Monday, December 19, 2011

A Passing in the Night.

My mother’s husband died over the weekend. He was sick for a very long time and my mother has been caregiving for him.  Apparently hospice came to the house, told her he would only last a few more hours, handed her a slip of paper with some basic instructions and then said to call them if anything changes. And then the hospice worker left.

At least that is my mother’s interpretation of the events.

Apparently he did not have a peaceful passing.  My mother was alone with him, and she said he had a lot of pain and emotional torment at the end. She has been telling everyone that he died peacefully in his sleep. She told me this thinking I would understand since I was there alone with my wife when she died. I tried to reassure her that she shared this very private experience alone with her husband, and it was perfectly acceptable to keep that shared moment close to her heart and not feel obligated to share it with others, other than a counselor or shrink.

Went to my company holiday party with B.D. on Saturday night. She is a great dinner party companion.  Beautiful, engaged, smart and articulate….she can quietly impress with her strength and empowerment without being boastful. A true catch by anyone’s standards.

But it isn’t enough for me.

I am mostly drawn to her stability. She has a clear path and patient persistence towards her goals. She has a strong voice and carefully thought out opinions.

She also has a rigid and extremely quiet demeanor.  

Yes, she is opening up, and yes, I finally heard her give a hearty laugh…. But is there a strong enough connection for me?

No.  There just isn’t enough of a spark for me to be happy in the long term.

She is leaving for the holidays this week, and will return the first week of January She is drawing me closer into her life and while she has an extremely strong sense of self-preservation I don’t really want to be that guy that breaks things off right as she is stepping onto the plane to visit family. But maybe it would be better to talk now, so she can process while on a break from work and school?

Rod Stewart- Sailing


  1. I am sorry for your mom's loss. How unfortunate that she didn't feel supported by the hospice people. After all, that is at least one of the primary purposes of hospice. She really should not have been left alone if his death was imminent. Just my nurse 2 cents.
    From reading your blog, I get the impression that BD likes you more than you like her. I think it's kind of you to wait until after the holidays to say anything to her. I also think you are wise to listen to your feelings the way you do. It is so easy to hang with someone because it is comfortable and the person has nice qualities, even though we know they aren't the right person for the long run. I think we can end up missing the right opportunities when we do that. ~Tricia

  2. Tricia- Thank you for the kind and encouraging words.My mother has made some calls and will be talking with a therapist. I'll also wait until after the holidays to talk to B.D.
    Thank you for your input!