Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Little by Little, the Lightness Becomes Truth

I went broke last night buying appliances for the house. Ended up with 6 major appliances, including a new gas stove that I hadn’t planned on buying so soon. There was a rebate thing directly from the manufacturer (Maytag) that made it worthwhile to buy it all together. I had to put the whole thing on a credit card…but on the bright side, it’s zero interest for 12 months.

The place is looking great though, and I am very happy with it.

I should be ok on finances once I get some roommates in the house.
WWW and I seem to have hit a stride of compatibility lately. We are really enjoying each other’s company and the difficulties in communication seem to have minimized. Either we are both choosing to not fully disclose thoughts, or we truly are communicating well.

This upcoming 3-day Memorial Day weekend will be a great test. We are heading out in my Mini-Van for some boondock camping out on BLM land in the middle of a forest….with her dog. She has a little 10 pound pooper that is cute as all heck. It will be a bit cramped sleeping in the back with a dog, so this weekend will be a great test of our communication.
I spent last weekend with my wife’s sister. My Sister-in-Law was in town for the weekend. I haven’t seen her since my wife’s memorial service almost 4 years ago. It was a very emotional yet wonderful visit. We met at a local micro-brew pub and shared a beer for about a 4 hour lunch. I told her about her sister’s grave marker that we had made, and the next day she visited it by herself.

It was another wonderful small closure for me. I feel lighter, and a bit more free. I am beginning to believe that it is ok to move forward and move on. Not to forget, but to begin living life to the fullest again.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Deeper and Deeper

Amazing how WWW and I can open up lines of communication and suddenly we start to understand and connect on a deeper level.

We had a talk about her “friend” and her earlier statements of desire for him. She says that is no longer the desire since our relationship has continued to get deeper.  She still hangs out with him at least twice a week, and I still have some trust issues with it…. And I just assume she is choosing to just not disclose information to me anymore.

A few weeks ago we were talking about how I conduct myself when I am away from my partner in public. I try to conduct myself in a way that my partner would always be comfortable and respected like they were actually in the room. I don’t treat it as an invisible prison guard watching my every move, but rather a respect in the community towards my partner. WWW gave me the impression that she usually follows the “out of sight, out of mind” mentality when in public without her partner. More trust issues for me to explore, I suppose….although I think WWW has given that some serious contemplation as well.

With all of this give and take, I wonder how much we are molding each other… quietly trying to shape the other into our ideal partner. I feel she is definitely continuing to explore my boundaries, just much quieter and subtler now. I am doing the same thing with her though, right?  Maybe it’s actually a healthy way of being honest with ourselves and slowing trying to show each other the real person?

I need to ease up on wanting and expecting deep connection and ease of honest communication with WWW.  My wife and I had 10 years to explore ourselves, with the urgency of her genetic disease moving things deeper on a much faster track than normal. It is completely unfair of me to expect WWW to compete with that.
I’m also still struggling with emotions of moving forward with life after the death of my wife. Survivors Guilt I suppose….. How can I live a good life now? Admitting that I am a better person now?

Dave Gahan from Depeche Mode- Deeper and Deeper

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Torn Asunder with the Runaround in my Mind

I’m frustrated and torn asunder from my feelings towards WWW.

I have a trust issue I need to work out within myself…or is it a possession issue? 

I went out to karaoke with some friends last night, and WWW was invited, and she asked if she could bring her “friend” along. It’s this supposedly plutonic friendship she has that she admittedly wants more from. When we first started dating, she flat out told me she wants a physical relationship with this guy, but he doesn’t want one with her. It’s exactly that type of conversation that makes me distant from her. She seems to relish joy in blunt shock value words. The funny part? My friends that we met for karaoke do not know about WWW and I dating…. My friend said “it was nice to meet WWW and her boyfriend” HA!
I keep thinking WWW will tire of me soon and move on. If I had to guess, most of her physical relationships only last 2-6 months, with a couple of long-term 1-2 years stints thrown in. By the way she talks, that seems to be her standard routine with guys. I wonder though…. If I will be the first to bail on this ‘relationship’.  I mean… come on, I said NO to this thing every week for the first 4 weeks or so…..

The roommate situation is working out well. Mellow guy who isn’t home much, and when he is, he plays some sweet music on his multitude of instruments.
The house is still slow. I don’t think I will be in by the end of the month.
Dion and the Belmonts- Runaround Sue

Monday, May 7, 2012

Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll for the Middle-Aged Set.

So it seems that WWW is constantly rebelling against the “Girl Next Door” image that people see in her. I, on the other hand, seem to want to embrace the “Boy Next Door” image that I want to see in myself.

Reality hits us in the middle and my subdued and understated outlook smacks against her fondness for trying to induce shock value. And then we are usually pretty close on the reality of the attitudes anyway.

This weekend was a great example.

We went to a Beltane party with her mischievous crowd, and WWW played it up like it was going to be some drunk and naked free-for-all. The reality was more frat-house than Bacchus. Sure there were some scanty see-through outfits… and people were wandering into some of the bedrooms and doors were being closed… but nothing too crazy.  The party was a bunch of middle-aged people acting like a bunch of horny 20somethings.  No big deal, really.  Although I was rather shocked at the amount of alcohol was consumed and the subtle undertone of drugs being used.

I tried to keep some distance between WWW and myself throughout the night. I didn’t want to be seen joined at the hip with her. I talked to a few people, but mostly the conversations were drunken nothings. I did sense a lot of neediness and low self-esteem though. It was rather strange, especially since I battle with my own issues on those matters.

Perhaps some of these folks are using shock-value sexuality to gain acceptance from others? I don’t know, but the whole event seemed like something I’ve already experienced 20 years ago. Not my cup of tea, but nothing I was uncomfortable with. I just keep my alcohol intake to a few glasses of wine, politely decline the drug offers, keep my clothes on and don’t go behind the green door and I’m ok.

Beyond the crazy party though, WWW and I seem to have hit a stride of good communication and recognizing boundaries. It turned out to be a beautiful and tender weekend. We spent over 50 hours straight together, as she even stayed over Sunday night.

I am enjoying her company. The more we share, more of the “Girl Next Door” comes out in her, and perhaps a bit of my shock-value side comes out as well.  Her softer side is very desirable. I fear I am rather smitten with her.

On the house front, I am so broke and dirt poor, that I have rented out the front room of my apartment to the guy that is going to take over the whole place once I move into the house. This guy has just moved into town, and is friends with the landlord. Easy going fellow, I took a liking to him instantly.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

It's a Thing

Not much time to write lately.

The house is still plodding along, and it is still draining my resources.  A friend is already lined up to rent my apartment when I finally move into the house. This friend just asked if he could stay in the front room and pay rent until I move out. YES!

So now I have a roommate for the next month, in a tiny one bedroom apartment. I barely used the front room anyway. Luckily he has been travelling and doesn’t have any large furniture, so I can keep my stuff in the room.

Quite the change in living situation, and it will be good practice for the house.


Had some acupuncture yesterday. I try to get two sessions in a month. I had asked to be poked for some normal physical ills…. mouse wrist, sinus clearing, stiff neck, etc…. and then I asked for some non-physical stuff to be poked at… like acceptance of other people.

As I laid there with needles poking at me all over, I was overcome with the difficulty I have in accepting myself. Accepting self-worth. Accepting friendship. Accepting a New Life.  Being able to Receive joy and pleasure without guilt.


I big step today with WWW.  A few weeks ago I asked her if she would be willing to take a full STD test. She said yes. Today we both go to Planned Parenthood and get the full meal deal.

Our relationship has turned into a “Thing” although we both are not quite sure what that thing is.  We seem to be able to spend quite a bit of time together, and really enjoy it. We have scheduled many events with our respective crowds, and it seems to be an easy flow.

Sonny & Cher variety show clip- Isley Brothers- it's your thing do what you want to do