When life is in turmoil, my first reaction is to curl up on the couch and escape into television or mindless web surfing. I am currently in that mode, and am having a difficult time finding the motivation to do the daily tasks and chores.
Oh, don’t get me wrong… if there is some social activity to engage in I am happy as can be. I’m just at another plateau and the next hurdle is slamming me in the forehead.
My dating life is taking the hit. The relationship with my wife was such a deep connection, with lively and fun interaction...our wants and needs blending so well together….and that type of connection is something we worked on strengthening all of the time. So now I feel if I don’t have that strong connection right away with someone, it’s not worth pursuing. I realize the fallacy of that, but I still can’t seem to get over it. Why expend all that energy and emotion on someone if I don’t “feel it” right away? Ahhh…. My brain tells me I should spend that energy and emotion on strengthening myself and everything will fall into place. I need to be my own favorite person. My Passion and Purpose should be within myself, and not wrapped up in someone else.
Friday night I went to the home of a friend for a singer/songwriter jam fest. I have had the biggest physical attraction to this woman for over 2 years. But I know it isn’t worth pursuing. At least I think so. We are going to hang out together alone on Thursday. We have always been in a group when we meet, so the interaction will be interesting.
Saturday morning found me lazy and unmotivated. I literally lounged around feeling sorry for myself and surfed the web all day until late in the afternoon. Saturday night found me listening to a friend sing Christmas carols at a wine bar. It was a great time, and my friend was very well received by the customers. I met a friend of hers that is a doctor in Canada, but only works 3 weeks on, 2 weeks off, and has a house here in town. Wow, what a life!
Sunday morning was incredibly lazy again. I forced myself up and to at least get out of the house. I had plans in the early afternoon to meet some dear friends from out of town. This couple was very close to my wife, and were considered family. They have been extremely supportive and encouraging to me these past 3 years. We ended up having dinner and I invited B.D along. This was a huge big step. It felt surprisingly ok.
Can I move forward? Maybe the question is…. Do I want to?