems from a fear that they will abandon me or leave me. It's hard. But it sounds like you are pushing yourself, and that takes a lot of strength. Hang in there.

  2. You are so NOT an empty shell! But you have lost a lot. I think you are just in the process of an unwanted and forced reinvention. Don't be so hard on yourself. It just takes time.~T.