Reality Hits You Hard

Got a call on my way home from work last night. My mother’s husband is in the hospital again

This guy is really working hard to use all of his allotted nine cat lives. They took him off the feeding tube and life support stuff, gave him a bit of morphine, and he spent the night relatively alert and talking and completely cognizant of the situation. As of this morning, he is still going strong. Not sure if he is eating or drinking though.

I still have a hard time entering hospitals. I paused at the doorway and felt the grief wash over me again. It passed fairly quickly and with just a tear or two. I met my mother and brother in the waiting room outside of the Intensive Care Unit. I won’t go into the room. I can’t look at anyone hooked up to the machines.

I won't go into the private "little room" where the doctor can give you updates. The little room is not for positive updates. I can't go in there.

I let my mother’s grief explode in her, giving her my shoulder and a warm hug. It’s quite hard for me to hear her speak words and phrases like “You know” and “You are the only one that knows how I feel”. No Mom, I don’t know how it feels. I know how I feel, and each of us feels differently. I just hug her tighter and say yes and nod my head.  I got her to drink some water and then I got some food from the cafeteria for her.

When my wife died, my vocabulary diminished down to one phrase: OK.

I said OK to everything asked of me. It was an answer, a question and expression of pain. I said OK as a statement when no one else was talking. I said OK to myself. I said OK to the wall.

My mother was saying OK a lot last night.

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I had canceled a date with B.D. last night, and she was very supportive. Tonight I will be going to my Widows and Widowers Support Group for the first time in months. This event seems to have triggered the need.

I expect a phone call today though, telling me he has passed on, and I will spend the evening with my Mother.  I don’t know if I have the emotional strength.

As the famous philosopher George Lindell once said. "Reality hits you hard, bro"