Monday, February 6, 2012

Oh, the Places You'll Go in Life!

I have a reluctance to move any items into the new house. What is my hesitation?

The new path. The shift. The physical act of moving further away from my wife’s death. Acknowledging I have a new life. The unrealistic but very real guilt I feel at having this new life. How dare I enjoy this life. How dare I actually admit I feel like I am a better person since she died. All foolishness, I know.

Before my wife died, we talked about her expectations for my life after she was gone. She wants me to remarry. I have permission to be happy. I just need to accept it.


It was a weekend full of parties. Literally.

On Friday I had dinner with my mentor and with a beautiful and amazing woman who was also a complete train wreck. A very successful business owner that divulged a large amount of very horrific personal information. The three of us had a great dinner, and I was both enthralled with this woman and reluctant to spend any more time with her. In my younger years, I would have pursued her with wild abandon with disastrous results. At the end of the night, she said something that really touched me.  She said she felt comfortable about sharing her story with me. She said I had a gentle and un-judging nature, She had assumed I was a counselor or therapist… a colleague of my mentor. She invited us to a “Burning Man” type of party for Saturday night, with a theme of “glitter and sparkles”.

Saturday morning found myself up early to hit a couple of second hand clothing thrift stores for some glittery clothing. I found a black sequined blouse that looked vaguely masculine, so I ripped the shoulder pads out, threw on some shiny black tights and some short black athletic shorts and I was set.
Went to lunch with my father, and showed him the new house. He really liked it.

The first party of the night was a 41st birthday party for a friend early Saturday evening. Another small business owner that I have gone out on a date with a few times. I’ve known her for about 3 years. I would like to spend more time with her, but she has put some clear boundaries between us for dating. She has made it clear we can be wonderful friends, but that is it. But I constantly seem to be getting mixed messages from her.

I left her birthday party and made my way across town to the “Burner” gathering. These are a fun and crazy bunch. Very artistic and colorful. Not really my scene, but fun every once in a while. Saw the beautiful train wreck woman that had invited us, and once again, she thanked me for being open to her story and reiterated that she thought I would be a great counselor or “Life Coach”.


Sunday morning found me with a hangover, but I still got myself up to sweat it out at Ecstatic Dance. The theme for the dance was “Happy” and it was a very happy dance right up until the end. As a tribute, they played Etta James’ At Last.  This song was played at our wedding (along with millions of others weddings) and I immediately left the dance floor with tears streaming down my face.  I gave myself a few moments, wiped my eyes, and slowly walked back into the room and closed my eyes and gently moved back and forth to the song. The darkness moving through me. Quickly dissipating.

And then the Superbowl party!  The birthday girl from the previous night was there. We are very touchy feely. She will initiate contact with a hand on my back, of a pull of my hand in hers. Quite conflicting information for me. After the game ends, and after she had a few Adult Beverages, she exclaims to me in front of a few close friends of ours, that “everyone thinks we should be together” and that she should be “open to a relationship with me”. 

I was a bit taken aback with this publicly made statement, and we casually made our way to a more private area to talk. We didn’t resolve much, but we did agree to get together again (without Adult Beverages).


Am I keeping myself this busy so I don’t have time to think about moving into the new house? Probably.

Oh, the Places You'll Go at Burning Man!


  1. This really touched me. I can only imagine your loss. I have certainly had losses but the death of someone I loved with my every cell is not one of them.

    Your reluctance to 'move on' is understandable but the longer you put it off … the longer that particular sadness will linger. Don't think … just do. Then when it's all over … you can go back to thinking.

    And since I'm quite free with unsolicited advice … ;)

    Start with just the kitchen stuff. Stock the fridge and have a meal. Then put your toiletries and such in your bath…. it will all start to come together.

    Your beautiful train wreck certainly needs someone to understand her but at this time in your life … it's not what YOU need. No ladies with baggage, please. You've got enough of your own to tote.

    The other lady … the mixed signals … is really interesting. You must be quite the catch, Wander, and her sending mixed signals is her way of testing the water...

    Ahhhh the dating game…. just go with your heart but with caution. You can get in the darndest relationships when going through loss.

    Makes me really curious if you've been intimate with anyone since your wife. That's going to be something…

    I'm following you with great anticipation along with --- well? your situation brings that old song … Hello Young Lovers…. oh, sigh…

    The lyrics from the original King and I are beautiful… sung by Deborah Kerr

    Of course there are many more recordings of this song but the first part is left out...

    When I think of Tom.
    I think of a night,
    When the earth smelled of summer
    And the sky was streaked with white,
    The soft mist of England
    Was sleeping on a hill.

    I remember this,
    And I always will...
    There are new lovers now
    On the same silent hill,
    Looking on the same blue sea.
    And I know Tom and I are a part of them all --
    And they're all a part of Tom and me.

    1. I took the plunge and moved a couple of pictures and a chair over to the new house. It felt great :)

      And what a beautiful song. I had to look up the remaining lyrics.

      The beautiful train wreck is an incredible person for someone, just not me. And you are right... with my own baggage in tow, a future partner should only have a full-sized carry-on, not an over-limit extra handling fee.

    2. oh, and unsolicited advice is always welcome, and always contemplated

  2. I have to agree with the train wreck. Though I don't know you at all, the thing that attracts me the most to your writing is what comes across as a very gentle and non judgmental nature, along with a lot of common sense. That said, use your common sense and stay far, far away from the Super Bowl party lady. She is creeping me out with the mixed signals. She just wants you to want her. You might be better off with the beautiful train wreck. At least she just lays it all it there. Hw do you like that for unsolicited advice from a stranger? - T.

  3. Yes, the public statement from Super Bowl Lady creeped me out as well, it might be in my best interest to keep an arm's length distance with both of them.

    And I will say it again, the unsolicited advice is very welcome :)