Dinner with the organizer of the young widows and widowers dinner group went better than expected. We talked a lot about how very different we are now, since our partners died. Almost unrecognizable in the difference. Validation with each other that our lives are indeed moving forward. Guilt and awe, realizing our spouses would be shocked at how much we have changed. And also that horrifying realization that we would be hard pressed to fit back into that life. It's a difficult thing to admit that life is good. Life is happy.
There is still that dark hole deep in my soul, but the screaming mournfulness has subsided into gentle sadness of beautiful memories.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + +
Half of the siding has been torn off the house, and there is some good looking wood underneath. The insulation that was blown in has turned out not to be the expanding foam, but rather loose-fill fiber. No surprises yet, and everything so far is very smooth.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + +
Ecstatic Dance was again a beautiful thing last night. I found myself open to people and afterwards I stuck around to socialize a bit. There was even an offer to get some food, and I joined them. The interesting part is during the meal, I reverted back to my very quiet and reserved self. I didn't speak much, but listened intently. I was the newcomer in the midst of a group of old friends, so I don't think my quietness was noticed much.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + +
I had a massage tonight, and my massage therapist vocalized about how much weight I've lost. I hadn't really noticed it myself, but after I got off the table, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my unclothed body. My stomach is noticeably smaller, and the double chin action is not quite so pronounced!
This dancing activity is paying off!
Congrats on the progress with your house, your life, your grief. You sound good. I know that must feel good. Screaming mournfulness. My husband and I went to South Africa in 2004. One night we were walking around our camp, looking at the amazing stars when we heard in the distance a great roar from a lion. It was so loud and so strong that is actually reverberated in both our chest's. It was an incredible experience. I have often thought that the mourning I have done for my brother could come out of me like that lions great roar. All the anger, disbelief, inexplicable sadness, could just come up in one great roar. I totally get screaming mournfulness. And it is so good to get passes all that. -T.
ReplyDeleteUgh. Auto spell check kills me. Changing tenses. Sorry. T.
ReplyDelete