I have a reluctance to move any items into the new house. What is my hesitation?
The new path. The shift. The physical act of moving further away from my wife’s death. Acknowledging I have a new life. The unrealistic but very real guilt I feel at having this new life. How dare I enjoy this life. How dare I actually admit I feel like I am a better person since she died. All foolishness, I know.
Before my wife died, we talked about her expectations for my life after she was gone. She wants me to remarry. I have permission to be happy. I just need to accept it.
It was a weekend full of parties. Literally.
On Friday I had dinner with my mentor and with a beautiful and amazing woman who was also a complete train wreck. A very successful business owner that divulged a large amount of very horrific personal information. The three of us had a great dinner, and I was both enthralled with this woman and reluctant to spend any more time with her. In my younger years, I would have pursued her with wild abandon with disastrous results. At the end of the night, she said something that really touched me. She said she felt comfortable about sharing her story with me. She said I had a gentle and un-judging nature, She had assumed I was a counselor or therapist… a colleague of my mentor. She invited us to a “Burning Man” type of party for Saturday night, with a theme of “glitter and sparkles”.
Saturday morning found myself up early to hit a couple of second hand clothing thrift stores for some glittery clothing. I found a black sequined blouse that looked vaguely masculine, so I ripped the shoulder pads out, threw on some shiny black tights and some short black athletic shorts and I was set.
Went to lunch with my father, and showed him the new house. He really liked it.
The first party of the night was a 41st birthday party for a friend early Saturday evening. Another small business owner that I have gone out on a date with a few times. I’ve known her for about 3 years. I would like to spend more time with her, but she has put some clear boundaries between us for dating. She has made it clear we can be wonderful friends, but that is it. But I constantly seem to be getting mixed messages from her.
I left her birthday party and made my way across town to the “Burner” gathering. These are a fun and crazy bunch. Very artistic and colorful. Not really my scene, but fun every once in a while. Saw the beautiful train wreck woman that had invited us, and once again, she thanked me for being open to her story and reiterated that she thought I would be a great counselor or “Life Coach”.
Sunday morning found me with a hangover, but I still got myself up to sweat it out at Ecstatic Dance. The theme for the dance was “Happy” and it was a very happy dance right up until the end. As a tribute, they played Etta James’ At Last. This song was played at our wedding (along with millions of others weddings) and I immediately left the dance floor with tears streaming down my face. I gave myself a few moments, wiped my eyes, and slowly walked back into the room and closed my eyes and gently moved back and forth to the song. The darkness moving through me. Quickly dissipating.
And then the Superbowl party! The birthday girl from the previous night was there. We are very touchy feely. She will initiate contact with a hand on my back, of a pull of my hand in hers. Quite conflicting information for me. After the game ends, and after she had a few Adult Beverages, she exclaims to me in front of a few close friends of ours, that “everyone thinks we should be together” and that she should be “open to a relationship with me”.
I was a bit taken aback with this publicly made statement, and we casually made our way to a more private area to talk. We didn’t resolve much, but we did agree to get together again (without Adult Beverages).
Am I keeping myself this busy so I don’t have time to think about moving into the new house? Probably.
Oh, the Places You'll Go at Burning Man!