Wednesday, November 23, 2011

You Dropped the Bomb On Me

I feel like the biggest Beavis and Butthead in the world today. 

Last Saturday night I went to a dinner party hosted by a close friend and I crossed a line. Long story short, I hurt her feelings and she sent me a scathing email yesterday lambasting me. What had started out as good-natured ribbing turned ugly at the end of the night. This is from a woman who admits she loves to repeatedly poke at people to try and push buttons. And then poke again. The story is a bit deeper, as we actually dated for a few years back in the 90’s and we had a volatile history.

This was the same dinner party that H.S. attended and we had such a good time at. I had invited her to the huge Thanksgiving weekend party and she seemed eager to go. Yesterday brought an email politely declining the invite.

And then I had dinner last night with the woman I dated for 6 months about 2 years after my wife died. We are trying to be friends, as we still really like each other. And admittedly, the reason we are not together is my doing. She is just too familiar to me. She resembles my late wife in too many ways and that creeps my brain out. So as we were both acknowledging the difficulty of trying to maintain a friendship, we part ways at the end of the night with her literally telling me to “Pull my head out of my ass” as to whether we should either be in a relationship or completely fall out of each other’s lives and let the friendship go.


So what does all this mean? I know I have been struggling with who to keep in my life lately. Some friends that I hang out with are friends just because of time and history, not out of actual emotional connections. Or at least I tell myself that. Since my wife died, I don’t seem to know how to connect emotionally to anyone anymore.  And if people start to get too close, I push away. Maybe I’m still not ready to enter real life.

My brain is acting like a junior high school spazmatic.


This is the last post for a while. I will be out of town for the thanksgiving holiday. 
Hank Snow - Let me go Lover
You Dropped the Bomb On Me- The Gap Band

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